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Dear Wendy

Questioning how i take care of our dog

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  • #839903 Reply
    avatarDog Lover

    This is mostly to vent, but if you have advice, I’d welcome that. I think my husband is controlling. I’ve told him many times that I feel really hurt when he questions me, gives the impression that he think I’m incompetent, or doesn’t trust me. Especially when it comes to caring for our dog. We don’t have kids yet, and I’m doubting whether I even want to have kids with him after our experience with getting a puppy. I get constant questions and “helpful tips.” Some examples… It would be better if you held the leash like this, this is how I do it, see? (is there only one right way to hold a leash?), Did you make sure he didn’t eat any trash while you walked him? (Why does he think I’d let him eat trash? This has never been a thing). Texting me from his office upstairs, Don’t forget to take the dog out. (I’ve never forgotten to take the dog out, if he was worried about the dog, he could have taken him out himself, and who does that, texts their wife instructions from the other room?) Did you wipe him? (He insists that I wipe the dogs penis every time he pees. I think its ridiculous but I do it now so he doesn’t get annoyed with me 8 times a day).

    Latest thing is from last night. He’s out of town this week, and several times on the phone he’s asked me questions about how I’m caring for our dog. Earlier this week, multiple times in the same conversation, you still have the cone on him, right? (he recently got neutered. He got a clean bill of health from the vet, but my husband insists he still wear it till he gets home). Last night I was telling him about my friend and I going out to eat by the park. He asks What did you do with the dog? I took him with us. Where did he sit? I had him in my lap some, and on the ground while I was eating. Did you check under the table first? He’s made a big deal before about making sure the dog doesn’t eat things off the ground, and I knew that was what he was getting at and was annoyed by the suggestion, so I responded, No, there might have been poison and rat droppings but I just let him sit there and maybe he ate some of it. He went silent.

    I knew I shouldn’t have been sarcastic, so I apologized and said I know he’s just worried about him, but he’s fine and he’s gotta know that I’m always looking out for him. Then explained I feel looked down on being questioned like that, second guessed, and asked him why was he worried? He says, I just want to know that he’s fine. How am I going to know if I don’t ask about what you’re doing? I say, you could just assume that he’s well taken care of with me and not question it. He said, no I can ask questions. I say okay, then in the future, when I feel like my judgement is being questioned, I’m going to respond that I’m not answering your question, but I can assure you that the dog is fine, happy, and healthy. He says no, that’s not okay, You should answer me that you checked under the table and you cleaned the floor and moved any potential food away before you put him down there. I tell him no, I’m not willing to answer like that. (I did actually check the ground before I put him down there, but at this point, I didn’t feel like I owed him that explanation. Either he believes that I’m capable of caring for our dog or he doesn’t). Then he says curtly, okay, you know what, I’m going to let you go to sleep now. That’s his way of getting off the phone.

    I know he’s mad, but I don’t want to apologize for refusing to answer what I see as controlling and critical questions, nor do I want to keep answering them as if I owe him an accounting of everything that I do. I’ve tried explaining my feelings to him, and it doesn’t seem to change his behavior. So now I just want to try refusal and see how that goes. He has said before that he thinks I’m making too big a deal about minor things and taking things personally when he doesn’t mean it that way.

    #839905 Reply

    “No, there might have been poison and rat droppings but I just let him sit there and maybe he ate some of it.”

    This is awesome.

    Don’t have kids with this person. He has some kind of untreated something — maybe OCD, maybe anxiety, maybe asshole-itis.

    #839907 Reply

    There’s something very wrong here.

    Is he this way about anything other than the dog? Does he micro-manage the way you load the dishwasher, drive the car, handle money?

    FYI is right – absolutely do not have kids with this man, at least until you get to the bottom of what’s causing this (very strange) behavior. Have you considered couples therapy?

    #839910 Reply

    I’m not a therapist; this is just my opinion. It isn’t a substitute for getting a more professional insight.

    Your husband is a man who doesn’t recognize his impulses as inappropriate, unkind, and not your responsibility to manage for him.

    I have anxiety. Refusing to allow your dog to walk under a table unless you first “check” and requiring you to “wipe” the dog after he goes bathroom would be obnoxious but somewhat more understandable to me if HE was the one doing it. The fact that he is unable to determine that his compulsions are just that (and not just being a responsible pet owner) is bad enough, but for him to demand you pacify him and insist you indulge his compulsions for him when he is there and in absence of him being home to control things is inevitably going to cause some problems in this relationship.

    I suggest personal therapy to learn how to say no to him and couples therapy so you have the means to communicate your willingness to support your marriage but not his anxiety. It’s okay to validate that it exists, but when you accommodate his compulsions you are teaching him you accept this dysfunctional support he keeps requesting.

    You seem to really care about his feelings and it seems as though he can’t or won’t offer you the same kind of consideration. Communicating this to him hasn’t seemed to have made a difference and it’s understandable that your feelings are hurt. Try to de-personalize what feels like de-validation from your partner. I would guess that he is critical of everyone regardless of their objective performance. It probably isn’t personal even though it feels that way because he is your husband. You have good instincts not having a child with him because you are unhappy with the relationship status quo.

    And just to be clear, I also feel completely disgusted by the image of someone habitually wiping their dog’s ass.

    #839911 Reply

    Hate to say it, but DAMN! The man is full on batshit fucking crazy. Next time he calls, I’d simply forward it on to your brand new divorce attorney.
    Get. Out. Now.

    #839916 Reply

    That wiping thing is messed up.

    #839927 Reply

    DO NOT have kids with this man, he is a controlling nightmare. if you chose to stay, therapy is an absolute must. But consider if this is the life you want for yourself forever, can you live like this for the next 20-60 years? I couldn’t.

    #839932 Reply

    @ Fyodor

    its actually not messed up, when you pee or poop do you just pull you underwear back up without out even wiping the area clean and dry? you probably don’t that’s why you say this is messed up. When a dog pees the piss get soaked up in the fur around the penis known as the foreskin on men, this will get rubbed off onto your couch, pants or carpet, same with the bump, it has stool oil which the dog will rub on your carpet of bed or whatever it wants to rub it off on. All dog owners should wipe their dogs down after it had its washroom break. Its called being hygienic, ever heard of that word?

    #839938 Reply

    PS — a bad as it would be for you to have kids with this douche… it’d be a MILLION times worse for the poor kids! Save all of you from this control freak now.
    PS #2 — Your crack about rat poison and feces made me laugh out loud. You’re funny. Clearly, you can do better than your dreary husband!

    #839943 Reply

    I don’t think your husband is controlling. I KNOW he is controlling.

    I don’t care if he has OCD, is the best dog-dad out there or what – but those questions are ridiculous. His behavior is ridiculous. Your rat poison comment was perfection.

    Marriage therapy stat. Birth control immediately. Get yourself an IUD.

    #839945 Reply

    I have never heard of anyone wiping a dog’s penis after peeing.

    #839946 Reply

    Thank you for the ad hominem attack on my hygiene, friendly neighborhood Internet wacko.

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