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Problem inlaws

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This topic contains 24 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Fyodor 2 months ago.

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  • #802126 Reply
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    ESB

    Hi everyone,
    So my husband and I have been together for 4 and a half years but married for 7 months. I have never felt a close relationship with my in-laws but have tried really hard because of my husband who is very close with his family. They have always made me feel like I am not good enough and I have never felt like they like me. My mother in law always makes me feel inadequate to her daughter. They do a lot with them and see them most weekends for lunches and dinners which my husband and I are not invited to. They see each other most weekends and we maybe see them once every few months when we live roughly the same distance away. A couple of weeks ago my husband told me that his mum and dad wanted to take us to the theatre for a Christmas treat and we were really happy because it’s unusual that they invite us to do something that doesn’t involve his sister (when they do things together all the time) but tonight his mum revealed that his sister was coming too because she “couldn’t invite us and not her”. This made me really upset because we are always left out of things!!! Not only that but for my husband’s birthday they gave him a mug with photos of my husband and her children but didn’t include me on it. Am I justified in being upset or am I just being dramatic?

    Please help. These are just a couple of things that have upset me out of a long list and I feel like I’m going out of my mind. They may seem little things but when all added together they’re not.

    E

    #802128 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    LW, your going to have to be more specific then this. She spends more time with her daughter because THATS HER DAUGHTER. She has a bonded relationship with her. Clearly it is not a thing between her son to go out shopping,do dinners,and lunches etc or you guys would be included. Parents have different ways of showing affection to their children. If your husband is upset over this then he needs to be the one to say “Hey Mom, we would love to go out with you more often” or “Hey Mom, can we do lunch sometime, maybe on X day?”. If she gives him excuses then let him call her out on the unfair treatment towards you guys.If you want to go have lunch with her then you need to reach out to her. She may assume you guys dont want to do things like that. In regards to the Christmas show, you sound jealous. So what if she also invites her other child out. It’s a gift she’s giving and instead of being grateful that she has invited you out you become upset because SIL is coming. If,you do not have a good relationship with you MIL (which I do get) then be happy she doesnt bother you. Honestly, you sound jealous. If she was treating her other DIL differently then you I probably could understand the jealous a bit better but its HER DAUGHTER.

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by avatar Poppy.
    #802132 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    I think you are being dramatic and you are probably really sensitive to feeling “less than.” Why are you taking this all personally? Instead of being happy to have an invitation, you’re jealous that your SIL is coming.

    How do they make you feel inadequate? You compared your relationship with them to their relationship with their own daughter. Those two things aren’t really comparable. Does your husband feel inadequate or left out or less than? If he does, he should take it up with them. If you feel so inadequate, have you talked about it with your husband?

    Do you invite them to events weekly? If you really think about it, would you even want to spend time with them every weekend? It sounds like you don’t like them that much.

    I would suggest trying to focus on people you care about in a positive way.

    If you want to see your in laws more often, take the initiative and invite them over or out. If you want a better relationship, start building it instead of looking for things to be upset by.

    #802133 Reply
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    JD

    Your upset your mother in law spends time with her daughter and gave your husband a mug with pics of him and his kids on it? If I understood the mug thing. I wasn’t really sure who “she” was referring to. Yanking dramatic.

    #802134 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Yes. This seems over dramatic. You are NEW to the family. Their daughter has been their daughter forever. The theatre ticket thing is especially off to me. Why do you NOT want the sister invited? Just seems petty to me.

    #802167 Reply
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    JD

    Also like said above, mothers and daughter often have different relationships. Shopping, nails, constant phone calls. Just different sometimes than with sons. Also, you better believe i spent time alone with my mom, without my husband. He doesn’t want to go to everything and I want time with just her. We are very close and at this age she is my friend as well as my mother. I want to be able to gossip with her and be girly, without my husband. It’s pretty normal.

    #802169 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    So the mug thing- it seems it was a mug with photos of your husband and his nieces/ nephews correct? If his sister gave it to him then I really don’t see anything to be upset about. It was her family’s gift to their uncle/brother. If his mom gave it to him that is more unusual, but I still don’t think I’d focus on that. When you say your mom in law makes you look bad what do you mean? Does she say hurtful or insulting things to or about you? Comment negatively about you or her son? Say things about your marriage? Or is it just that you feel like you play second fiddle to your husband’s sister (And her husband and kids it sounds like?)? What does your husband say when you talk to him about this-does he agree with you that there’s a problem? There could be a few things going on: for one, as others have said, she is their daughter. Some mothers and daughters are just very, very close. Also you sis in law has kids. Do you and your husband have kids? If not, this may also help explain why your mom in law sees that side of the family so much. She is a grandma who wants to see her grandkids. Or it could be that your sis in law’s life circumstances are different and she needs more support. Whatever the case may be, getting upset because your mom in law invited both her kids and their spouses to an outing is not going to solve the issue. You need to ask yourself what you want out of this situation, which is hard to know when we don’t know what your in laws are saying or doing to make you feel disliked beyond seeing their daughter and grandkids more often than they see you. If they are saying negative things about you, then your husband needs to step up and tell them to cut the shit or he’s going to be seeing less of them. If it’s just that you feel your sis in law is favored, well, there’s less you can do about that. Parents are allowed to want to see their grandchildren (and subsequently their kids with children) more often. They’re allowed to be closer with their own daughter than their son’s wife. If you receive fewer invitations from your in laws, why not invite them to do things? Book a spa day for you and your mom in law, or take her to lunch. Talk to her about this, but frame it positively, emphasizing that you like her and would like to see more of her and get closer. Or, don’t. But if you aren’t willing to do anything to make a change then you at least need to adjust your attitude and expectations. Maybe a few sessions with a counselor could help you sort this out. And, if nothing else, be very, very grateful your in laws don’t butt into your life. So many people would be thrilled to only have to interact with their in laws a few times a year.

    #802402 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    Yes. Dramatic. Also? Shortsighted. You don’t really get along with these people and you are upset you don’t see them more? Do you want to rethink that a little? This is called ‘a blessing in disguise’. Run with it. Because if you get your crazy pants way, prepare your skin for a lifetime of ‘be careful what you wish for’.
    P.s. the mother is going to love her daughter more than you. Always. Till the end of time. Zero competition. As it should be. You need a hobby.

    #802592 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    I’ve got a slightly different perspective as this sounds like someone I know and where she was in her inlaw relationship about 10 years ago. Her inlaws would always say everything had to be equal – that whatever their son had, their daughter had to also. But the reality was, they treated the their daughter much better.

    So, if you want your MIL to treat you equal to her daughter -not going to happen. If you want your PIL to leave their daughter out of happy times -not going to happen. If you want them to treat your husband differently – that’s on him to discuss with them. But you can’t ever tell them to treat their daughter differently than they do now. You can only ask them to treat you differently -and to be honest, it doesn’t sound like they’re treating you poorly, just not what you want.

    You have to be realistic.

    Not all is lost though, many years later sister has made many bad choices and it has given her brother and his wife justifiable reasons to reduce contact that the parents have to support although they hate it.

    #802660 Reply
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    brise

    I can understand your point, they don’t seem great. They should offer equal invitations to both their children, and your husband doesn’t sound so close to them. Like Fyodor, I think you can see the positive in it. You don’t want to have lunches or dinners with your in-laws every week-end. Really not, believe me. Rejoice in your freedom. The less you see them, the better. They seem to trigger some insecurities in you, so avoid them, be polite, but don’t synchronise with their nonsenses. If they are gaga with the sister-in-law, let it be. Skip the conversation to an other subject when you get bored. Just think that they are old and have their manias, which will become worse the more they age.
    It doesn’t matter what they think of you. Now, as you are newly married, you react strongly to it, but I assure you that in a couple of years, you won’t mind anymore, you won’t give a dam. On the contrary, they might tell you: we would like to see you more, and so on.
    The mug: I would just throw it away. It is bad taste of them not to include you in the pictures.
    For the Christmas theater invitation: take it and say thank you.
    The daughter: to be so close with her parents is not such a great gift. This is a dependance and it will become pretty heavy for her the more the in-laws advance in age. It is better to remain independent, really.
    When you will have children, your MIL might give you a help with baby-sitting, she might take your kids for a week-end or so.
    The best for you is to keep a polite, decent relationship with them. Reduce your expectations close to zero regarding their “love”, and reduce the interactions with them: let your husband go see them, you don’t need to go if they disturb you. Don’t show any interest in the sister-in-law, don’t compete, and just go on with your life, your interests, what makes your life happy and constructive. Stop worrying about them, they are not interesting and you can’t help with all this. These thoughts about them are a waste of energy and time.
    You might want to wonder why it triggers the frustrated little girl in yourself.

    #802669 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    @brise the mug was a gift to her husband not her. Regardless of how someone feels about a gift to someone else it is not their place to dispose of it. Thats silly and immature. Maybe the husband likes his mug.

    #802692 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I’m confused. They are not excluding you individually, right? It’s you and your husband? So, what does he think? Has he made an effort to spend more time with them? Does he even want to? It’s a little odd to me that you’re making this about their opinions about you when it also involves your husband. Maybe his sister seems more interested in hanging out with them. If your husband rarely spends time with this family and hasn’t expressed to have an issue with it, then it would make sense that they’d assume he’s fine with it.

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