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Questioning if i was wrong, when he lied about being married in the past

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar Essie 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #833296 Reply

    So I been dating this guy for almost a year, up until this january 2019. A brief history- We met at work in march 2018, and all of my coworkers who knew said he was a player..but I still ended up dating him, and eventually we said I love you to each other after about 4 months. I was smitten by him, and I love talking to him, and seeing him for the brief time. We see each other about twice a week. One of those days would be going on the road for his baseball game, and another day would be at the gym. He would text and call me on days when we didnt see each other ,all the time.

    During this time, I often expressed his lack of effort to make plans to see me. He rarely plan dates. The times that we did meet up was to go to the gym, or go see his baseball games. I think we been on one movie date, and one comedy show during that time. He didnt even wish me a happy birthday, although he was in puerto rico, even when he came back he didnt acknowledge my birthday. He has two kids but never introduce me to them or allow me to spend the night at his house. The kids knew of me cause he talked to me on “speakerphone” but i never really met them. In fact, he never let me spend the night at his house, because he did not want his son seeing him with a women. The only time I was at his house, was when the kids were not there. He moved his brother into his house, so then it was just him, his son, and his brother. I never met his family, and he has never met mine. I asked him to meet my friends before, but there was always some sort of excuse.

    During our dating time, he been to my house a couple of times, but never to spend the night, and at the most was for dinner and for sex. He send his work schedule, for he has full time job, and then his baseball games in the evening..but I often complain that he could not take the initativae to take me out on real dates, or even spend the night with me.

    The last issue I had was we never spend holidays together. For xmas, I got him a Ipad tablet, and he bought me a cake. I was like really?? He makes more money than I do, and he works a lot, but that was the best effort he could do. He often has me to buy him clothes, or stuff around the house, and he still have not paid me back.

    Recently, in january I had a dream about him being married, and questioned him about it. His reponse was that he has never been married, not even close! I went online, because my gut was off, and I found public records of him being married in 2010. I also found that he was divorce in 2015. I text him what I found and his response was “im not married, and not messing with anyone.” I was hurt, but still reach out to him to contact me the following day. ITs been 8 weeks, he never call or text me at all. Was I wrong for questioning about his past and looking it up online? Perhaps, he still upset? I dont understand how he can stay I love you to me everyday, and then wont even call me to discuss what I found online. I haven’t contact him either.

    #833328 Reply
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    JD
    Member

    He has been with someone the whole time. Consider yourself lucky he is gone.

    #833334 Reply
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    Kate

    My take on this as well is that he is probably in another relationship and you were a side thing.

    But look, even if that’s not true, he was a horrible “boyfriend.” He didn’t do anything for you that you want from a boyfriend. And he lied to you. He’s awful. People tried to warn you, you didn’t believe them, and then you saw it for yourself. Obviously I know this hurts, but he’s done you a big favor by peacing out. If he should resurface because he’s lonely or wants to hook up, do not give in. You should block and delete him now on every form of communication so you won’t be tempted.

    #833335 Reply

    I also think he was probably in another relationship while he was seeing you and as soon as you started questioning the relationship, he was done.

    Reflect on the relationship. Was what you had really love to you? You never met his family or friends. You didn’t really have dates. He didn’t want to meet your people. He bought you a cake for Christmas. We’re you really that happy, dating him? It kind of seems like you’d just accept what he was willing to give, which doesn’t seem like much.

    Take care of yourself and keep moving on from this.

    #833336 Reply
    avatar
    FYI

    Jesus, stay away from this person. He’s lying, AND he doesn’t treat you well. Watching someone while he plays baseball is not a date. And don’t ever, ever, ever buy stuff for someone like that. He’s a grown-ass man with two children; why would you think he can’t buy his own clothes?

    You knew this was effed up all along, c’mon. You STILL know it, but you don’t have the self-worth to take action. Pretend you do, leave him far behind, and go get good at something that has nothing to do with men.

    #833337 Reply
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    Kate

    I think because he gave you so freaking little, you were always craving more. So you felt attracted and attached, but there was nothing to the relationship.

    Also, never feel bad about calling a guy out on a lie about something like a marriage. You absolutely should. And then bail.

    #833338 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    So everyone told you he was a player, you jumped in anyway and now you’re wondering if you’re wrong for putting 2+2 together to get 4?

    You were wrong to accept so little from a relationship. You were wrong to assume words are more important than deeds. You were not wrong to listen to your gut.

    He got you a freaking cake for Christmas.

    Aim higher.

    #833339 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Yeah, MOA.

    #833429 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    “I dont understand how he can stay I love you to me everyday, and then wont even call me to discuss what I found online. ”

    Because he was lying when he said he loved you. Isn’t that the definition of a player? Flatter you, promise you everything, and not mean any of it?

    Anyone can say “I love you.” The words don’t have any meaning unless they’re backed up by actions. You know someone loves you by the way they treat you, and everything about this guy’s actions said that he didn’t care about you. You weren’t important to him. You weren’t a priority.

    When a guy really does love you, he’ll be excited to show you off to his friends and family. He’ll want to make you a part of his life, include you in plans with his family and his friends, take you out on dates, see you as often as he can.

    To answer your question, no, you did nothing wrong by asking him about his marriage. Of course you had every right to ask about that.

    This was a terrible relationship, and he did you a favor by disappearing.

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