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Relationship depression

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This topic contains 33 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar MP 3 weeks, 6 days ago.

Viewing 10 posts - 25 through 34 (of 34 total)
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  • #850540 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Sure, but he can and should just say no, that’s not a good idea, nothing has changed. Why agree to take time out of his day to physically meet up?

    #850541 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    @fyodor – I used that phrasing because she keeps saying how good she is to him, and how much she cares. And that is “if I just give more – he/she will see how great I am and stop making me miserable”. Which is yet another lie she’s telling herself.

    I agree we don’t know what he’s capable of. We also know that it’s not enough for the OP. She can’t love him into giving her more. So it’s time to accept that he’s making the choice to give what he’s giving and no amount of love on her side is going to magically change him. I think @Dino said it right: two people are looking out for him – no one is looking out for her.

    #850542 Reply

    He’s pursuing, too. He messages her to tell her he misses her. He stays in contact knowing he doesn’t want a relationship. Even if she was the one who initiated the meetup- he agreed. He’s sending mixed signals.

    #850543 Reply
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    Fyodor

    “. I removed him from my life in every possible way but he sent the occasional message to me saying how much he missed me but that the situation was pretty much the same with the fear of commitment”

    He said that he missed her, but even so was extremely explicit about what he could offer. At no point did he give her any misleading impressions that a committed relationship was possible

    #850544 Reply
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    ron

    He has been 100% explicit. He is interested in casual sex with LW. If she wants more than that, then he has zero interest. This is very unlikely to ever change. LW says she removed him from her life in every possible way, but if she didn’t block contact from him, then this isn’t actually true. Since she responded to his contact, it absolutely isn’t true. She is caught up in the dream that she can somehow change his mind about wanting a serious committed relationship with her. She can’t. She will be one of those unhappy women who write back wondering why, after all the time they spent together and how great she was to him, he married another woman 6 months later. Then it will eventually dawn on her, he was always willing to commit to someone he regarded as the right woman for him, he just wasn’t wiling to commit to HER.

    #850545 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    He kind of did though, by saying he’s not at a point in his life/job to commit (yet).

    #850546 Reply

    Yes, he is giving the impression that it *could* happen.

    She is caught up in the fantasy that it will one day work out, but he is helping that along, too. Just as soon as he gets his life in order, she’d be the ideal candidate, right?

    #850551 Reply
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    ron

    Kate — Those things may keep him from being in a position in life to get married in the next year. They certainly don’t prevent him from committing to a monogamous relationship. What I took from LW is that he is unwilling to commit to that.

    He is putting forth just enough effort to keep her on a string. Yes, he leaves that ray of hope, but if he said what he said to a realistic/eyes fully open gf, she’d instantly know that there was no hope. LW is locked into a dream and she isn’t going to find a positive committed relationship until she locks away that dream that this guy is going to change how he feels about her. This is not about his stage in life. It is that he thinks committing to her would be settling.

    #850552 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah Ron, I mean *I* know it’s bullshit, as an uninvolved third party. Fyodor is saying the guy has been completely honest and straightforward with the LW, but he really hasn’t, and continues to send mixed messages by texting and meeting up with her. Yeah, she needs to wake up and get it, but he could also do better.

    #850553 Reply
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    MP

    Ah, sounds like my dating life from my early to mid 20’s. I’m really sorry LW but this isn’t about timing or his life stage, it’s about you. He just doesn’t feel that strongly about you and that’s why he won’t commit (he does like you just enough to text you to get validation from time to time though). I know it’s trite but if a man wants to be with you, he will make it known. Don’t waste years of your life like old me did chasing men that are ambivalent towards you!

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