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“Problems with His Daughters and His Ex-Wife’s Family”

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  • #857487 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    “I have been with this guy for almost 3 years. This year has been very off and on and most of it are causes of his wife’s family.

    Just to give you a short history, her family doesn’t talk to her because they dislike the man she is with, especially because he is the reason of the divorce. Because of this, the only way my boyfriends daughters get to spend time with their cousins is through him, and I totally respect that. However, it is starting to cause a lot of friction in our relationship. When I met the family, I really enjoyed spending time with them and they even liked me very much. Until false accusations started where they accused me of talking to his ex wife and having bashing sessions about him. First of all, that is not the truth at all…..I even explained “why would I be wasting my time with him if I felt that way about him?” Since their feelings about me became tarnished and bitter, anything that is planned now won’t include me.

    This in turn, was vacation time he took the girls and spent a week down the shore with them this summer and I even missed out on girls birthdays because they were there and didn’t want me there. One more big thing is that they are all now going to Disney this coming spring and my daughter and I weren’t invited to go. I spent the last few years doing everything for the girls, even more then their own mom and loved them unconditionally.

    My boyfriend and I had an argument a month ago and now his girls are ill about me, his neighbors and his family all feel the same way to some extent because his one sided story tarnished the loving, generous picture of me to looking like I am intentionally trying to sabotage the girls. I never spoke ill of anyone, I’ve done things with the neighbors and I’ve done things for his family. I’m very selfless. I will, however, bring up a feeling I might have every now and then. But everyone, at this point, is judging me by false accusations made. I never said that the girls couldn’t see their cousins ever….I would never destroy their relationship. It’s technically not even his responsibility to do anything with his ex wife’s family, but I respect that he will do what he has to for the girls to see their cousins. But not when his current life and a with a relationship with me is not respected. I never did anything wrong to them and because they accused me of things, they now hate me and I have to be thrown aside.

    Getting back to his daughter. He has been trying to talk to her and explain that he still talks to me and she lashes out at him. He stayed over my place and his car was not in the driveway when she got on her bus and asked him where he was and he did finally “unhide me” and said he was here and all of a sudden she lashed out asking why he still talks to me. She finally just started following me on Instagram a couple weeks ago and apologized for supposedly acting like a brat (which I’m not sure what she was talking about) to now hating me for I have no idea reason. I have spent most of my time with her the last few years and bought her things, listened to her when she didn’t want to speak to her mom and even got her out of getting in trouble when she destroyed the kitchen table with nail polish remover. She came to me before I approached him so I can keep him calm. We had such a wonderful relationship and now my relationship with her father is in the hands of her, as he is letting her guide the direction.

    Did I do something without knowing I did something? Should I walk away? Do I ask to confront her, if he even lets me? I love this man more than any other relationship I’ve ever had, including a 20 year marriage. Yes we fought often, but he has a very erratic behavior that he admits to. If not me, I can honestly say with every being in me that he will be like this with any relationship going forward, if it’s not me.

    I hope you can guide me so I don’t make terrible choices going forward. Any assistance you can help me with, would be my saving grace. I would most appreciate it very much!!

    I’m sorry for the long email, but I do thank you in advance for taking the time to read it.”

    #857498 Reply

    According to this, you are totally selfless and many other people — his daughters, his neighbors, his family — started hating you for “false accusations,” or for no reason whatsoever. Gurl, please. If you want advice, then be honest with yourself.

    Anytime someone says they weren’t “respected,” that’s a sure sign that he or she is out of line.

    #857501 Reply

    Have you spoked to your husband about what he said to his daughters about you?

    #857507 Reply

    He’s not her husband.

    #857509 Reply

    DO NOT CONFRONT her. And I agree with FYI. People don’t just make up fake bullshit that suddenly everyone around you believes for no reason. If there were truly three years of harmony behind this relationship that would shine through, but it doesn’t.

    I truly doubt this relationship has any future, but if you want it to, you need to be an adult and stop feeding into causing drama. I don’t think you’re being totally honest with what you’ve said, or done or whatever.

    Whatever all these people think or know about you is coming from someone…most likely your boyfriend.

    #857525 Reply

    Whatever all these people think or know about you is coming from someone…most likely you, LW.

    Please understand, I am not piling on, LW. It’s just that if you go on blindly blaming everyone else — your boyfriend, his family, his daughter, you are never going to have any peace or freedom. You are clearly faulting everyone within spitting distance. Even the ex-wife is awful, according to you, and a daughter young enough to ride a school bus should be confronted?!?! Yet you paint yourself as perfect and self-sacrificing. Try to take an honest look at yourself. Did you gossip? Were you insecure? Controlling? Manipulative? Did you try to get between him and his kids? Did you act out by yelling and screaming? What you said about him — he’ll be like this with every relationship going forward — is true about you too, unless you change.

    #857527 Reply

    The man who tells you terrible things about his ex is also likely telling his ex’s family terrible things about you. He wants you to think you are better than the ex and he wants her family to think she is better than you.

    You are also probably not as perfect as you think. If people have known you for three years as a kind and thoughtful woman they wouldn’t believe some gossip about you that was so different from the person they knew. You need to look at yourself and see what you do that alienates people. What do you do that makes people believe malicious gossip. Who is telling all of this gossip to the neighbors? Again, it just might be your boyfriend.

    #857529 Reply

    He’s just not that into you. Also the family just seems sort of nuts. Life is too short to put up with people who do not like you for whatever reason. WALK. I would ghost in this situation. He does not have your back.

    #857832 Reply

    MOA. If everyone dislikes you now because of how HE painted you then the relationship is over. Why would he go around spreading malicious false hoods about you? Someone who cared about you and wanted their family to like you wouldn’t do that.

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