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Dear Wendy

Questioning how i take care of our dog

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  • #840028 Reply

    Chiming in to say it’s weird to wipe the dog every time he pees. I have a small, non-shedding dog (she is a girl though) and actually sometimes her hair gets matted down there and I need to clean it, but certainly not every time she goes. Maybe once a week, if that.

    Also – 32 is definitely not too late to have kids and I’m so glad you are researching how to get out. It honestly sounds like you’re living in a prison and I think it will be so freeing to get out. Please try to get custody of your pup!

    #840029 Reply

    No, Kate, you are talking about normal guys. Her husband does wipe his penis down, then washes it with disinfecting soap, water, and then carefully dries it again.

    #840076 Reply

    I think you’re doing the right thing by meeting with the divorce attorney. Your husband will never change and you can’t live this way. Your mental health and your happiness both depend on you getting yourself out of this marriage.

    #840081 Reply

    Please don’t decide to stay with him simply so you can have children. I understand that you want things to go how you planned, but you’ve said the person you are with makes your depression worse, he clearly treats you like crap, and he’d be a terrible parent. There is nothing here that makes it sound like having kids with him would be remotely a good idea.

    And honestly, it’s not just about you. Having kids with him would be sort of a mean thing to do to the kids. Growing up with dad who nitpicks them like this and who doesn’t get along with them mom would be a nightmare.

    #840084 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    I think you’re making the right decision, LW. If your husband is this bad now, when things are fine, take a moment to imagine how he’s going to be when the dog inevitably gets sick and ages. Or when anything else goes sideways, as it is wont to do in life. As for wanting kids, like everyone else has said, your husband would subject you to this when you have kids, but probably much worse. And, even if you get a divorce after you have them, you’ll still have to co-parent with him, and then he can get the court involved. Not to mention that he’d pull this same shit on your kids for their entire childhoods, doing who knows what damages in the process. The problem is him, and his presumably untreated issues. You can’t fix it.

    #840085 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    PS: The only time I have ever wiped my dog’s ass was when she had diarrhea and shit all over herself. Otherwise, she’s good at taking care of that situation herself.

    #840087 Reply

    As somebody who professionally walked dogs for a lot of fucked up / impossibly rich people who were often hilariously high maintainence… even I can still say this was not once ever requested of me. The constant wiping thing, I mean.

    #840132 Reply

    Dog Lover, I do remember your previous post – you said your husband would ask where you wanted to go to dinner, but then just ignore your answer and suggest you go where he wants, something like that? Anyway, I’m glad you’re seeing a divorce lawyer. Definitely do not have kids with him, or this behavior will get worse.

    #840271 Reply
    avatarDog Lover

    One other thing that gives me the creeps is that he has the whole house “wired.” With the ring Doorbell, lights controlled through an app, alarm system where he can see on his phone whenever doors are opened, and Alexa where he can call/tap into it and have a conversation with me in the house while he’s out. He used to watch me on the ring doorbell when I’d take the dog out or go running. I didn’t know it until one time he made a comment about something I had done. It wasn’t a bad comment, it was something that he thought was cute, but it freaked me out because I didn’t realize he had been watching me the whole time. I got mad and asked him to stop and he turned the motion alerts off so now he said he only looks when someone rings the bell. He’s called into the Alexa twice to talk to me when I wasn’t answering my phone cause i forgot it was on silent. He says he’s never done it otherwise, but it just freaks me out that the ability is there where he could tap into it and listen to me at home and I wouldn’t know it. So part of this is my anxiety that I hate the feeling of being watched, and he thinks I’m accusing him of like being a stalker. He thinks this is all normal stuff. Which maybe it is and I’m the weird one for hating it? This whole thing is I hate feeling like he doesn’t trust me, but right now I’m saying I don’t trust him with these abilities, that he’d use them badly. I’m sure that is painful for him to hear. This all sounds really bad, right?
    Btw, I saw the lawyer yesterday, but I’m not deciding anything until after my next therapy appointment.

    #840274 Reply

    No, that’s not normal. Again, HE has mental health issues, take your pick – paranoia, anxiety, some kind of personality disorder, need to control everyone around him, who knows, but the point is he doesn’t think he’s the one with any problem, it’s you with the problem, and he’s making you believe it.

    #840276 Reply

    I also would not believe him when he says he’s stopped doing this or that.

    #840280 Reply

    I’m not sure that it would be a problem for someone if the letter writer didn’t already have a whole host of other issues with him.

    I am someone who will probably need consistent treatment for anxiety and has to put more time and energy into maintaining my mental health than other people. I like to keep things simple but my husband stays on the edge of new technology.

    When he bought an Alexa, I felt anxious about external surveillance and giving Jeff Bezos too much information about my shopping preferences and musical listening habits. I didn’t trust the devices not to “hear” things unless they were unplugged which isn’t very practical to do with five or six of them.

    But if it were up to me we also wouldn’t have automatic payments set up, have known the joys of HBO, I might still not have a smart phone, and I’d probably be even more app-illiterate than I am now, or understood much less of the game world.

    I’ve personally been struggling a lot over the last year or so and I’m married to someone who is generally optimistic and can adapt in a way that I think offers our children something that isn’t inherent to my repertoire.

    He’s working away from our home until the kids and I can move this summer with the least disruption and I actually love that they can drop in with him (and do so) every single night. He will often read to them, they can set personal alarms to the sounds they want to wake up to, and they can listen to music without a screen. They also listen to books as they read along. I’m still not entirely comfortable with it.

    I guess I’m just saying it isn’t the technology that is inherently bad; it’s that you don’t trust your husband not to be controlling and monitor what you do all day. It sounds like the Alexa feels like an extension of his watchful gaze. It isn’t about negotiating what is normal. He has a personality you don’t trust and with some good reason, even if nothing extreme has ever occurred. You don’t have to wait there until you know for sure it wasn’t just your own silly anxiety.

    I originally included a personal anecdote, but it really isn’t relevant to the fact that you don’t feel comfortable around your husband and in your own home. You are the one seeing a therapist. It is fine for this to be a deal-breaker if you aren’t happy and okay in your living situation.

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