Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › “Problem with Boyfriend Being Friends with His Exes”
- This topic has 12 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks, 4 days ago by Daisy.
From a LW:
“I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and two months.
I have a problem with him having ex’s or people he had a crush on or people he had sex with in the past still in his life.
1. The first time I ever went to his home. A neighbor said hello to him and he talked to her. He had a major crush in her but she didn’t like him and they remained friends. I asked him to cut off the friendship because he had feelings for her in the past. He didn’t end the friendship until she finally ended the friendship.
2. My birthday I noticed his ex girlfriend called him. He didn’t answer but he told me she wanted to borrow money. He said he’ll block her on his cell phone plus delete her phone number.
She contacted him again for Thanksgiving, Christmas and new years day.
I later found out he saved her phone number under a guys name and he never blocked her.
I had to tell her i’m his girlfriend and i blocked her phone number. He called her in front of me to tell her I’m his fiance.
I thought we got her out of the way.
Except on his birthday we were with his family. Everyone was talking about cars. He mentioned his ex’s name and the kind of car she has.
3. He had a long distance relationship before be and he was still texting her and she was sending him photos.
He eventually told her about me being his girlfriend and never to contact him again.
4. He took me into a store where the cashier was a girl he had sex with once in the past.
She also texted him a few times I’ve been with him. I finally got him to text her back saying he has a girlfriend.
A long time ago before all these things happened he had given me the password to his phone. So I’m allowed to view all these things.
He didn’t have anyone’s phone numbers saved. So it looks like random texts. He never responded to anyone because I see his phone bills. They reach out to him but he doesn’t respond. But he doesn’t tell these women that he has a girlfriend now and tell them to stop contacting him. Or he could even block them without telling them anything. But he doesn’t want to tell them about me or block them. He just wants to ignore them. The one ex he kept her phone number under a guys name.
He gets mad at me and says all of this us my fault. He makes me seem like I’m crazy.
I know this is all just random stories.
Am I wrong? Am I jealous? Am I insecure? Is this my fault? Am I over reacting?
I explain to him how I feel but he tells me to ‘drop it,’ ‘it’s no big deal.'”KateGuest
There’s a lot going on here. Yes, you’re being unreasonable (and wrong, and overreacting, and controlling) to expect him to tell every woman who contacts him that he has a girlfriend and to stop contacting him. Or to expect him to never have any contact with exes. He’s actually doing the right thing by just ignoring random texts.
But the other issue is that he’s hiding stuff from you. He’s responding to your unreasonable requests by just hiding his communications with exes. Meanwhile I think he’s stoking your jealousy by telling you things you don’t need to know, like he had sex with the store cashier or had a massive crush on his neighbor. This dynamic is perpetuating a cycle of mistrust that you’re trying to address by letting everyone know he has a girlfriend, and by looking at his phone. But deep down you DON’T trust him, and that’s a really weak foundation for your relationship.
I think this relationship is going to fall apart because the trust just isn’t there. Have you had trust issues in other relationships? What led you to need to look at his phone early on? Did he do something truly inappropriate that started all this?peggyGuest
Yes,based on what you have written ( and no”proof” presented that he has done anything wrong with these women or has a history of cheating in his relationships, you are very wrong. You sound controlling and unreasonable.
You appear to desire he not even say hello or be casually friendly to people he has known/knows. It is simply not realistic or practical to cut every old contact out of our lives. Have you done so yourself? I bet not.
You looking at his phone and your accusing ways,is bound to make him act secretive even about innocent or normal interactions.
I suggest you see a therapist to discover why you are so unreasonable and insecure. This behavior of yours will drive your boyfriend or other prospective partners away. I think you are creating your own misery.
“He mentioned the kind of car his ex drove,when we were talking about cars with his family” That alone makes you sound irrational and unbalanced. Get some help.peggyGuest
I agree with Kate he is “giving you too much info about people,maybe to bait you. Or maybe he thinks if he explains,you will see there is nothing going on.CopaParticipant
Yes, you sound jealous and insecure and asking him to cut ties with anyone he’s ever had a relationship with or even had a crush on is wrong. Just about everyone has a past — I’m sure you do, too!
“A long time ago before all these things happened he had given me the password to his phone. So I’m allowed to view all these things.”
I am curious if there is more context to this. Why did he give you his password? I know my boyfriend’s phone password. I have never taken that as an invitation to go through his phone (nor have I ever felt compelled to read his texts or whatever).ktfranParticipant
Wow. Agree with others in that you’re being completely unreasonable. He said hello to a neighbor he once had a crush on and now he’s never allowed to speak to her again?
There’s not enough information to know whether you have reason to be concerned or if you’re really that insecure. Like, are you asking an about each woman and his past relationship and he’s being honest? Or does he bring this stuff up out of the blue to cause you worry?
Regardless, I think you should break up. This is a toxic relationship no matter how you look at it. Before you get into another relationship you need to do some work on yourself.LisforLeslieGuest
Here’s the thing: If someone wants to cheat – they’ll find a way. A friend or ex reaching out 3-4 times a year should not be a threat to a healthy relationship.AnonymousseGuest
Leslie is right. If you don’t trust someone, you’ll always wonder.
Why don’t you trust him?
Why do you stay?
Stop snooping and staying in relationships that don’t make you feel happy or secure with yourself.HazelParticipant
Half of the people he shares his past with will be female.He will have had relationships with some of them. He does not have to renounce all contact with people from his past because they are female and you are insecure. If you take a rational attitude and he still hides things, that’s when to worry. You need to do a lot of talking and work out where you are with this but it is entirely unreasonable to expect him to cut off all contact with any woman he may have known, or had relations with, prior to you.But if he is being shady and using these messages as a way to keep you insecure and therefore easily manipulated, then that’s a problem for sure.AnonymousseGuest
Like, I understand not trusting someone and I understand that maybe there is more to this story. He has exs as a man’s name? in his phone, but you also snoop way too much. If you don’t trust any man, you need a therapist. If it’s this guy because of something, go.
Life’s too short.JinniBParticipant
LW, please don’t fall for this manipulation. I think he’s telling you ALL this unnecessary information to keep you on edge, unsettled, jealous, etc. AND IT’S WORKING.
I dated a guy like this, he gave me graphic details of everyone he’d had sex with. Talked with them all on the phone because they needed his ‘guidance.’ Introduced me to a neighbor, then laughed because, HE SAID, the neighbor didn’t know which woman I was in his life.
This was all his insecurity and it was exhausting, not sexy, and ultimately a deal breaker.Dear WendyKeymaster
I think you’re being jealous and insecure, but I also think your boyfriend is giving reason to be that way. Were you jealous and insecure before he gave you reason? Regardless, this is a super unhealthy dynamic in a relationship and I don’t see a way to get past it. You need to be on your own for a bit and explore where this jealousy and insecurity and need to control comes from and work on getting past it because no healthy relationship can be built on a foundation like this.