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Dear Wendy

Relationship advice

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  • #968382 Reply

    Hey, so first of all, pardon my english (It’s not the worse, but definitely not the best).

    I’m not experienced when it comes to dating since that I have only had 2 boyfriends (I’m 19). My latest was long distance and it lasted around 5-6 months. We met on an app and, at the time, he was very depressed, but he managed to overcome it.

    Do I like him? Yes.
    Do I love him? I don’t know.

    He kept telling me that he did, but I wasn’t so certain about my own feelings and the passion kind of decreased. Our conversation became basic (hey, what’s up, what are you doing) and we rarely came out of that loop.

    I broke up with him because of those doubts and due to the fact that we argued a lot, mostly about small things, and I think that my lack of experience affected the relationship because I can be open about my feelings and, all the sudden, shut off.

    Then, a few months later, we regained contact (we had each other blocked) because he had fallen for another girl and he was heartbroken and he wanted my help/advice. We started talking again and we still tho, not daily tho.

    Another thing is that, when talking about previous relationships, he often showed me screenshots of conversations and I think that he falls hard quickly. After a week of dating, he was already saying that he loved me and wanted to marry, which he also said to his exe’s and to the girl i mentioned above.

    We still talk and I know that he still has feelings for me and so do I, although not as wrong as his. I’ve seen him depressed and with thoughts regarding self harm, both when I meet him and we regained contact, so I’m quite scared.

    Should I give it another try at long distance?
    Should I wait until we meet face to face and maybe try again?
    Do we stay friends or stop talking to each other?

    What do I do?

    (Thank you for reaching this long text!)

    #968385 Reply

    Oh, and we mostly talked through text messages, although he have seen each others face in pictures. We’ve made about 2 video calls and, most recently, we talked through voice call because he was about to do his license exam and he asked me to.

    #968388 Reply

    I think you should forget this guy and only date people you can have IRL relationships with.

    Why would you consider getting back together with him when he got in contact with you to ask your advice about another girl? I don’t even think it makes sense to be friends with him, considering how he can’t even really hold a conversation with you. And don’t feel bad about it! You don’t have to be friends. You don’t have to give him dating advice.

    If he has depression and brings up self harm, he should be seeking help for that and not trying to date people he meets on apps right now.

    #968390 Reply

    This guy is using you as an emotional crutch and that’s is not your job. Seriously, he reached out to you because he was heartbroken and needed to talk or his exams are coming up and he needs to talk. Blargh.

    It sounds like you recognize he’s pretty needy and that there really isn’t a future. Reading between the lines (and I’m totally assuming here) he really wants to be loved, when he meets someone new he demands a connection, leaps straight into infatuation and then gets pissy when you can’t read his mind, solve all of his problems and have your own life.

    Just move on.

    #968394 Reply

    When you move on and meet a mature, cool person who really captures your attention, you’ll laugh at yourself for spending so much energy worrying about this dude. We’ve all been there, especially at 19. You can do so much better, I promise. Encourage internet boy to get some help for the depression, then go very low contact.

    Date boys in real life, and run for the hills if they profess their love in the first few weeks. Remember, a guy can’t love you until he really knows your values, habits, flaws, etc. That takes months, at least. Until then, all the professions of love are about infatuation and something missing inside them, not about you as a real person.

    I’m excited for you, because it sounds like you are figuring out how to prioritize what you want and need in a relationship. Enjoy this period of dating – it’s fun!

    #968395 Reply

    This is a total waste of time. People who go on apps or chat sites and start something with somebody long distance are not ready or available for any kind of real relationship. They’re messed up. They want attention, validation, and a dopamine rush. They’re often involved with someone else. They’re an emotional wreck like this guy. I did this myself a long time ago, and I get it. The best thing you can do is just block him and stop talking to him. There will be some withdrawal from that dopamine hit you get from talking to him, but that’s all it is. There’s no real connection here. Just move on and work on whatever’s going on with you that led you to try to have a relationship with this guy.

    #968396 Reply

    Public Service Announcement to all young daters —
    You are not their depression / lovelife / whatever rehab. You don’t have to take on the role of counselor or mom or fix-it person. Dating is supposed to be FUN! If it isn’t fun, if you can’t even have a conversation with the other person, then exit fast.

    I picture LW trying to swim to the surface, with lots of youthful energy, where things are bright and happy — and this guy is like weights on her ankles. Avoid, avoid, avoid. You don’t owe him your time.

    Public Service Announcement #2 —
    If you have never met in real life, you aren’t in a relationship. Sorry, I don’t care how much texting is exchanged. If the entirety of your “relationship” has been long-distance, then you aren’t in a relationship.

    Don’t get bogged down with depressing, unavailable people.

    #968409 Reply

    Another Public Service Announcement to add to the two excellent ones from FYI:

    If someone tells you after ‘knowing’ you for about a week on the internet that he loves you and wants to marry you, then you know that he is either planning to use you to immigrate to your country or just plain crazy. That’s not how love works. Lust can be that fast, really instantaneous, but you say he hadn’t even seen a picture of you that early on, so not even lust. Desperation of some sort or serious mental health issues.

    If someone shows you screen shots as documentary evidence that he falls in love with and wants to marry so many women whom he’s only met on the internet and after only a week of chatting, then you know for certain that he is a dangerous, mentally ill person whom you need to utterly avoid, on-line as well as in real life. Nothing good can come from “I want to marry you” after a week or two of on-line chatting. Nothing! A lot of bad things can come from it, which is why you need to avoid all contact.

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