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Relationship depression

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  • #850480 Reply
    avatarBecki
    Guest

    I was dating a guy for six months. We had strong feelings for each other and such a good time together – i felt like I connected with him in a way I hadn’t done before. The affection he showed towards me at time was what I’d always hoped for. The relationship came to an end when he couldn’t fully commit to me due to ‘not being where he wanted to be in his life’ including his job and home life. It also came to an abrupt end as I discovered him still to be using dating apps even though we had agreed we were progressing towards a relationship.

    We spent 4 months not talking. I removed him from my life in every possible way but he sent the occasional message to me saying how much he missed me but that the situation was pretty much the same with the fear of commitment. It wasn’t easy for me as I did and still do have very strong feelings for him. I tried to date people during the break but not with much success as for example one time I went home crying because it was him I had spend the evening with.

    Recently (about a month ago) we agreed to meet. The rush of emotions automatically came back for me but with a touch of insecurity as I was concerned the same thing would happen again. I have openly admitted that I have put too much pressure on the situation in the desire for us to be back on track where we were before – which if I’m being honest is unrealistic.

    We have had a few arguments on and off as I think I have gone in with a higher expectation than before as we already have a bond. Today we had a big blow out where he has made the decision to cool things off for now. This is a hard pill for me to swallow as I have only illustrated to him all the worth I can bring to his life. He has said himself that I would be his ideal girlfriend and the perfect match for him but whilst he is still not in the position in his own life he can’t commit to progressing with me.

    I’ve listened to all the aspects of his life that he doesn’t think are working and I’ve said I understand where he is coming from but I am just trying to do good by him. I’ve come to a semi conclusion that I think he might be depressed. He has a habit of seeing the worst in every single situation and can be easily angered. As soon as anything goes the slightest bit wrong he cuts it off completely. He has told me the last person he wants to fall out with is myself, yet he has pushed me away without much understanding of what role I play in his life. I’m feeling very confused and lost as I do feel sympathy for him and what he is currently going through but I am unsure of how to be there for him if he isn’t willing to let me play a role in his life? Do I continue to act like a friend and support him because at this time I do think he needs the support? Or do I completely step away and carry on with my life knowing he hasn’t got much of a support network?

    I care about him a huge amount but am at lost to understand what role I play in his life. I’m not sure how much I can pour into him without hurting myself.

    He needs support, but am I the right person to give it to him?

    #850483 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Okay, you are telling yourself a bunch of lies that are dangerous to your own well-being.

    When a guy tells you after months of dating that he can’t commit to you, *believe him.* Don’t be there for him and try to fix him, or prove your value to him, just delete and block him and move on.

    Why ever did you agree to meet him and give it another go, when nothing had changed?

    “Recently (about a month ago) we agreed to meet. The rush of emotions automatically came back for me but with a touch of insecurity as I was concerned the same thing would happen again.” Well, yeah. Did he tell you things had changed?

    Now you’re telling yourself he’s got mental health problems you can fix if you stick around, and that in the process he’ll suddenly realize your value and he’ll commit. But that’s not what’s happening here or is going to happen. You’ll just be torturing yourself.

    The only right thing to do is to tell him this isn’t going to work for you and block him and move on. You don’t stick around and try to be the perfect girlfriend to a guy who doesn’t want to be your boyfriend

    “I have openly admitted that I have put too much pressure on the situation in the desire for us to be back on track where we were before – which if I’m being honest is unrealistic.” Where you were before is, you thought things were great but he was still using dating apps. It’s actually completely realistic that you’d get right back to where you were before.

    “We have had a few arguments on and off as I think I have gone in with a higher expectation than before as we already have a bond.” Again, why did you have any expectations?

    #850485 Reply
    avatarAndrea Letsen
    Participant

    It sounds like you are being used for an ego boost as and when it suits him.

    He is aware how you feel about him, refuses to commit, but happily keeps you in toe which is ‘great for him but sucks for you’ – that’s a direct quote from the film The Holiday, which features a story line of a woman going through something very similar to what you describe.

    It sounds like you don’t want to stick around for who he is, but rather who you want him to be. Unfortunately, he is not that person and never will be.

    You are not the right person to offer him support. You should do as Kate has already said – block and move on. You said yourself he is still on dating apps – you have no idea how many women he might be doing this to. If he is not prepared to be in a relationship, why is looking for one on dating apps?

    Do what he can’t do for you – respect yourself, and move on to better things.

    #850486 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    “He has said himself that I would be his ideal girlfriend and the perfect match for him but whilst he is still not in the position in his own life he can’t commit to progressing with me.”

    This is a thing that he he is saying to avoid hurting your feelings. You are not his ideal girlfriend and he doesn’t want to be with you.

    #850487 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    “The relationship came to an end when he couldn’t fully commit to me due to ‘not being where he wanted to be in his life’ including his job and home life. It also came to an abrupt end as I discovered him still to be using dating apps even though we had agreed we were progressing towards a relationship”

    I mean, unless I am misreading, it sound like you guys were not actually exclusive and had told you as much.

    #850488 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    He’s already given you all the information you need. He doesn’t want to commit to you. It doesn’t matter the reason. If you want to be used, along with any other woman he meets on an app, then stick around. If you want a committed relationship block him and start looking for one.

    #850489 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Fyodor NAILED it. This guy is trying to be nice and to let you down gently… “it’s NOT you, it’s HIM. Blah blah blah.”
    .
    Sadly, he is unintentionally giving you false hope. You need to MOA. You very well may be his ideal gf — on paper. But he is simply NOT feeling it somehow.

    #850491 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    You are trying so hard to believe his lies and try to make this work. He’s not worth any more of your time. He told you everything you needed to know about his feelings for you when he was still on dating apps and making up excuses for why he can’t fully commit to you. He should be honest with you but he isn’t. He’s trying to walk away as the nice guy, probably to keep you on the back burner while he dates other women. He’s not ever going to commit to you. I’m sorry. I’m sure it hurts, but it’s better to save your dignity and block him rather than try to convince him of your worth, etc. If he was the guy for you, he’d know your worth. He wouldn’t have to be convinced. This guy is not worth it. Block him and move on.

    #850492 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    And I mean, not only are you buying into his lies, you’re making up more of your own lies and believing those too.

    Somewhere out there is a guy who will think you’re the best thing that ever happened to him and will want to be your boyfriend and you’ll be into him too, but you’ll never meet and appreciate him while you’re deluding and depressing yourself with this guy who doesn’t want you.

    #850494 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    I don’t see how this is some sort of lie. He keeps telling her he can’t commit to her. NEWSFLASH: He can’t.

    #850495 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, true, though he’s making excuses about his life not being where he wants it to be, implying that at some time in the future he could commit. But I agree, it’s more that she’s making up stuff for herself to believe.

    #850499 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    “I can’t commit to you” is true but the added “because I’m not where I wanted to be in my life” is a bs excuse that leaves hope that he’ll get his shit in order, and implies she could wait for that to happen. He’s trying to let her down easy, but in a kind of crappy way. He probably has no intention of getting to the place in his life where he would commit to her. Because he just doesn’t like her all that much. Enough to spend time with, enough to get physical with, but not enough to be monogamous with.

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