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Relationship with sperm donor

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This topic contains 34 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ana Quiroz 5 days, 20 hours ago.

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  • #851907 Reply
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    Anon1

    I recently lost my unborn baby 4 months along, and split from her dad when he suggested I terminate the pregnancy. I’m mentally and financially stable to be a single parent, so when I lost her I decided to go down the donor route to try for another baby instead of building another relationship. I met with the donor (just for a drink) after texting everyday for a while, and I already felt like there might be something more there. After we met he confirmed it by voicing everything I’d been thinking. We just really connected, had a lot in common, and found eachother very attractive. We kept it professional and arranged for a donation, but the entire time we’ve been talking it’s like excitement to see him completely separate from the excitement of trying to get pregnant. We met for the donation and it was just instant, we talked for hours, ordered a takeaway and he ended up staying the night. It just felt right, like we’d known eachother for years. Now he wants us to date and see if anything comes from it, and hopes to be a proper father to the baby. I will always keep the door open, but is dating him going to complicate things? If it goes wrong, surely the worst is that I never see him again, which was the original plan anyway. And if he wanted shared custody that’s fine by me, it’s his child too. He has only donated to a couple of women, years ago, and is a single man with his own home, successful career etc. He didn’t do this with the previous women and I’m not being naïve, I just want to do what is best for the baby and myself. Any advice is appreciated

    #851909 Reply
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    ron

    It sounds like you don’t really want a sperm donor.

    #851914 Reply

    I am so sorry you lost your baby.

    But I don’t think this is a good idea

    Does a live human infant that you will be solely responsible for for 18 years complicate things? Yes, absolutely! Does making a baby with a man you just met complicate things? All the reasons at the end…honey, that’s just what he’s told you. Don’t believe everything you’re told. You need time to truly know someone’s character to be in a solid relationship. Dating is low stakes. Dating with kids is higher. And dating your donor is risky. You don’t know him. You say you’re not being naive, but I think dating your donor is a very bad idea. Don’t date him unless you postpone your donor plan. Seriously, do not go that route. I’m not a traditionalist, but in this instance I think you should date before you become pregnant.

    You wanted single parenthood. If he’s the father, he’ll be named on the birth certificate and have rights to the child. You say you’re fine with that. What exactly aren’t you fine with? You had a solid plan and this one guy you just met is going to derail all of that? You don’t know him.

    Are you seeing a counselor or grief group? Are you sure he’s not scamming you? I love rom coms just as much as the next person but this sets off my scam alarm.

    #851915 Reply
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    Anon1

    Thanks for the reply. I’ve had bereavement counselling and thought of every possible scenario since losing my baby. I am happy to co-parent, I just am capable of doing it alone. I’ve always wanted any child of mine to have a father, but with a donor at least the baby isn’t just born through a failed relationship/unwilling dad. I’ve come to know quite a lot of his background and have seen proof of his previous experience, his family and home life, his job, references, and ID proving he is who he says. If we met in different circumstances it would be great. My need for motherhood is more important than a relationship, I suppose I just have this “what if” feeling

    #851917 Reply

    Just don’t “what if?” with a tiny human. If you want to date him, go for it. But I don’t think it’s smart to make any sort of lifelong commitment to anyone you just met. His resume and google results, etc are not him. He might be a great guy, but take some time and find out. He might not be a great guy, but very charming. He might be great, but still not for you. You don’t know him. You just met him.

    You said you met and talked for hours, and now he wants to date. How could you truly know about his family, background, previous experience (in what, being a donor?)

    #851918 Reply
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    FYI

    What does this even mean —
    I met with the donor (just for a drink) after texting everyday for a while…

    No sperm donor agency does this. None. Where did you find this person? Is this a private thing just between the two of you and was sex how the “donation” was done? That’s what it sounds like, which is all kinds of messed up, honey. Fill in these details, because if you are advertising on your own for a sperm donor, and not going through a legit agency, then you are really setting yourself — and your child — up for a lot of problems.

    #851919 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    This letter REALLY reads FAKE to me. I agree. No legit donation agency would go for this.

    #851920 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    You know what he told you, and what you found on Google. You only know him in the most superficial way, and your emotions are running away with your common sense and creating a fantasy idea of this guy in your head. Which, ok, has happened to most of us at one time or another.

    The problem here is that a baby is involved. I don’t know much about sperm donations, but I believe that donors sign away any parental rights? DO NOT PROCEED with this man unless he has signed that paperwork and you have a copy of it in your possession. Otherwise, you might find yourself co-parenting with a nut case for the rest of your life.

    Seriously, the fact that he’s talking about retaining his parental rights (“being a proper father”) and co-parenting with a woman he’s just met rings all kinds of alarm bells. He sounds unstable to me. At the very least, you have no idea what kind of father he’d be. You could be inflicting a terrible parent on your child.

    If you’re 100% certain that he’s signed away his parental rights and you want to try dating him, no harm, no foul. But if he’s not willing to do that…find another sperm donor.

    #851921 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Oh, jesus, I didn’t catch that. WTF, did you find this guy on craigslist or something? No. No. No. Go through a legit agency.

    #851924 Reply
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    Anon1

    I’m in the UK, we don’t have agencies. It’s either private donors through paid membership sites or pay 1000s to go through the clinic with anonymous donor. It’s illegal to charge for sperm too, so there is no money involved. I didn’t find anything on Google, I requested certain info in his presence so there was no time to fabricate anything, I have full details of his family and other women, along with photo evidence. The donation was kept professional, He stated from day one he was open to co-parent but was donor-only in the past. He seems very genuine, but I wanted an outside opinion incase I was in fact letting my emotions cloud my judgement. I appreciate everyone’s responses thankyou

    #851925 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    He sounds… unhinged. Seriously.

    #851926 Reply
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    Ange

    My curiosity got the better of me and I looked up sperm donation in the UK. It’s wild! Men put up photos and info, it’s like a dating site. Of course I have no idea what the process is in Australia but man I can see complications arising from such a method, especially since donations made outside of a clinic may still land both parties on the hook for shared custody and child support etc.

    I think if you don’t want any of this going sour OP either pick one or the other, a date or a dad. If you date and the guy ends up being awful at least you’re not connected to him forever through a child, if you never date you can remain blissfully ignorant while raising the kid. Of course the third option is you take kids off the table and date for a while, it ends up being amazing and THEN you have a kid. Any way you go I think you need to have clear delineation between the options so you don’t royally screw yourself.

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