Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Relationship with sperm donor

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This topic contains 34 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ana Quiroz 5 days, 19 hours ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 35 total)
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  • #851933 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    To be honest, this sounds crazy. You just had a tragic loss of a baby, and a painful breakup.

    This guy sounds bananas, I’m sorry. Talking about being a father to the baby (are you pregnant btw?) at this stage rings a lot of alarm bells. I feel like at the very least he’s gotten carried away with some savior fantasy (which you’re buying into) or he’s just super unstable. You also can’t know that he didn’t say exactly this same stuff to his previous receivers.

    I repeat, it is *crazy* to meet someone twice and start talking about co-parenting their child. He’s caught up in something. The truth is you have no idea who he really is and how he’d be in a relationship. You’re getting way ahead of yourself, and not thinking about what’s best for your hypothetical child, frankly.

    If ANYTHING, you both need to take this co-parenting stuff off the table and just date slowly and cautiously like normal people.

    #851935 Reply
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    Anon1

    I am thinking of what is best for my child by seeking advice and thinking of every outcome. I have not started dating the guy, and everything is still professional regarding him being a donor with an open door for contact should he want it, but not expected. But if we were to date then he’d want more of a role, e.g. them to know he’s their dad, his parents to know their grandchild. He was a no contact donor with the others and they were in same sex relationships, he just gets updates now and then. Dating him would be a huge risk and one I wouldn’t take lightly, but if it came down to choosing him or having a child, he loses. Yes my loss was devastating, but my break up wasn’t. Thanks for your messages

    #851937 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Ok, this right here is bonkers, and should be setting off your alarm bells:

    “But if we were to date then he’d want more of a role, e.g. them to know he’s their dad, his parents to know their grandchild.”

    No! That’s not normal! He’s met you twice and messaged with you. Neither of you really know each other. You would date in order to GET to know each other. He has no idea whether a dating relationship would work out between you two, and he’s already making plans to have an active role in the child’s life. That’s really really off and doesn’t make sense. He’s being motivated by something other than real romantic interest in you, and I don’t think you’re seeing it because your emotions were so damaged by your loss. This guy is bad news, I am telling you that right now. At the LEAST he’s moving way too fast and will crash and burn out on you. At worst he’s nuts and will be permanently entangled in your and your child’s lives.

    You should be worried.

    #851941 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    How many thousands are we talking to go to a clinic with anonymous donors? If I was serious about raising a child on my own, I would seriously consider that route. This other route you’re taking sounds way too emotionally taxing and completely unprofessional of the “donor.”

    ETA: And of course he didn’t seek a relationship with the same sex couples he donated to! Since your single and desperate for a baby, you’re an easy target.

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 1 hour ago by avatar ktfran.
    #851943 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    So, wait – you don’t have a lawyer? No legal agreement? You just talk to the guy, and if he sounds like a good dad on paper, you have sex until you get pregnant?

    I didn’t think it was possible to be this naive.

    #851944 Reply

    He met you to become your donor. Of course he has all the info and background you would want to see. That doesn’t mean his story, or his pictures are legitimate! I really think you should block him and go see a grief counselor for a longer period of time.

    This sounds like a scam. If you want your own biological child so badly, do it anonymously. He wants parental rights, his parents to know your kid, etc. This makes him not a viable donor for you. It’s super messed up that your meeting got so unprofessional and off track. There’s a lot of red flags here. Be smart and cautious and do not choose him as a donor.

    #851945 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    What kind of guy would put himself out there for an arrangement like this where it’s not anonymous and there aren’t legal protections and he comes over to the women’s home to impregnate them?? Think about the decent, upstanding men you know. Would any of them do this? If you just need cash and want to keep it transactional and clean with everyone protected, you go through an agency.

    #851949 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    And what if you met a guy on a dating site, and on the first date (after the initial quick meeting), he started saying he saw a future with you and wanted a relationship? That’s a huge red flag. And imagine you shared with him that you were in the early stages of pregnancy, and he started talking about being a father to your kid? WTF.

    #851950 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    None of this is normal. Seriously, this is all such a bad idea. If you feel such a connection, get back on birth control until you figure out if this person is worth your time, let alone a uterine deposit. Unless you’re over 35 one year of birth control is in your best interest.

    #851952 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster
    #851955 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Your donor sounds like a guy who isn’t actually wanting to be a donor. He’s wanting to be a dad and sees this as his opportunity.

    How old are you and hold old is he?

    If you are young you can wait a while to get pregnant. No need to rush. If you are closing in on 40 I understand that it might be now or never.

    I’d be hesitant to bring a guy into my family this way. Why hasn’t he been able to have a baby with a woman in a more traditional way. If he is so amazingly nice why hasn’t he been able to have a long term relationship that included a family? It indicates that there is a problem with him that prevents his being able to form a long term bond and family. Especially consider that there is a problem if he is in his late 30s or early 40s.

    Incredibly charming people are often narcissistic or sociopathic. It’s one of those traits that sets them apart. The only way to know if he is a really nice normal guy or narcissistic/sociopathic is to date him for some years. Could he be on a manic high? People can come up with grandiose plans while on a manic high and not see any red flags.

    You’ve met a couple of times and both of you are talking about raising a baby together, yet you don’t actually know each other except in the most superficial way. Time to either put the brakes on a baby and take your time getting to know him or put the brakes on a relationship and keep it purely professional. I’d personally reconsider getting pregnant with a guy with this many red flags.

    #851960 Reply
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    Anon1

    Thanks all, I came here for honest advice and you did not disappoint. It’s what I needed to hear and sometimes it takes a complete outside opinion to knock some sense into you. I am aware it seems soon to have another baby but they will never replace my little girl. But dating wasn’t on my mind when I chose the donor route and I need to stick to my plan – raising a baby by myself. For the record I have not slept with this man, he is an AI donor, and is happy to stay that way. He didn’t push me to accept dating him, simply said it would be nice to see if it became anything and then we could discuss co-parenting. He hasn’t suggested playing happy families. Clearly there is just too much at risk and I would rather leave it at a point where I see him as a kind man offering to help, rather than end up emotionally damaged from letting the situation get out of control in the near future. Thanks again

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