October 1, 2017 at 12:57 pm #719614
My boyfriend and I have been friends since we were 13, and had feelings foe each other most of the time. Finally after years apart (I hadn’t moved) I visited and we kissed. But my family lived far, so we knew nothing could happen. Also, he had just ended a 3 year relationship and didn’t want to be in another one. Despite this, I moved to where he lived and we immediately moved in together. I had a dog that required a ton of care and attention. All this contributed to small fights popping up. We talked about moving halfway between our families but he realized he couldn’t (his dad has a health condition). Resentment built. I was going to lose my ability to move back to my family because I had been away so long (I was a permanent resident of Canada), so I had to move back to Canada for months to apply. As a result, I had to maintain unfulfilling jobs and essentially put my life goals on hold. It all added up to a really horrible recipe for a relationship to be based on. Now we are breaking up, but it is right when I feel completely at ease being away from my family, my dog died, and everything going is finally settling. I know that in more stable circumstances we are amazing together. We’ve never felt such a strong connection with anyone else, and are so attracted to each other. The problem was the fighting, and the fighting came from a number of situation issues that were never worked out. Now he is worn out and wants to be on his own, but I know that if we started again and took it slow we would be great. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?October 1, 2017 at 1:55 pm #719620
It’s not going to work. You say the issue was the fighting and that you were never able to work out the issues behind the fights. If you can’t communicate and problem solve together, it’s just not ever going to work. It sounds like he realizes this and you just keep moving and won’t let go. He told you he didn’t want to be in a relationship, so you took this as a signal to move to him? Then you immediately move in together. Then you fight. Then your resentment builds, because of all you’ve given up to move to him — something he apparently never wanted you to do. For some reason you’ve become fixated upon this one guy since age 13, but you have plenty of reason to know that he isn’t nearly as interested as you are, and won’t meet you halfway — either in where you live or anything else. Just MOA, go back to Canada, get on with your career and life, and find someone who is as interested in you as you are in him.October 2, 2017 at 11:15 am #719970
You may be confused, but that’s only because you aren’t really listening and are fixated on what you *want* to hear.
Such as: he told you he’d just gotten out of a 3yr relationship and he told you he didn’t want to get into another one. But you went ahead anyway and moved to where he lived and moved in with him.
And this: now he’s telling you he’s worn out and wants to be on his own. But hey, YOU just know that if you started at it again and took it slow, everything would be ducky.
There’s nothing to be confused about. Give him a break. It’s not all about you. Just because you care about someone doesn’t mean that it’s enough to make a relationship work.October 2, 2017 at 11:18 am #719971
I’d like you to think of how you’d look at a guy who talked that way about his girlfriend. He didn’t want to be in a relationship but you ignored him. You fight with him all the time but know that really you’re “amazing together.” He wants out but you know better than him and know that he’s really “so attracted” to you.October 2, 2017 at 12:36 pm #719996
He says he’s done. It takes two to make a relationship, two to want the relationship, two to build the relationship. You can’t make that happen by yourself. He isn’t interested. No matter what you want it isn’t happening. He’s not interested.October 2, 2017 at 12:40 pm #719997
If the two of you had fights over a dog needing care I can’t imagine how you would work out big problems. The dog problem was relatively minor. The two of you didn’t work well together. Maybe that’s because you never listened to him when he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Maybe because you moved without the two of you deciding that together. This was a matter of you chasing him and him not being that interested. This time around listen to him. You can’t force a relationship.October 2, 2017 at 1:45 pm #720002
He’s no longer your boyfriend. He doesn’t want to be with you anymore. What everyone has already said is correct. You could benefit from some reflection on why you were (and remain!) so hell-bent on disregarding what your ex says to you.October 2, 2017 at 2:01 pm #720006
Whenever I see posts or letters about people not feeling the same connection with others, I assume that it’s sort of a situation where you feel like you’re meant to be and this is your “big” love. The truth is, while these things show up on movies, that’s not really how life works. You may like someone a lot, but if you can’t be together without fighting, then it’s not going to work. You may see all these ways that you could have made things work, but in the end, when you two actually were in it and had the chance to make it work, you didn’t. It’s like Monday morning quarterbacking. It’s easy to come with ways to make it work now, but if it was that easy in practice, you wouldn’t be in this position.October 2, 2017 at 2:06 pm #720010
But if she ignored everything that HE said, why would there be any hope that she’s going to listen to what WE say? Especially when it sure sounds as though her life goals are to pursue a relationship with him, come hell or high water? Just asking…..October 2, 2017 at 3:52 pm #720023
Sometimes when you’ve been in a relationship for a really long time, all your effort is in keeping it together. So you’re not thinking about whether you SHOULD stay together. This is especially true when it’s your first serious relationship, and you’ve never had a major breakup before.
This relationship is as dead as the proverbial doornail. It sounds like it has been for a long time, and he’s just made it official. When someone says they don’t want to be with you anymore, it’s over. It doesn’t matter what you want, or if you think you’re still good together. When one of you is done, it’s over. You don’t try to twist their arm into staying – that’s disrespectful and selfish.
Take what lessons you can from what happened, keep the good memories, and get on with your life.