problems with family member

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  • This topic has 3 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 1 week, 2 days ago by LisforLeslie.
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  • Clare
    April 4, 2024 at 8:50 am #1128688

    Hi, I wanted to see if other people experience this,
    My cousin moved home from abroad and had a baby through artificial insemination, I told her she was amazing for doing it and offered her help whenever she needed it. When she gave birth, I would text her to say, I could drop some treats in for her, etc, and to let me know if she needed anything, anytime. I gave the baby a generous present, was all compliments and positivity to my cousin but that was a year and a half ago.
    I told her, I’d leave it up to her to text me if she ever wanted to go for coffee/walk or needed help with the baby. My cousin is caring for her mom who has cancer so I know things can be tough.
    However, the few times I bumped into her on the street, she barely looked at me, was very distant and cold.
    She has kept regular contact with mutual friends so I’m hurt that she makes no effort towards me.
    Prior to this, i always texted her to meet up but she never would so after a few months I gave up trying.

    Whenever I have bumped into her on my own, she has had a few digs at me,
    the last day, she saw me and actually ran over to me and told me she had an announcement to make, she was pregnant again, I gave her a huge congratulations but then she started again with the put-downs,
    saying she wanted to get pregnant before it was too late (she’s two years younger than me, I would love to have a child but unfortunately, I haven’t met anyone, she knows that I would love to have a family and I find her really insensitive with these comments)
    She then asked how my job was, (I’m a waitress and I hate my job-she knows this)
    I told her it was stressful, she then went on to say, ‘Aw, your job is your baby’.
    I couldn’t believe that comment.
    She then went on to say, ‘your dog is gone’
    my dog of 15 years got run over and I was devastated and still am.
    I never got a text from her when he died, which she knew about and I felt so let down that she couldn’t even ask me how I was after it.
    I felt it was really strange how she brought my dog up, no concern or empathy, just ‘your dog is gone, do you miss him’
    I told her, that yes, I missed him and found it very tough,
    she then goes on to cheerfully say, that it’s great, that I have space now to relax and be by myself.
    The whole thing was strange, I just congratulated her again about being pregnant and we parted ways.
    I’m really upset. I always looked at her as a close cousin but I see a completely different person since she moved home, she is a ray of sunshine to everyone else but when I’m alone with her she starts throwing digs at me, I won’t go back to previous smarmy comments as this post would be too long but I’ve decided to cut ties with her, no more support towards her. If I see her out, I’ll be nice, friendly and civil but that’s it, I’ll keep my distance.
    Has anyone else gone through this with a family member?

    April 4, 2024 at 2:40 pm #1128695

    Your cousin seems to have come down with a case of “being an asshole”. The reasons why might be unclear, but the response is the same: You don’t need their negativity in your life. Be polite but distant.

    Some people just become jerks once they become parents. Some people become jerks when other people become parents.

    Maybe when she’s not in the thick of young child be parenting she’ll become more tolerable, but that’s not something you need to try to navigate.

    April 5, 2024 at 4:46 am #1128699

    Thank you, unfortunately, even before she became a parent she was weird with me but only when we were alone, just a lot of smarmy comments towards me and she would be irritable-I guess she just doesn’t like me. It’s funny because she’s the sweetest person when there are other people around, everyone loves her.
    I will definitely be keeping my distance, just a bit tricky as she lives on the same street as me, just two houses down.

    April 5, 2024 at 6:48 am #1128703

    Seems like she was in a one sided competition – she was competing with you but you had no idea. So I say put her on an information diet, the next time you see her and she asks all of these questions make it more vague and more positive. Drive her bananas by not being unhappy. Play that “that’s nice” game: Every time she tries to one up you or showcase how “better” her life is, just say “oh, that’s nice for you” or “I can see that makes you very happy” – it’s a positive response but there’s just the slightest tone of condescension that will linger. When she gets all “But I’m better than you!” all you say is “I’m glad your happy.” and don’t compete and don’t complain.

    And in the meantime, if there are things you want to change – focus on that if you can.

    But yeah, she’s an asshole – but that’s her problem, not yours.

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