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Sexless long-term relationship and how we got there :/

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  • This topic has 6 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 day ago by avatargolfer.gal.
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  • #914297 Reply
    avatarMia
    Guest

    Okay, me and my Bf have been together for 12 yrs. No kids, no marriage, just awesome lvl of friendship, understanding, conversations. I had no previous relationships, and somehow from the first time we’ve had sex (and my ‘first time’) I always wanted to be a great lover for him, focused on what I understood as “his pleasure”, always inconspicuously trying to control the situation, thinking too much. I liked it, but I felt I have to do this, show him my best, and of course, thats not the point of having sex. He on the other hand, few years older, experienced and confident- wanted me to have orgasm, pleasure. He tried to go down on me, yet I told him I do not want that since in my stupid vision of sex, thats the work man do not like! Yeah, bravo me. I explained it does not turn me on, as well as fingering, and also kinda tried to fake orgasms. Well, despite those problems I did make him happy, I got what I wanted. Kids, read that, ff sake. As long as I think about that, I have an impression that got to me from movies, from porn, from sexchats, from womans magazines. I don’t know exactly what formed me that way but I know some other woman that had the same exact mindset. And well it extremely spoiled the sexual side of my relationship. Here’s how: I started to feel like sex is kind of a stressfull job. Having climax is mainly in brain and I kept staying focused on unnecessar stuff, later on I just had a problem with focusing on my pleasure anyhow, though I started to actually try to do it. I never talked about it, avoided it, lied. Started lying I have a “headache”, need to go to the bathroom (where i hided for a while trying to relive some anxiety), or simply told him i’d rather do sth else than sex. I felt pain, after sex wasn’t sth new and became stressful,as my body was not in the mood even after long foreplay, because my mind just wasn’t into it. And I told him it hurts, many times, so we stopped, everytime. And slowly I ruined his sexlife as well. He felt he can’t make me happy, and he really wanted to, and he hurts me, and that I avoid it and spoil every occasion. And it really badly affected his confidence, also turned him to porn in higher than usuall amount. Belive me or not, feel free to call me an idiot. I wasn’t understanding this whole process I describe You now. Understood what happened there after years… After many conversations. After many experiments. After he just couldn’t really have sex with me anymore. What holds us together is that we love each other and have great time together in every single aspect but sex. We currently moved apart and have an open relationship, and we had an open relationship before (but I was the one to mainly use it and it helped me to realize my erotic fantasies and understand better my own body). We try to heal that sexual part and I declared I want him to meet with other girls to regain his confidence, which, being done in recent past, actually works. I sometimes wonder how much time we have to waste on this, as I’m almost 30 and wanting children and to settle. We’ll we be ever ‘normal’ couple who enjoys having sex together? We will end this relationship if not, as we see it as an important part of life. And it gets me worried as it seems as being on a broken boat trying to avoid sinking with cups, but eventually, it will. But I really hope otherwise. I also hope sharing my story will help somebody avoid my mistakes and please, give me advice, especially if You ever experienced any kind of similarity to my own. Cheers and sorry for bad english.

    #914477 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    It sounds like you’re doing everything right – you’re doing the hard work and breaking typical conventions by having an open relationship. I think you would do well to dispense the notion of a “normal” couple. There isn’t really such a thing in general, and for you, being “normal” would have doomed the relationship long ago.

    At “almost thirty” there is still a good deal of time to have kids if that’s something you want.

    Even if you can’t repair the sexual component of your relationship, can you imagine being in a companionate marriage? If so, that’s certainly an option for you, if you’re both ok having your sexual needs met by others.

    #914622 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    You need to seek therapy. Your reaction to sex indicates that you can’t fix this situation by yourself, which is something you’ve been trying to do for 12 years. “inconspicuously trying to control the situation” and being 100% intent on pleasing him — these are things for a therapist to unpack.

    You can’t solve any problem with the same mind-set that created the problem. (Albert Einstein said that.) You really need an outside, professional perspective. You can’t strategize your way out of this one.

    #915648 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Have you been honest with him about what happened? Because you should, if you haven’t yet.

    And therapy is a great idea.

    #916881 Reply
    avatarMia
    Guest

    @bloodymediocrity well the problem is i really only want sex with him, noone else. And it hurts me I can’t have it. Makes me miserable. So I’d rather break up and try to fall in love with someone else, have clean account, than forever miss that. Its been 3 years since my last time, but hooking up with somebody else just doesn’t feel right anymore to me. And staying in such relation can be unbearably frustrating.

    @FYI
    Well we’ve been to therapies, together as pair and solo at different sexuologists, yet best therapy for us were sincere conversations. My Bf was told on his therapy, he should just leave me, and I only met one sexuologist that actually felt like she really want to and can help us, but it was a couples counselling and I found out some things my Bf said there were not true (in order not to hurt my feelings). I got mad and we never came back there…And since 4 years my approach to sex is not an issue anymore but I didn’t even had the chance to physically show him that, as there is a huge wall between us in that matter.
    @anonymousse Yes I explained it to him as fast as I realised how it worked. We openly talk about such matters.

    #917053 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    To me, it really sounds like you should move on. Sometimes you cannot work through something and both get over it. Do you want to be in a sexless relationship? It’s been three years, right?

    You messed up, but you learned some valuable relationship lessons and sometimes the best slate is a clean one.

    #918330 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    I agree it’s time to break up. If sex has been painful for years, to the point you avoid it at all costs but you hope to have it again, it’s time to get a full work up by your OB/Gyn and start seeing a therapist to address the anxiety and other issues likely contributing to the pain. Not a sex therapist, a regular old therapist. And get a complete physical exam, bloodwork etc to rule out any physical causes.

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