Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Relationship with sperm donor

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This topic contains 34 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ana Quiroz 5 days, 20 hours ago.

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  • #851963 Reply

    He’s not a kind man offering to help. He has pushed playing “happy family” with you. It’s bizarre either of you would even talk about that. He’s a strange man asking for more and showing you many warning signs. There never should have been texting for days.
    If it’s a business transaction, stick to business.

    I really hope you continue to see a grief counselor and spend some time alone before you try to get pregnant or date. You choose bad men. You seem very naive and vulnerable, and there are many people who look for vulnerable people to take advantage of. What if he has some undiagnosed mental illness? You truly don’t know him. Please be more cautious, more thoughtful and take time before you make rash decisions. Rushing into lifelong commitments is never a good idea. There is no harm in taking some time.

    #851964 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    If you decide to go through with this using this person as your sperm donor, I hope to god you get a good lawyer and sign a binding contract. Otherwise, yikes.

    #851977 Reply
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    Ana Quiroz

    Honestly, this entire thing seems like a disaster waiting to happen. Whenever there are big losses and I hear a woman use phrases like ‘my need for X’ it’s red flag. You should not have a kid with this guy, especially if there is a romantic grey area. choose another person to procreate with and keep it anonymous. it’s been four months since you’ve lost a child, left a relationship, chose this path and have now started to have these feelings. I have condiments in my fridge that are older. Please take a breath and slow down.

    #851978 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Honestly? I think you need to hold off. You need to properly grieve more. NEWSFLASH: You seem to be foolishly RUSHING into having a kid. Exhibit A: Your bizarre interactions with this total whack job of a donor makes me fearful and concerned you are simply NOT AT ALL thinking rationally. Far from it.
    .
    But of course, I suspect, you already are pregnant. Yikes.

    #851981 Reply
    avatar
    FYI

    “everything is still professional regarding him being a donor with an open door for contact should he want it… ”

    You said he stayed the night with you! And this was the “donation” night, whatever that means. That is the opposite of professional.

    #851984 Reply
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    Anon1

    It has not been 4 months since I lost my child for a start, I was 4 months pregnant. I have not stated the time it happened. Secondly, why is it acceptable for married couples to try for another baby anytime they like after a loss, but I’m expected to wait years because I’m not in a relationship? I don’t think so. I am grieving in the absolute correct way, I asked for advice regarding a donor, I don’t know why a stranger thinks they can tell me anything regarding my child, how I grieve and when I should try again. I have already agreed with previous posts and will not be pursuing a relationship with this man. Whether I am pregnant, or plan to be, by this donor or another, is irrelevant to my post and personal to me. I do not need advice on becoming a mother, and I already got the advice I sought after.

    #851986 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    This has nothing to do with you being single.
    .
    Instead, it has everything to do with you being quite irrational. You say/claim you want to be a single parent and yet you quickly latched onto this crazy fantasy/dream that this random Donor Guy was suddenly morphing into Mr. Ideal & Oh So Wonderful. Sorry. But you need a wake up call. None of that is at all rational. To the contrary, it reads to EVERYBODY here — frankly — a bit unhinged.
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    PS — If you can’t afford a few thousand pounds to go about this is a more legit way, then you probably can’t truly afford to be a single parent either.

    #851987 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    PS — Strangers are telling you these things, because YOU asked.

    #851989 Reply

    No one suggests it’s okay for a married couple to try again right after a miscarriage. Every person I know who has had a miscarriage has been told to wait 6-18 months before trying again. It’s not just the fact that you need to grieve, it’s also that your body needs to heal.

    You aren’t thinking rationally. That’s why we’re all begging you to slow down. You can’t be a good parent if you’re not in a good mental headspace. Everything gets more complicated, stressful and risky with a child. It’s not something you should ever rush into. Nothing is lost by being cautious and giving it a little time.

    #851990 Reply
    avatar
    ron

    Some of the posts explain that private, non-anonymous sperm donors are more common in Britain than they are here in the U.S. I agree with Bittergaymark that the comments have nothing to do with your being single. They have to do with what strikes us as a confusion in your thoughts as to whether you sought a sperm donor, or a sperm donor who would take a future interest in his child, or a sperm donor who would take a future interest in both you and your child, and be seeking a relationship with you. The latter two are unusual here, except, although not uncommon among lesbian partners who turned to a friend for donor sperm — even that exception is likely less today.

    The former American stigma against single motherhood is almost dead; it is totally dead with regard to self-supporting single moms.

    What stood out to me and to, I think a lot of the posters, is that you seemed to be expressing an interest in a romantic relationship with the sperm donor. It seems to me that if that is the case, that you should wait on sperm donation from this guy until you know whether or not you are interested in a serious relationship with him and then get his sperm the old-fashioned way.

    I do see the interest in getting to know more about the sperm donor than his age, height, weight, and level of education. Aspects of personality are inherited and those characteristics are undoubtedly important to you, so you want to get a better idea of the donors personality and world view (also recent theories that things like attachment to authoritarian figures has a genetic component). All that, plus a desire to determine if what he says about himself is true and he hasn’t added 3 inches to his height while subtracting 40 pounds, can be an argument for meeting in person and having a face-to-face conversation. Your future interest in getting to know him seemed to go dangerously far beyond that. I won’t go so far as to say the guy seems creepy, we seem to be reacting to different national styles in sperm donation.

    Here, sperm donation originated primarily with infertile couples and anonymity was seen as a huge plus. It took legislative action, and personal DNA tests, to strip away this anonymity in recent years. Your approach is kind of foreign to what we grew up with.

    #851992 Reply
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    Ana Quiroz

    LW – I am sorry if you feel I attacked you in my comment. I was raised by a single mom and have absolutely nothing but respect for them. My concern was not the fact that you are single, but I did have concerns about your relationship with the donor. I did mis-read the timeframe, but it still seems chaotic and rushed.

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