problems with family member

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  • March 31, 2023 at 5:16 am #1119431

    I have always had a strained relationship with my sister but we could go periods of being very friendly but then something would happen and we would stop talking.
    My mom finds her very difficult too and two of my aunts and other family members have commented that she can act like a brat and behave selfishly.
    I feel as though I have taken a lot of unfair treatment from her but I always try to start afresh with her and hope that she might have changed.
    This year, she did a few selfish things that I was very disappointed with but I knew it was useless confronting her as she never accepts responsibility.
    Very sadly, my dog of 13 years passed away, he was my best friend and I was devastated and clearly heartbroken at his burial whereas my sister seemed a little upset but mostly completely fine.
    My sister used to live with my dog (he lives with my parents but I see him almost every day and used to take him to the vet, groomer, walks, etc). He can’t live with me as I live in a block of flats and he prefers to have a garden.
    My sister used to live with him and was mad about him but then moved out and got her own dog and really dotes on her new dog, she’s obsessed with her own dog so I know she understands how much a dog can mean to you.
    My phone was broken for two weeks during this time but I could still be contacted on facebook messenger and email but she didn’t reach out to me.
    To be honest, I’m still really hurt that she didn’t contact me after the burial to ask how I was. I always reach out to her if something bad happens to her.
    She texted two weeks after to check if my phone was fixed and asked if I wanted to go for a walk but didn’t bring up my dog or ask how I was.
    I just expected to get a message from her especially when she saw how upset I was at the burial,
    it really feels like I want to loosen my ties with her, there are constant let downs, hurts, disappointments with her.
    Am I being unreasonable to be distancing myself from her?
    She’s pregnant now and I just can’t bring myself to be there for her, seeing as she’s never been there for me.

    March 31, 2023 at 6:38 am #1119433

    Did she know your phone was broken?

    March 31, 2023 at 8:44 am #1119436

    Hi, ya, she knew it was broken and there was a delay in getting a new one. It’s just that she switches over to messaging me on facebook/email a lot of the time when she gets tired of texting and she can type on her laptop on facebook messenger/email.
    I don’t believe that she forgot that she could contact me these ways, I think she just didn’t want to make an effort.

    April 1, 2023 at 10:03 am #1119451

    I think you need to really look at this relationship and stop being so black and white about it. She is not a bad person because she disappoints you and she’s a brat. That’s just who she is. Accept it, and instead of thinking, I’ll just cut her off now, maybe just care MUCH less about what she does. Sisters or relatives doesn’t always mean you’re going to be close or even like each other. That’s a huge fallacy of life. You don’t have to let her life make you feel so low.

    It really sounds from your other comments that you could do with focusing on yourself and building a community and network of friends that make you feel good.

    I’m sorry about your dog.

    April 1, 2023 at 10:04 am #1119452

    Everything she does, you look for the worst reason she did it. She couldn’t bother messaging you. You’re not looking at her very empathetically, so why would she do that for you?

    April 1, 2023 at 2:44 pm #1119454

    She did reach out, two weeks after the dog burial she went to- which she disappointed you because she didn’t behave sad enough for you. She went for a walk with you. If you have feelings or things you want to say, you have to say them. Some people don’t want to bring up the Sad Thing because they don’t know how to handle it. To me, it does seem like she has been trying, but you are never satisfied with her efforts. It makes me wonder how much fun you are to be with if everything she does for you is never good enough. Probably not much fun is my guess.

    She’s your sister. Stop viewing her as a monster and accept that she is less emotionally in touch than you are.

    She’s pregnant and NOW is when you’ve decided you’ll not be there for her? You don’t sound great here, if you catch my drift. That’s a low blow and really cruel. That’ll end your relationship. And I doubt your mom and aunts will be so supportive of how bratty she can be if you cut her off because of your dog because she’s pregnant.

    (I have never been to a dog funeral, that seems like she was trying to support you, as was the walk…) what do you want from her? Tell her. Or write a letter and burn it to get it out of your system and accept she is who she is and is not a carbon copy of you.

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    April 1, 2023 at 6:39 pm #1119455

    Hi, LW! I’m sorry about the loss of your dog. Pets are family, so I’m sure it was devastating. This is advice coming from someone who recently blocked her sister on her phone, so I’m not sure I’m qualified to be giving advice on this kind of stuff, but:

    If you’re hurt your sister didn’t reach out to you, you can say so directly. It sounds like she has a lot going on right now — she’s pregnant! — and maybe didn’t realize just how much you are struggling. Have you ever tried to have a calm conversation with her about the “constant let downs”? If not, I say try to hear her out first!

    That said, maybe you have tried, but didn’t mention it in your letter, and you’re not sisters who are going to be close. It’s okay to have boundaries and you get to choose what those look like. You may want to consider your new niece or nephew when deciding what those boundaries look like, IMO, but I don’t think you’re inherently unreasonable if you and your sister aren’t or cannot be close.

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