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Dear Wendy

Pulling away, texting is it for us?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Pulling away, texting is it for us?

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  • #829784 Reply

    I’ve been dating someone for about four months now. When I first started dating them, one of the things they mentioned that they had trouble with in their past relationships was communication. We’ve had situations arise where I have gotten upset over communication and I’ve brought this to their attention.They tell me that they are working on it and that they will continue to try to work on it as they go along. I do give them room to be themselves as I do not want to be a shroud over them and dictate how they do everything. I take in to consideration that they may be busy sometimes. One thing I will say is that they have made an effort, however this waivers at certain times, those times especially when he is around friends etc. When I mention communication, I mean texting. I also know that this isn’t his strong point neither is it my preferred method of communication. I guess I just don’t know what is an appropriate amount of communication over texting when we’re not together. I often hear of other couples who text often. However I on the other hand feel like we don’t text often enough. Am I fine with not texting often enough? I kinda am, however it would be nice to communicate over how our days went etc. Right now I have determined that I am going to pull away, some people have suggested this as to see how he will respond and how he will manage on communicating when we’re away from each other. This means that even though in the past I am sometimes the first to text or check on him, I will not be the first and instead will wait to see his patterns of communication come to light, as I will not be taking full first initiative to communicate. I think the thing that bothers me is I’m afraid to face the fact that this may be lack of interest in me. If he doesn’t try to actually keep this part of communication alive is this really ok? I also believe relationships are unique to every couple and am wondering if texting just isn’t our priority in our relationship and I am in fact worrying for nothing. Also, is this a good idea to pull away, as I have determined I would like to see what would happen over the span of two weeks.

    #829787 Reply

    Don’t pull away. When you want to hear from him, text him. There’s nothing wrong with initiating contact! He’s told you he’s not a frequent texter. I would try to relax and just decide you’re not a texting couple for a while. See how that feels. If everything else is going well – you see him as much as you want, you feel listened to, you can be honest with each other, and he shows you that you’re a priority in his life – then the texting shouldn’t feel like a big deal after a while. Alternatively, if you want more check-ins, try being specific: “It would make me feel really good if you would text me once a day to check in.” I had to give my non-communicative bf some numbers like that, and he appreciates knowing exactly what I want.

    #829788 Reply

    Have you met this person face to face?

    #829789 Reply

    I think that lot of people do not like texting constantly. It sounds like you don’t really care but you have somehow decided that this needs to be a relationship barometer for some reason.

    #829790 Reply

    I don’t know why you would expect him to be texting while with friends. That seems rude to me. When he is with friends he should be focused on the friends. It seems kind of self-absorbed to expect to be his focus of attention even when you aren’t with him and he is with other people.

    I’d have an expectation that you check in with each other when you can focus on each other. Maybe before bed or before work. The thing about texting is that you can leave a text and they can reply later, when they aren’t focused on something else. The expectation that if you text they should reply immediately again seems rude. Let him reply when he can reply.

    #829791 Reply

    If you aren’t a big fan of texting and neither is he why give it so much importance in your relationship? Do what suits the two of you and don’t worry about how much some other couples text. The number of texts doesn’t show quality of relationship. Some people like to text and do lots of it because it’s fun. Some people are checking up on their partner because they don’t trust them. Some people text because they are bored. Some people want to share everything they do.

    Find what works for the two of you.

    #829792 Reply

    This is it right here:

    “I think the thing that bothers me is I’m afraid to face the fact that this may be lack of interest in me.”

    Honestly, yes. You’re right. If you’ve been dating a guy 4 months and your gut tells you he’s not that into you, he’s probably not. You KNOW when a guy feels excited about you and invested in you. If you don’t know that at 4 months… he’s not that into you. You’re focusing on the texting thing but I think it’s a red herring. If that was all it was, it would be a tiny blip and you could figure it out.

    Bottom line, if you can’t communicate your feelings about this to him, and he can’t meet you halfway, and you can’t get on the same page about how to communicate, and you don’t feel cherished by him, and that you’re a priority to him, fuck it. It’s not happening. Next.

    • This reply was modified 1 year ago by avatarKate.
    #829795 Reply

    I think you know he’s not interested.

    Do you actually have an issue with how often you are texting? Because it sort of sounds like your friends are suggesting you don’t text enough or something.

    I wouldn’t expect to hear from a guy when he’s with his friends, or at work, or on a plane, or maybe even on a weekend away. It’s nice when your partner does reach out during those things, but I personally wouldn’t make it an expectation.

    Now, if this is a LDR the advice would be different.

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