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Questioning My Life Choice at the Moment

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  • #869432 Reply
    avatarJames
    Guest

    Hello… I am here pretty much out of desperation. I will try to keep it brief. Near mid-2019, I had found happiness in myself after much introspection. I finally had a decent job, had my own place, car, and found a religion that suits me and makes me feel at home.
    Through that, though… I met my girlfriend, Renee. We instantly clicked and fell in love. She warned me she had 3 kids, an abusive ex, and some more baggage to boot. I still wanted her.
    A few months ago, we decided to live together. I have now taken the role as step-father and still go to work in the same job… but we’re barely making it.
    Over time, I’ve started feeling incredibly stressed over my current situation. I could not hold onto my happiness. I’ve lost interest in many things, as I don’t have time to do them anymore, and I almost feel like I am trapped. I am not sure what I am supposed to be feeling, or how to even handle it. I just know that the happiness I felt back in June is not there anymore. Someone help me please.

    #869434 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yikes. Okay. Regardless of Renee’s baggage and kids, you moved way too fast. You met her, what, 6-7 months ago? And moved in within a couple of months of meeting? That is way, way, way too quick to know if you actually have the right chemistry for lasting love, and just puts far too much pressure on a new relationship. If one or both of you have kids, it’s just completely unacceptable to move this quickly. You shouldn’t even be meeting her kids until several months of progressive dating and a strong loving relationship. No way should you be living with them and trying to be their stepfather. You made a big mistake here, and it’s affecting your quality of life and mental health very negatively. Throw in her history of abuse (and whatever else – addiction? Inability to stay employed? Not sure, but you said there’s more), and this is just impossible.

    I think you need to acknowledge that you moved too fast and put the brakes on. Move out. If you want to be with her then just date like normal people. Take it easy.

    #869440 Reply

    Wow, please listen to Kate. It’s very clear where the problem is. You were happy six months ago, before you moved in with her and her kids and her baggage. You moved way too fast.

    Her responsibilities are not your responsibilities. Do not let her guilt you into trying to make this instant family work. The only way this would work is if she and her kids move out and you take a step back from parenting duties.

    #869443 Reply
    avatarZephyr
    Participant

    The feeling of being trapped doesn’t help in the actual act of moving out. I simply can’t move out.
    1. I can’t afford it
    2. I’ll feel incredibly guilty (she has no where to go, and frankly, neither do I)
    3. I am afraid it will damage the relationship further with her and the kids

    I’m more or less asking how can I cope with it and find my happiness again through the coping. Do I take a step back and talk to her about it?

    #869445 Reply
    avatarZephyr
    Participant

    I’ve already acknowledged to myself it moved too fast, it’s too late to take anything back, though.

    (This is the OP, James, by the way)

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by avatarZephyr.
    #869448 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    So, you moved in with someone and became the de-facto stepfather to her three children after knowing her for 12 weeks.

    You know that ad, “that’s not how any of this works?” Yeah, that.

    Even if she didn’t have kids, it would have been a not-great idea to move in together after 3 months. You’re barely getting to know each other at that point. It’s not love yet, it’s infatuation. Love can certainly follow after infatuation, but it usually doesn’t, and if it does, it takes time.

    You know what to do here. You need to move out. Or she does. If you feel like the relationship might be salvageable, you can continue getting to know each other and see where things go. But I don’t hold out a lot of hope here. The fact that she moved a guy in with her kids and put him in the role of stepfather weeks after meeting him is just terrible judgement on her part. Most people with kids wouldn’t even have introduced you to them at that point.

    #869450 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    No, it’s not “too late to take anything back.” That’s ridiculous.

    This relationship is not going to survive if you continue as you’re going now. Whether you move out now or later, you’re going to be moving out. It might as well be now.

    If you could afford your own place before you met her, you can afford it now. As for feeling guilty about leaving her, you’re not responsible for her bad decisions. She’s a parent, and she made a spectacularly irresponsible decision for herself and her kids.

    If she’s unable to support herself and her family on her own, you can help her find assistance.

    #869456 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Why do you believe you can’t get out of this?

    #869459 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Look, this woman is extremely troubled. It is not your fault that she was abused, had 3 kids, and whatever else that you’re not telling us. It’s not your fault she can’t afford a place to live and made the horrible decision to move in with a guy she barely knew. You can’t fix her. You can’t keep sinking more time in this and getting more and more stuck. You made a mistake. Now get OUT. Tell her you made a mistake. You can’t do this anymore. If she rails at you and blames you, again, she and her kids are not your responsibility. Her situation is not your fault. You don’t owe it to anyone to stick around in this no-win situation and try to be happy. If this were a bad job situation I’d tell you to find another job and then get out. In this situation you just get out. Go back to whatever you were doing before and save up more money.

    #869460 Reply
    avatarZephyr
    Participant

    I said why in a previous reply.
    In this case, hindsight is definitely 20/20… I am not going to move out. I personally know I made a mistake in moving too fast. I am not going to be moving out and neither is she. My question is not whether or not she or I should move out.
    My question is how I can cope with it. I don’t have a problem with the situation itself, I don’t carry regret. I have a problem with the way I am handling it in my mind.

    #869462 Reply
    avatarZephyr
    Participant

    Okay.

    #869463 Reply
    avatarTiana
    Guest

    So because you made a mistake you are just going to keep the mistake going? Thats really stupid. Its also not fair to her or the kids. Eventually you will bail out, the longer you wait the more attached those kids and Renee will be.

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