Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Relationship depression

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This topic contains 33 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar MP 3 weeks, 6 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 34 total)
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  • #850501 Reply
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    ron

    He won’t commit to you, he gets angry easily, he drops things and people when things start to go a little wrong, he might be depressed, you aren’t even together and you are fighting again…. sounds like a match made in heaven. Even if he agreed to commit, if he married you a week from now, you’d have signed up for an awful life with an easy-to-anger guy who will spark lots of fights, cheat on you, and leave you as a single mom.

    #850507 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I think you need to focus a little bit more on yourself and what you need instead of always focusing on what he needs. You shouldn’t be dating someone solely because you think they need your support or you feel bad for them. He certainly may be depressed, but I feel like you’re using this unofficial diagnosis to give you a reason why you “should” stick around. Decide what to do with your relationship based on how it makes YOU feel and how it affects YOUR life.

    In this relationship, nobody is looking out for you, but two people are looking out for him.

    #850514 Reply
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    FYI

    In terms of what “role” to play in his life, please know that emotional caretaker (i.e., mommy) is not sexy. Or fun.

    #850526 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    I agree with Kate and with Fyodor – he’s telling you the truth and you are telling yourself lies. This guy is phrasing things in a way that sounds like if he got his act together then he’ll totally want to commit. but he does nothing to get his act together. You are telling yourself lies that if you are just good enough, sexy enough, kind enough, whatever enough then he’ll see how wonderful you are and THEN he’ll commit to you.

    No, you’ve done enough. You put yourself out there. You treated him well, but you want more than he’s going to give you (not more than he’s capable of giving you – more than he’s willing to give you) and for your own peace of mind, it’s time for you to walk away and block him permanently. He’ll keep coming back as long as you let him.

    #850532 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I really don’t think that that is on him. He told her explicitly that he couldn’t commit or even progress with her. He never told her that he had any timeline for being better or being in a relationship. He asked specifically to cool down. His representation to her that he wasn’t emotionally ready to be in a relationship sounds entirely accurate.

    Telling her that she’s great but he’s not able to give her what she wants is within normal bounds of breakup white lies. The idea that he’s manipulating her somehow is not fair. This is on her.

    #850533 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Right, it’s a lesson to learn, that what someone says as to *why*, it doesn’t really matter. If they tell you they can’t commit to you, you need to move on. If there’s any chance that they might someday be ready, it’s not going to happen while you stick around and give your all to them with nothing in return, and try to fix them. In the unlikely event that they’d have a change of heart, it’ll be because they miss you, and in that case they need to explain to you exactly what’s changed, how things will be different, and also state plainly that they ARE now ready to commit.

    Asking an ex to meet up means jack shit. I’ve done that a bunch of times in the past, and all you do is sort of rehash your issues, then end up back where you were – unable to make it work.

    #850534 Reply
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    Fyodor

    “You treated him well, but you want more than he’s going to give you (not more than he’s capable of giving you – more than he’s willing to give you)”

    Who knows what he’s capable of giving? Maybe he’s not in a place for a relationship. He doesn’t owe it to her to self actualize on any schedule.

    #850535 Reply
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    Fyodor

    She doesn’t say that he was the one that asked to meet up.

    #850536 Reply

    He comes off as manipulative because he pushes her away, and then asks to meet up. He isn’t being totally honest. They had agreed to progress into a relationship, he was still on dating apps. Yes, she should take him at his word- that’s he’s not ready to commit but he should be more honest and stop hitting her up. He knows she wants a relationship. He knows he doesn’t. He’s giving a laundry list of reasons to keep her interested. He likes the attention. If he didn’t, he’d stop contacting her.

    #850537 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I don’t think it matters if he suggested the meetup or not. Even if she did, why did he agree to it if nothing changed? Why did she suggest it if he didn’t indicate anything had changed? Maybe he implied there was something to discuss.

    #850538 Reply

    Considering he is the person controlling every aspect of this relationship, I have a feeling he did ask to meet up.

    #850539 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Given that she is the one pursuing the relationship, I don’t see any reason to think that he did it. Also, given how she has spun every vaguely ambiguous thing that he’s said, it would be odd for her to omit it.

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