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Dear Wendy

Rejected by a woman whom I thought liked me – did I misread the situation?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Rejected by a woman whom I thought liked me – did I misread the situation?

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 24 total)
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  • #874870 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I just think it’s lame to make these gestures and expect her to know what you want and how you feel without ever actually saying it. It puts all the burden on her to bring it up, and she didn’t. And now you’re disappointed that she didn’t determine what you were too shy to say aloud.

    #874871 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    All good points, Anonymousse.

    Ankit, it’s unlikely that would have made her interested if she wasn’t, BUT by being clear about your feelings, you could have spared you both confusion and saved time.

    #874872 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. There was probably no way it was going to work out.

    #874873 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    Find a lady who lives near you, who you can see regularly and with whom you don’t need to engage in this complicated long distance Kremlinology. Half the world is women.

    #874879 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    I’m in Fyodor’s camp. 20 hours, even if it would have been friendship turned to in-person romantic conversation and some physical interaction, isn’t going to support an indefinite LDR. There was nothing you could have done ‘better’ to save this situation and send it in the direction you wanted. She did herself and you a huge favor. What you tried to create was a reason for both of you to put your romantic lives on hold for multiple years, as you lived a fantasy in your heads and over the internet. You don’t say how old the two of you are, but some of what you write suggests you are fairly young, in which case you both badly need to get socially/romantically involved with in-person people in order to fully mature emotionally. Focusing your romantic interest upon far-away internet people can stunt your development. Your situation not as bad as the many posters in your position, with the exception they have spent zero hours in person But, in the grand scheme of things, 20 isn’t all that far from 0.

    Best advice: go out and live your life, in the present, and with the people close enough that you can have frequent in-person interactions. That’s really the only way to learn the necessary social/emotional skills for life.

    #874881 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    I should add that one reason you seem young and inexperience is your title indicating that his woman rejected you. She didn’t reject you. You were friends. You inched up to crossing the line into romance and she pulled away for both your sakes. That is less of a rejection than your asking a local girl out for a date and her very politely declining. Not really a rejection. Perhaps part of your problem, both the sidling up to romance, rather than being direct, and doing so with a woman in another country is that you are overly terrified of what you see as rejection. It’s not. You have to expect to date more than one, or two, or three women on first and second dates to find a reasonably compatible match. On the road to those dates, you have to expect more women will decline than agree to go out on a second, or even a first date with you. If you use a dating app, you have to expect a much higher rate of lack of positive response to your initiatives. If you are not emotionally strong enough to accept such extremely mild ‘rejection’ then you are not yet mature enough for a relationship. It really is that simple.

    #874914 Reply
    Prognosti-gatorPrognosti-gator
    Participant

    Have to say, using the term “friendzoned” in your initial post and putting “friendship” in quotes in one of your responses is really off-putting.

    So, now that you know she’s not interested in romance, have you lost all interest in being her friend? If so, you were only presenting a front in order to get what you want from her – if she picked up on that, no wonder she didn’t want to get in deeper with you.

    #874916 Reply
    CurlyQueCurlyQue
    Participant

    If you sense someone becoming distance the response isn’t to “bite the bullet” and love bomb them with your feelings, it’s to respect that they’re creating space.

    #874928 Reply
    avatarAnkit
    Guest

    “So, now that you know she’s not interested in romance, have you lost all interest in being her friend? If so, you were only presenting a front in order to get what you want from her – if she picked up on that, no wonder she didn’t want to get in deeper with you.”

    Thanks for the thoughts! Not at all, I still care for her and will always do, but I was just wondering if there’s anything I should have done to make my intention clearer to her from the beginning. It wasn’t a “front” at all.

    #874929 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Yes, use actual words from the very beginning instead of gestures.

    #874930 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    I’m not so sure that the issue was how clearly you stated your intentions, and when.

    I think the problem was this:

    ” I was initially hoping that I could try to keep in touch online, visit her 2-3 times a year and find out an end game on how we can end up in the same place.”

    That’s….just not something a lot of people would be interested in. I certainly wouldn’t. It’s not enough. Especially given that you barely know each other and have barely spent any time together. It would be different if you’d lived in the same city and were in a serious relationship for a couple of years and then one of you had to go work in another country for a year. You’d have a strong foundation, and an endpoint where you knew you’d be together again.

    You’re probably thinking “No, I know her really well because we talk all the time.” That’s part of getting to know someone, but I don’t think you really know a person until you’re spending a lot of time around them and not just talking, but *observing*. How they interact with their family. With friends. How they handle hard situations. How they live their life.

    So, the short(er) version: what you were hoping for was unreasonable, and almost certainly unworkable. To ask her to commit to someone she’s just getting to know, and have a relationship of online chats with a couple of visits a year? With a promise of maybe being together someday, somehow? That’s not realistic. At all.

    Seriously, stick to women you can have an actual, in-person relationship with. It’s so, so, so much better.

    #874931 Reply
    avatarAnkit
    Guest

    “So, the short(er) version: what you were hoping for was unreasonable, and almost certainly unworkable. To ask her to commit to someone she’s just getting to know, and have a relationship of online chats with a couple of visits a year? With a promise of maybe being together someday, somehow? That’s not realistic. At all.”

    Thanks. This hits the nail on the head. A year ago, I wouldn’t have imagined myself wanting to do this ever either. However, as I got to know her through our online chats and occasional meet-ups, for some reasons I started to fall for her. I ended up really liking her that I was willing to make all exceptions in this case. My fault though, I tend to be highly emotional in my decisions…

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