December 10, 2018 at 8:40 am #811574
Yeah, no one at work is a girl or a boy, unless they have a day off school and came into the office with mom or dad. Sometimes we have an 11-year-old girl at work, and she’s coding video games.December 10, 2018 at 8:41 am #811575
No ones asking her to go out for drinks.December 10, 2018 at 9:17 am #811580
“it grosses me out, it makes me uncomfortable. Tbh, im not sure if i wanna see her anymore.”
This made my jaw drop. You are seriously considering ending what sounds like a good thing solely because she socializes with co-workers who may or may not be interested in her sexually? Sure, there’s a chance one or more of those men would sleep with her given the chance, but if so, that’s their problem. That’s not her fault. She shouldn’t have to exclude herself from perfectly normal after-work events, and miss out on potentially career-enhancing networking opportunities, just because there’s an off-chance one of these men might find her attractive. If you want a woman who will never interact with any man who might take an interest in her, you’re going to be limited to dating only agoraphobes who never leave their homes.
Your discomfort here speak volumes about your own character. Just because it seems “obvious” to you that these men have “other interests” in their female coworkers doesn’t mean all men think that way. Therapy might help you deal with your strange, puritanical attitude towards women, and with the evidently low self-esteem that makes you feel like you should leave her before some man steals her away.
Or, just show her what you’ve written here. I guarantee she’ll be the one who feels grossed out and ends it.December 10, 2018 at 12:07 pm #811594
You are way to insecure and possessive. Seriously, the patriarchy should just get on about breathing its last breath and just let everyone lead their lives happily and to their full potential. You should MOA. You’re not at all good for this woman. I hate to think how possessive you would be if you and she were in a committed relationship. Almost 50 years ago I worked in a department which had departmental lunches a few times a year. All employees, except one very young woman, attended — her bf forbade her to go to any social event where men were present. She was viewed with pity and unfortunately a bit of derision. It took her about a year to tire of his dictates, but she did finally dump him. He was too immature to date. So are you.December 10, 2018 at 12:27 pm #811596
So first of all, if you two aren’t exclusive because “you don’t want to rush into things”, you don’t get a damn vote. She isn’t your girlfriend. I mean, even if she was your girlfriend your attitude is way out of line, but given that guys aren’t exclusive you don’t have ANY ground to stand on here in trying to tell her what she can and cannot do.
Okay – with that out of the way, what do you want her to do? Quit? Obviously that’s unreasonable. Never socialize with her male coworkers? That’s also unreasonable – progressing in your career means putting in face time and building soft relationships is critical, strictly doing the job and going home at the end of the day while everyone else goes out is going to hurt her career progression.
And frankly, if she’s 27 and an attractive woman, she’s not naive. I’m sure she knows if and when men are attracted to her, and that’s a line she has to walk in her professional life. She’s an adult woman that looks like she’s looked for quite some time, and has managed to manager her life, she’s not an idiot or a child, so stop treating her like she’s some naive teenager that literally just went through puberty and doesn’t understand she has boobs now. It’s patronizing, your assumption that she is naive and she can’t handle her own against men that might be attracted to her.
If she doesn’t want to sleep with these men (and likely she doesn’t) she won’t. She has agency, she’s an god damn adult. And frankly, in a me-to era hopefully those old dudes are smart enough to realize they should keep their creepy thoughts in their heads, and keep the happy hours strictly friendly and professional lest their be an HR incident.
You need to get over yourself. She’s an attractive woman. Men will be attracted to her regardless of whether she works or not, regardless of whether she socializes with coworkers (male or otherwise, old or otherwise), regardless of how she dresses or acts. She needs to live her damn life and get work done, she can’t control the world as it is. If you think that sucks and is unfair, well duh welcome to life as a woman in this world.December 10, 2018 at 12:29 pm #811597
Tbh, im not sure if i wanna see her anymore.
Good, don’t. Go find someone you can make a 1950’s housewife that you can keep locked inside away from prying male eyes. Let this woman be free.December 10, 2018 at 2:43 pm #811617
I think that a lot of men assume that other men see women the same way they do. Which in this case, does not really reflect well on you. You’re also pretty condescending about this woman.
Why are you even interested in her if you think she’s so stupid or manipulative or whatever things you think about her? Unless she’s actually cheating on you, her choice to socialize with coworkers is none of your business.December 10, 2018 at 2:51 pm #811621
As the one who always like to play devil’s advocate on here — I have to say I can totally see this LW’s point. You see… Oh, who am I kidding? This letter is really just 100% plain batshit fucking sexist and crazy!!!December 10, 2018 at 3:18 pm #811625
What’s with these “we aren’t official” guys getting their feelings hurt when their non-girlfriends go out and live their lives? There are so many wimps nowadays.December 10, 2018 at 3:21 pm #811627
Yeah, NorthernStar, the whole official but not official mindset baffles me too.December 10, 2018 at 4:11 pm #811637
Though with this letter, even if they were dating — I would think the LW is a bit off. Coworkers can and do go out platonically for lunch or even a drink and a show. You do NOT own the person you date. Or even marry. Many men (and women!) should seeiously get a clue about this…December 10, 2018 at 5:49 pm #811649
@northernstar, @bgm, perhaps kids think it is not ‘officially cheating’ if they are not ‘official’.