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Dear Wendy

Sexting and infidelity

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  • #1093556 Reply
    Aks
    Guest

    Married for 4 years, no kids. I am having vaginismus, a condition which doesn’t allow sex. I got to know about this after marriage only. Partner lost interest in me as I couldn’t provide sex. I asked him so many times if he is okay in such a marriage, he said he is. But recently I caught him sexting with other women. He doesn’t know that I know. I understand he is in sexless marriage but does it qualify for sexting especially when I had several times made clear that it is not at all acceptable to me if he gets inclined to other women. He says he loves me, but doesn’t care about me and also is not available emotionally and mentally. He has said several times that he loves me and if I ask what about sex part, he jokingly says he will go to other women to which I have always clarified that it won’t be acceptable to me. What should I do?

    #1093560 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    There’s only one thing to do, and that’s leave him. He flat out told you he doesn’t care about you, can’t be there for you, and will go to other women for sex. You know he means that because he’s already doing it. Dump his ass.

    And for the future… Does vaginismus really mean no sex? Or sex is difficult and painful but can be accommodated? And are there other ways you can be intimate without p-in-v intercourse? Please talk to a professional about that, don’t just decide you can’t have physical intimacy. That’s not going to work for many people, but your husband sounds like a lost cause anyway.

    #1093562 Reply
    Aks
    Guest

    He didn’t say that he doesn’t care for me. He says he loves me but I feel that he doesn’t care about me.
    We are seeking professional regarding this but I feel like I am alone in the process. It doesn’t interest him. He doesn’t want to get intimate with me. Says I am responsible since I couldn’t provide sex.

    #1093565 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Oh ok, he says he loves you but ACTS like he doesn’t care about you. His actions are what matters. And therapy only works if both partners are committed to it.

    What are you looking for here? A way to make him care? A way to make him be happy without sex?

    #1093567 Reply
    Aks
    Guest

    Should I confront him regarding his sexting chats? I want a happy marriage, a normal marriage where both the partners confide in each other, with mutual love, respect and care. I don’t want to be with someone who is sexually fulfilling his pleasures with other women. I know it’s rather selfish since I myself can’t give him such pleasures. But is a relationship so superficial that without such pleasures we can’t survive. If having vaginismus means I have to tolerate his inclinations towards other women, I don’t want to be in such a relationship. I love him and I want to be with him but not at this cost.
    If I confront him that I know about his sextings with other women, he may not talk about this, or may drift further apart or may tell me to divorce him or worse, give me only the authority to decide future course of action. I don’t know how will he react and how will I be able to control the whole situation. I did wrong in the part that I stealingly learned about his chats with other women.
    Please advice. I am breaking here.
    Thank you for communicating. I have really no body with whom I can discuss this.

    #1093568 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, you should tell him what you saw, and that you can’t tolerate that, and what does he have to say about it? If it’s anything but “I am so sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking, how can I earn back your trust?” then you need to leave.

    #1093569 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    And tell him you checked his phone because he said he was going to get with other women, and that made you suspicious.

    #1093570 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    I’m confused by all of this. Why can’t you have OTHER kinds of sexual intimacy? Are you open to that?

    You’re going to see a professional together, and yet you feel like he’s not in on the process? He’s going to the professional with you, right?

    In my opinion, it is not “superficial” to want sex in a marriage. That is not fair to say that to your spouse, especially when he only discovered sex was off the table after you got married. If you have refused any kind of sex — I can’t tell from what you wrote — then I can see where HE would be having a very difficult time after four years.

    A lot is missing here.

    #1093571 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    I’d be pretty checked out “emotionally and mentally” if someone I just married took all sex off the table and said that I couldn’t go elsewhere for it either. Actually, I would just divorce, but …

    Not clear what’s happening here.

    #1093572 Reply
    Aks
    Guest

    Dear FYI,
    1.A lot cannot be described in few lines here. It’s four years journey that I need to summarize here.
    2. He is not open to other kinds of intimacy. He doesn’t feel attracted to me physically, he said.
    3. He is going to doctor with me after he was pressurised for kids by his family and after pleading for 5 months, he finally agreed to go to gynecologist for conception by artificial means to have a baby. He half heartedly listens to what doctor says, after therapy says how foolish the doctor was talking, try to avoid the exercises (homework) given to us by the doctor. He is just behind conceiving by any artificial means not in resolving the underlying problem.
    4. I tried for sex, but with the condition that I am having, it was impossible. I talked to him several times regarding our sexless marriage and its impact on him, but he says let it be. And turn into joke by laughing and saying – will go to other women then.
    5. Wanting sex is not superficial. But knowing my illness and knowing that I love him and tried several times but couldn’t do, is sexting justified?
    6. He says he loves me and wants to be with me.
    So according to you, if there is no sex there is no relationship, no connection ( either emotionally or mentally), and you are allowed to cheat ( physically or emotionally). Thanks for letting me know there is this kind of thought process also.

    #1093573 Reply
    Aks
    Guest

    Dear Kate,
    Thanks a lot. I am obliged.

    #1093574 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    You guys should absolutely not bring kids into this marriage.

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