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Rude inlaws

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  • #878549 Reply
    avatarWFH26
    Guest

    My partner’s family, parents in particular have shown how little they care about me during this whole pandemic.

    We’re not close and never have been, but I have always made the effort with them to speak and ask about them when my partner speaks to them.

    During this whole lockdown situation, his parents have called him many times and not once have they asked about me or how I am doing.
    My parents always ask about my partner and how he is doing, and they really care about him.
    It hurts me that they don’t seem to care about me.

    Anyone else been in a similar position?
    I have mentioned it to my partner a couple of times but he thinks nothing of it and says that they do sometimes ask about me.

    #878558 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    It’s quite possible that they actually don’t care about you. You need to learn to ignore them. It is like expecting Trump to care about you or anyone other than himself — never going to happen, so don’t wish and hope it will. Your husband needs to maintain a relationship with them. You can just happily step aside and assign this task to them. They simply have an extremely narrow circle of caring. Some people do; there problem, not yours, unless you let it get to you. They are not actively harming you, so why let it get to you. Their not caring about you isn’t going to harm your marriage, unless you grant it permission to harm your marriage.

    #878561 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, honestly, the solution to this minor irritation is to stop caring whether your partner’s parents care about you. Stop paying attention.

    And yes, I’m in a similar position except my MIL doesn’t ask how either of us are doing. She’s laser focused on an item she believes her friend stole from her that she wants back. She’s in a mental and emotional decline, and isn’t thinking about anyone else. It sucks, but we can’t do anything about that.

    #878562 Reply

    They do ask about you. He told you that. Often on times of panic, people forget their social graces. They may assume your happy and healthy unless he says otherwise.

    #878563 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Are you on the phonecalls? Lurking around just listening? I mean — How do you know whether they ask about you or not?

    I don’t know. This whole letter reads looking-for-drama to me. But not everybody’s parents are exactly the same in how they express their emotions. The fact that your boyfriend’s parents aren’t carbon copies of your in their behavior doesn’t mean they don’t like you.

    #878564 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    This is really not worth the emotional energy you’re spending on it. You can’t bean-count feelings. Your husband says they *do* ask about you. Why do you insist they don’t? Are you listening in and keeping track of how many times they ask about you compared to how many times your parents ask about him? Maybe he mentions you in the course of his calls, so they don’t feel the need to ask.

    Seriously, you need to let this go. It’s an unhealthy way of thinking.

    #878565 Reply
    avatarWFH26
    Guest

    Thanks for the responses so far they are appreciated.

    I can assure you I am not “looking for drama”. I could easily start a big drama over this with my partner and his parents but I wouldn’t do that, I am not that kind of person.

    It’s just something that bothers me hence why I came here for advice to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.

    Most times when he receives the calls I’m sat with him or in the same room, so I know that they don’t ask about me. But I suppose there are times I am not there and they do ask about me, who knows. I don’t lurk.

    Ideally I would like to have a perfect relationship with them, and I often compare them to my own parents which I should probably stop doing.

    Thanks anyway everyone for your responses

    #878566 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    Doesn’t your husband talk about you to them? Like when he’s giving updates, wouldn’t he naturally give them some info about you? Maybe they’re taking their cues from him.

    My partner’s parents pretend I don’t exist when they talk to him. In their culture, they’re being polite. I’m fine with that. Some people hit the jackpot with in-laws, but if you’re close with your own folks, it would be near-impossible to recreate that bond with people you meet as an adult anyway.

    #878567 Reply
    avatarWFH26
    Guest

    @MaltaKano thank you for that.

    My partner doesn’t really mention me from what I’ve heard unless it’s something significant. Which for me is not normal, but to him and his family probably is.

    But you’re right, I am so close with my parents and they are so welcoming to mine and my siblings’ other halves, that it often irritates me when my partner’s parents can come across so ignorant. I’ve put up with it for 5 years now so I can live with it, just wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation and how it affects them.

    Thank you!

    #878568 Reply

    Stop comparing his parents to yours and finding fault with them. They aren’t the same people, with the same lives, the same circumstances, the same relationships that shaped their own. How is what they are doing ignorant?

    “Ideally I’d like the perfect relationship with them…” what does that look like to you? Have you established and put effort into building a relationship with them? Do you call them?

    All I’m seeing is you judging them, finding fault and wishing they’d act like your parents.

    #878569 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    How do they treat you when you are around them though? You — frankly — are very hostile towards them on here. Exhibit A: Calling them “ignorant” for the grave sin of not asking about you as often as you deem necessary is frankly a bit much and — yes, rather drama seeking.

    #878573 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    Different families have wildly different ideas about closeness and connection. My partner’s family makes what I consider bizarre choices when it comes to family time. They have a whole code of what you do and don’t talk about (mostly don’t) that would be nuts in my family. But somehow, they produced this person who connects well with me! And they take care of each other when one is in need, no questions asked, which I respect.

    It’s a loss if you like family bonds and were hoping for more closeness. But I’d just focus on feeing grateful for your own family. Also, don’t impose assumptions that your family’s way of doing things is necessarily the best or only way to do them. However your husband’s family is different, they produced the person you love and were successful in that way.

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