Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Questioning how i take care of our dog

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Viewing 8 posts - 61 through 68 (of 68 total)
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  • #840727 Reply

    PS – I am a dog person and know dogs. You do NOT need to wipe them after they go to the bathroom. Stop doing that. It’s weird.

    #840735 Reply

    @CET I was totally at the park the other day and saw a lady do that. WHAT the FUCK? So weird.

    #840746 Reply

    Run like the wind.

    Also, I’m curious, have you ever turned the tables? Called to check up on him, asked him how he did something and then ask for more detail, and then say “just checking to make sure you were doing it properly?”

    If he says it’s okay that he wants to know he must be okay with you wanting to know.

    Either way you need to get out and you definitely need not to have kids with this guy.

    #840894 Reply

    Kate is dead on. It sounds like your husband has untreated mental health issues. I say this as someone divorcing her husband with untreated mental health issues. I didn’t know about them before we got married. We had been friends a long time previously but it turns out it is easy to project a certain persona from a distance of friendship and damn near impossible to do it with someone you live with day to day. I see a lot of my ex husband in what you have written. Your husband has shown you who he is. No one should live with constant critique. Ever. It’s abusive. It destroys you and your sense of self esteem and it emboldens him to do it more. I’m actually fairly arrogant in a way and was dismissive of my ex’s attempts to be critical but looking back, that is exactly what he was trying to do. Your husband sounds like he cannot even grasp the concept of empathy. My ex at least knew he had to fake it… until he just couldn’t anymore. If you take anything away from my cautionary tale please take this: the one thing multiple therapist have told me is that it gets worse with age. As he gets older, whatever his personality disorder actual is, will get worse. That’s just the nature of the illness. A therapist actually told me, given my ex’s likely condition, he is incapable of getting the help he needs. Functionally incapable of it. So really, there is no choice.
    Please get out now. While you are still young enough to go on and have a life and a family with someone else. Please don’t have kids with him. Beyond the risk of a child inheriting whatever illness he has, you do a disservice to them by choosing a father like this for them. Navigating this divorce has been hellish for me because I am constantly trying to protect my daughter against the actions of someone that should be putting her first but doesn’t. It has been needlessly expensive because he insists on things that are unreasonable and every aspect of every decision must be litigated. And just because I ultimately prevail in court doesn’t mean I didn’t have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to do so. It is the price of admission for my freedom so I have to pay it. And frankly there are no guarantees I get a reasonably judge so every motion he brings runs the risk of damage to my child. All I can do now is try and fend him off and hope he tires. Or frankly dies. Because I am linked to him forever through our daughter. And I know ultimately I will have to teach her how to navigate her father and his illness. Truly, I feel I have failed her in this regard by picking wrong for her father. I know I couldn’t have had this exact perfect child without him but I have guilt I have to carry that I have burdened her in life with him. Don’t do this to yourself. You found out the truth early enough.

    #840898 Reply

    My on/off boyfriend from 2003-2011 had some issues like this, and we never lived together and I kept him at a decent distance (kept breaking up, and we only hung out on the weekend), so i was able to limit how it affected me, but it definitely got worse with age. He was only slightly aware of the extent of his issues, knew his dad had messed him up, but would never really face it. He did go to therapy once, but he said the therapist told him he’s fine. Even with that limited contact, he made me anxious and depressed and somewhat questioning myself.

    He met and quickly married someone in 2012, and from what I hear from mutual friends and my hairdresser who he insists on still going to even after he screamed at her one time and she tried to fire him, he’s worse. In a nutshell, they live in Florida now and have a child, but he’s interviewing for jobs in the northeast, including Canada. Um… okey dokey. I met him when he was like 28 and he’s 45 now.

    FireStar is right, it starts out that you see more good than bad, but it gets progressively worse. It never gets better.

    #840907 Reply
    avatarEllen K

    Everyone has their shortcomings, but this guy borders being on the spectrum with his ridiculous fixations. Does he realize male dogs spend a great deal of time licking themselves? I’ve had dogs my whole life and they lived long, happy lives of running around, sleeping on our bed, eating appropriate table scraps and generally being one of the family. I think you should really question why this man has these outrageous compulsions that he feels he must force on you. Whatever you do, do NOT have children with him. If he’s this crazy about a dog’s behavior, you will end up with children so messed up they will never leave the house. By the way, you don’t mention it, but do his parents frequently call to check up on him or did he lose a sibling early in life? There’s unresolved “something” there.

    #841341 Reply
    avatarBeen There Done That

    LW- like Firestar I was married to someone like this. Being divorced at 29 stung like a MF but now at almost 34 I have a wonderful man and daughter. Don’t let your age dictate your happiness. Other things will happen for you. Living with someone with that kind anxiety and/or OCD who won’t get help is insufferable. Trust me. It started like yours, hyper critical and focusing on weird things that don’t matter, micromanaging me and my cleanliness or behavior (fitness was a weird fixation for him as well). Then is moved on to him comparing me to other women (coworkers friends and family.) One of those coworkers who was sooooo much better than me soon became another fixation, then his gf and now his wife. He became a father at 38. I hear he is miserable and still battling OCD. The kicker… He tried to come back to me 3 times. Obviously he was shut down and he is still with her.

    My point- recognize it now, see it for what it is and don’t waste more time. Therapy is a must for him and if he won’t commit to that please don’t commit yourself to him. Your life is what you make of it and you can do better. Do you really want to live your life like this or do you want to take it into your own hands and do what is right for you?

    I wish you well and good luck, I know how bad this sucks.

    #841361 Reply

    You should take the dog and go, or stay and pack up his stuff and tell him to go. This is the beginning of abuse. I mean it is abuse but this is how it starts. This is the frog in the pot and now the water is getting warmer. Right now you’re sensing the water getting warm but you don’t want to wait until it’s boiling. I have pets that I consider to be my kids. When I go on vacation I feel nervous leaving them but I’ve never given my pet sitters the third degree the way psycho dog wiener wiper has. Don’t have kids with this person. Just cut your losses and move on.

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