Relationship finances advice

Home / Forums / Advice & Chat / Relationship finances advice

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 35 total)
  • Author
  • Bridget
    April 15, 2022 at 2:36 pm #1104082

    My boyfriend and I are talking about moving in together, we currently both live with our parents (we’re in our 20s, me early 20s, him late 20s). We’re initially only talking about a 6-month lease somewhere because of our jobs, school, all of that type of stuff and where each is located, so we’ll live together for 6 months, get used to each other on that level, and then for about 2 or 3 months go back to living with our respective parents and then schedule wise we’ll be able to find somewhere more permanent live together after that. Not the ideal situation but it’s the best we’ve got at the moment. So anyways, on to my question.

    My boyfriend is going to wind up having his name on the lease because of his credit score and this and that, but he wants me to give him 3 months of rent once we find a place because he wants to pay the 6 months of rent all at once in the beginning. Financially I’ll be able to pay that 3 months upfront, and there’s nothing that’s he’s done financially or otherwise that’s made me doubtful of his trustworthiness, but the way he keeps saying “oh and you’ll give me 3 months of rent so I can pay it upfront? I want to pay it front” whenever we’re discussing this.. I don’t know, there’s something that seems off to me gut wise. And then I’m like, “well why can’t we just do a 1 or 2 month deposit depending and pay month to month?” but he goes, no no he’d rather pay it all at once. Is this a common thing? I don’t really know / have experience with this seeing I’m 21 and again, living at home. But does this seem like a reasonable thing that people normally do? Pay 6 months of rent upfront? My spidey senses are tingling and I feel like something’s up and it’s making me uncomfortable like I shouldn’t give him the 3 months of rent. But if that’s really a thing people do and sounds normal… well then I’m relieved and it’s all good haha. So any advice would be great!

    April 15, 2022 at 4:01 pm #1104085


    only if the landlord requires ( like in a summer resort town???)

    also seems like an odd plan, trial move in with an end date.

    why does he still live with his parents in his late 20’s

    April 15, 2022 at 4:11 pm #1104086

    No, that’s not normal. They might require first and last months’ rent down (2 months), or they might not. I can’t think of any reason to pay all 6 months up front, and it’s better to have the money in your pocket and pay month to month.

    Do you think he needs a big chunk of money for something?? Like a debt or to buy something he wants? I know someone who pre-pays his rent because he has a gambling problem and would gamble the money otherwise. That’s probably not it, but trust your gut… he’s not being honest with you. Or do you think he doesn’t trust you for some reason to pay the rent each month? Are you unreliable?

    Something’s going on. Tell him you will pay him the rent each month on time but you don’t feel comfortable pre-paying that much.

    April 15, 2022 at 4:14 pm #1104087

    Another reason not to pay it all up front is what if something goes wrong in the apartment, like there are bugs or something breaks. The landlord wouldn’t have a sense of urgency to fix it if everything is pre-paid. It’s just not financially wise and I’d stick to your guns and not do it. Ask him WHY, and pay attention to his reaction.

    April 15, 2022 at 4:48 pm #1104088

    Even without the matter of him asking for all that money upfront, uprooting everything for just 6 months before going back to live with your respective parents is nuts. Moving house is expensive and there’s always hidden costs you may not have budgeted for.

    April 15, 2022 at 5:05 pm #1104089

    Okay, good, I’m glad to know that I wasn’t crazy for having this gut feeling that something was off with that. As far as me possibly being unreliable, any time I’ve said I’d pay for something I have.. I had some job issues recently but got a new one and I’m stable financially again, but either way he never had to bail me out / I never owed him anything. So that can’t be it. Unless he has issues from a past relationship with that? But I don’t think he does.

    And I know it seems crazy to up root everything for 6 months and then go back to where we are now, but we’ll only be doing that for a couple months and then we’ll find somewhere more permanent. Because of our schedules and whatnot this will allow us to spend more time with each other sooner rather than extending that “I want to get more serious with you but I’ve never lived with you so let’s try that out” stage even further.

    Anyways, so I’ll really pay attention when it comes up again, as to what his reaction is and his reasoning. It’s just a whole lot of money and like you’re all saying that’s not even a normal thing and doesn’t make sense!

    Oh and as far as I know he’s not a gambler or owes a lot of money. He could be a secret gambler I guess? haha. And he does share a lot about his finances with me, but of course, if he was hiding something I would never know. But as far as I know that’s not a thing? But ugh. This is just super weird. And out of character too, because it’s not like I have other red flags about things like this or just in general.

    And he still lives at home because there’s illnesses and things like that and he’s extra support. Not essential support, he can move out, but seeing as though he didn’t have someone he was serious about moving in with it just made more sense financially. Apparently.

    April 15, 2022 at 6:04 pm #1104091

    I agree this is really, really strange. Like, as a tenant it makes no sense at all to pay upfront unless you’re getting some sweet deal, but then you’d have to question why they need an incentive like that to compel someone to want to rent from them. Meaning, no. It makes no sense. For all the reasons described above.

    And even if he did have issues from a past relationship with money, that’s no reason to take his issues out on you.

    How long have you been dating? Just curious.

    But it honestly does not make sense to move into a six month lease together-under only his name, to then move back home “for a few months to find a more permanent space.” Why don’t you just keep dating until you’re both mature enough to know for sure you want to live together? Like, start with the more permanent lease. Or do the six months and in that six months, find a better place. It is stressful, time consuming and expensive to move, depending on what you’re moving. I just can’t wrap my head around this logic.

    If you can afford to pay him three months rent, could you afford to live alone, or with a roommate? That is honestly a better idea.

    He sounds strange.

    April 15, 2022 at 6:07 pm #1104092

    Also, let me tell you that after being on this earth for 38 1/2 years as a woman, TRUST YOUR GUT. It is truly remarkable the things it tells us sometimes.

    You know something is off. It’s instinctual. That’s a good thing that you have that. Listen to it.

    Ask him why he wants to do that whole upfront thing and point out the issues, see what he says. Point out the risks you’d be taking and how you’re not even on the lease.

    You seem smart. Don’t be taken advantage of.

    April 15, 2022 at 7:09 pm #1104094

    It seems a little sus that he’s saying he lives at home due to illnesses, but can move out whenever he wants. He can’t be needed badly at home, so what’s he really doing there, you know? What’s keeping him from having an independent life? If he’s living there because he likes company or whatever, okay, but his explanation to you doesn’t seem completely honest. In conjunction with this weird thing about paying the whole lease up front, it makes you wonder what’s up with him.

    April 15, 2022 at 11:11 pm #1104098

    I think he is scamming you. If just his name is on the lease, then you can only live there with his permission. There is zero reason for your name not to be on the lease. Credit doesn’t matter if you’re paying the full cost up front.

    You have so little info in your letter, I have to ask: have you ever been to his parents’ house; how far apart are your parents’; how many days have the two of you actually spent physically together in the same place; how long have you been dating?

    April 16, 2022 at 5:45 am #1108655

    We’ve been officially dating since November, and been friends with that will they won’t they thing for maybe a couple years prior to that? Actually more like a year and a half prior. Parents are a half hour from each other (if you’re speeding). Aside from shorter periods of time, we’ve probably spent a month or two’s worth of full days/nights together throughout this time.

    So I need to make sure my name is on the lease as a minimum. And yeah, still have to see what’s up and why he thinks we have to do this

    April 16, 2022 at 10:23 am #1108671

    Latest update: so I brought it up and he at first said again that he thought paying it in one lump sum was easier. I said what if something needs to be fixed, the landlord won’t feel motivated to do anything about it? And he said well that’s fine we don’t have to but that it didn’t matter because I would still be paying him in one lump sum. I said that why would I be doing that then? That I can just pay him month by month if it’s month by month. And he said yeah but this would be easier. I asked how so. He said because it would be easier for me and he wouldn’t have to ask me every month for money because that’s awkward. And what if I wound up using all of the money I set aside? I said obviously it was set aside and I wouldn’t, and that he wouldn’t have to ask me every month I would just give it to him every month, I’m not a child. He then asked why this makes me feel so uncomfortable and why I’m know saying I want my name to be on the lease. I said because what happens if three months in we breakup or something and then he owes me money? I said obvvvvviously he would pay me back, but it would give me a peace of mind knowing that that wasn’t even a thing. He then brought up how when we went on a two week vacation that I didn’t even offer to pay for the hotel. And I was like, well yeah I was inbetween jobs at the time and you knew that, and we discussed how I couldn’t pay for anything but he still wanted to, and prior to the trip we had both discussed that I would pay for $700 worth of food or expenses while we were there. The hotel for the two weeks was $1400 by the way. And I wound up spending about $900 in food total (also paid for random things he wanted like cigarettes etc). He did spend on food as well during that time. Anyways we discussed that all in advance and it turned out how we discussed so I don’t know what his problem is? But now he’s saying that it makes him uncomfortable having to ask me for money. Again- I have a job yet again and I’m making a decent amount where everything we’re discussing is feasible and things will definitely be even stevens. And now he’s saying oh did we talk about it? He thought we didn’t and that I had just ghosted paying and that he just doesn’t want to have to chase me for cash each month.

    So now I’m like, okay… was that really it? He forgot multiple conversations we had (this is possible he’s spacey), and he’s just worried I won’t pay up? That I’m not trust worthy financially? Or is this more of a thing and he’s trying to screw me out of money or there’s something up? Again, he really hasn’t done anything in the past to make me doubt him in any way, but this whole things seems off and I don’t want to be taken advantage of, even though I don’t think he would screw me over.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 35 total)
Reply To:

Relationship finances advice

Your information: