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Screaming match with husband

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  • This topic has 9 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by avatarMarie.
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  • #878073 Reply

    I’ve been up all night, feeling sick to my stomach and not being able to calm myself down so I could sleep after a huge fight with my husband of almost one month. It seems everything I say is to start a fight with him and today I was so depressed and tired that I only woke up to eat and then tried to go to bed early in the evening (since I am on call for work at 3 AM- yes, I still work during the pandemic). Two weeks ago he finally got the courage to confess to me that he might have a STI, as there were some strange growths on his area and he freaked out. I was shocked and I didn’t even know what to say and the only thing I said was that I will book a doctor’s appointment to check myself. We have been intimate 2 times since so our intimate life really sucks these days. And in the mean time I got checked and received a phone call from the doctor telling me that the tests were negative. But for two weeks there was a lot of tension building up. And I could see it too, he would talk to everyone around but not me, discuss anything but avoid discussing with me unless it was something he could contradict me on. He is cold and distant and doesn’t show any affection towards me anymore. Tonight he snapped because of a remark I made, because earlier in the day he asked me “what’s wrong with you dude?” So before getting into bed I made myself a cup of tea and asked him: “Would you like one as well, dude?” My tone was calm and I smiled when I said that as a joke, but he just started screaming at me saying that I hate him, and then when I told him to stop and wanted to call my parents so I can get out of the situation he proceeded to call my parents first and started screaming at my mother that he’s had enough and the poor woman didn’t even know what hit her. I overheard him screaming things about me that were purely made up to my parents who were obviously shocked. We’ve had fights before, and I remember this summer when I discovered that he still had contact with an ex who he actually talked in a very bad manner about to me a few more times than seemed necessary. I was so upset even more so because when I confronted him he lied to me and said that he didn’t, but when I showed him proof he said that he didn’t think it was a big deal that I know because it wasn’t anything romantic between them since they broke up. And I got so upset then that I told him I need to think things through, he kept calling me and texting me, begging me to respond and at least listen to whatever he still wanted to tell me and I told him to at least give me some time but he threatened to kill himself so I answered and he calmed down, thanking me saying that I saved his life… and then I just didn’t know if I wanted to pursue things with him anymore, but we’ve had good memories together and a trip coming up so he eventually pursued me into agreeing to continue things. We didn’t fight like that (I mean we’ve had some disagreements that I don’t think were ever resolved and he seems to form his opinions that are always against me and tbh kind of a character assassination towards me) since the beginning of March, around when I found out about the STI issue. We went out for a friend’s bday and then decided to go out dancing (we like doing that together at least that what I thought because we used to) and at some point he just got super cranky and wouldn’t want to dance anymore and he didn’t like the place nor the music and so I said, alright let’s get an Uber and head home then. And that’s where it started, that I always pick on him, and I do so every time we have a drink or two and I’m just sitting there, scratching my head, because I didn’t want to stay out when he wasn’t having fun- we are 30 anyway so we don’t even go out as much anymore (5-6 times a year). But he would not stop telling me that I’ve lost my mind and I do every time I drink. He is making me look like an angry drunk and alcoholic. Like I have problems and I don’t know why he would say that about someone he married. I guess he wants out and from previous relationships that he’s had, he has always ended them on bad terms. I found out super late about this. Now I’m not perfect, but I am not someone who will start screaming fights, and I have successfully resolved issues and misunderstandings with people before but he doesn’t seem to want to fix things and has mostly never discussed anything before but just let things pass and feel better kinda. Anyway tonight was really bad, my parents tried to end the call with him and then called me to see how I’m doing. My father is a very strict European style guy who has always criticized his children and has always pointed the mistakes I made but never my accomplishments and so I discussed with them and my mother tends to understand me mostly because she raised me but I had to explain myself to my father of course it’s worthless as usual because he will always think we are scum (my brother and I) and I had to tell them my side of these private matters. My brain is scrambled and I am so broken right now I don’t know if I am making much sense.
    But I feel like I can’t continue after this. Right before my husband went to bed tonight cause he seems to not care so much about this, he threatened that he will tell my parents what an awful child they raised. He threatened that he would leave and I said that the door is open because there’s no coming back from this one. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this but it is very awful to hear someone you trusted and thought loved you say the worst things about you in a very hurtful manner and some of those things aren’t even true. I also told him that he has lost his mind, that he is really a lunatic and I wish I knew it sooner.
    Would you have any advice on how to ease the next few days? He will have to fly to a different city to go back home and it’s difficult right now so I’m not sure how I should proceed if he is unsuccessful in finding a flight. He has been looking for hours and I didn’t for a second kick him out (the house is on my name) but he is kind of desperate to get out of here.

    #878077 Reply

    Stay away from him as much as possible. Contact a lawyer as soon as you can after this pandemic. Stop mocking him, stop instigating fights. Avoid fighting.

    #878084 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    Hopefully he will be successful in getting out of the city and leaving you alone. If not, definitely stay away from him as much as you can and, like anonymousse said, see a lawyer when this is over. And also a therapist (which you can actually find now, online). Good luck.

    #878088 Reply

    I would really appreciate if anyone could refer me to a website for a therapist. Thank you in advance

    #878092 Reply

    Google. There are apps that will connect you. My insurance company had links to video chat with doctors and therapists.

    #878120 Reply

    LW – your state bar should have a reference number for a family law attorney. Google (your state) state bar. They should have attorneys for all different incomes. You can also go you your county courthouse website, they should a family law reference page that will have forms that you can download. A lot of people also look for a restraining order if they are feeling physically threatened, if this applies to you please look at FAPA orders.

    #878143 Reply

    I just went on Orbitz and it is so cheap to fly and everything is open. When he’s home, like right now – open the computer and book a flight to his hometown. Show him you are doing it It’s so cheap you pay for it yourself. You need to be rid of this guy. If he gives some “we can work this out” just say no. Stop feeling sorry for this guy. Motels and hotels are open. Get a restraining order if possible and change the locks.

    #878181 Reply

    Psychology Today’s website is a pretty good resource for finding psychologists in your area. The link is for the US but it looks like they also support a number of other countries as well.

    And like anonymousse mentioned I think insurance companies frequently have lists of doctors and mental health practitioners that are in-network with them and in your area.

    #878367 Reply

    I second the Psychology Today recommendation – I refer patients and their families to it all the time. And not to make a diagnosis without knowing you, but you may want to speak with the therapist about your relationship with your father and how it may influence your taste in men (always critical of you, thinks you are “scum” and now you are married to a man who screams at you, gaslights you, calls your parents (!) and screams at them).

    Also, if anyone ever threatens to kill themselves because you won’t talk to them, date them, etc., walk away and do not look back. Call 911 if you are concerned they might actually harm themselves, but do not give in to this emotionally abusive manipulation.

    #878515 Reply

    Change the locks on YOUR house while he is gone. Pack his stuff and have it shipped to his next address. Sorry, but this sort of abuse and simmering below the surface violence only escalates. Do not be in a house alone with him. I don’t know your city or locale, but in these times first responders are stretched thin. Protect yourself. Until he does leave do your best to not engage. Your situation sounds very unsafe to me. All prayers and blessings to you.

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