March 4, 2018 at 5:27 am #741573
Hello, first time posting here, I really could use some advice, I am overthinking this… My situation goes like this:
I had this friend, we were very good friends for 2 years. We saw each other every month, we talked online, we went together to little trips, we felt close.
Then, all of a sudden, in october I asked her to see each other. And she told.me then that we will not see each other in the near future, that she wants to stay with her family (although I saw on fb that she went with people and her fiance out to town). I asked her if she was upset with me, her answer was a simple no. Period. Then in november I wished her happy bday and she said thank you, and before she would always use informal language, throw kisses at me etc. I said okkk, maybe I am misinterpreting. After a couple.of weeks, I asked her again what she got for her bday, we talked a.little and then nothing from her part for a month, no likes on fb like she used to, although she would be present on fb and comment and like on other people. So in December I told her how I felt and she told.me that she doesn’t want to force herself to write to me, but for 2 years she wrote without problems and would initiate. She said that she doesn’t know how to keep a friendship and that I did nothing wrong, she just doesn’t know. I felt coldness from her part, because before she was involved and I felt she cared. Now it was, I don’t know what you are talking about, I did nothing kind of feel. So she left me talking by myself on whatsapp.
Since then, she avoided seeing a common friend that returned to the country, because we were.in a group..and today, she sent me an invitation to her wedding. And I was like “you are coming back after pushing away from me as if nothing happened” and be all serene and think it is normal what you did? We talked a little.and I told.her I felt hurt because we didn’t drift apart naturally, it was her wish to stop seeing me and talking to me. And her reply was “ok, if you want to come etc etc”. Like as if she just doesn’t care about what I told her, as if she was a stranger and not a very good friend.
I don’t know, I always just doubt myself and my way of thinking 🙁 but I know that what she did was cruel, saying that she doesn’t want to see me and then comimg back as if “why are you saying this, it was nothing” attitude. I don’t recognize her. And even if she is a scorpio, I didn’t think she would do this, I thought that maybe she would tell me “I don’t want to be friends, I don’t resonate with you anymore”. But she doesn’t even explain to me at least to let me know her side. She just replies with a sentence and that’s it. I don’t want to go to her wedding, I don’t feel I can trust her anymore, after the friendship we had, I can’t ignore how I feel and just be “ok, you don’t care about it like you used to, I’m fine.with that”. I really need your input, is it wrong to feel I just don’t want to be friends with her after this? Cause she makes it seem like she hasn’t done anything bad and I just wish we weren’t that close before. I wouldn’t have these hesitations nowMarch 4, 2018 at 7:44 am #741579
It sounds to me like the friendship fizzled for her. Not that she dislikes you but you became very low on her priority list. That happens. Life gets busy and people make choices. Send your regrets about the wedding and a card if you feel like it then move on.March 4, 2018 at 8:10 am #741581
It isn’t wrong to feel the way you do. It is pretty standard to feel upset when a friend dumps you and you have no idea why. There is no reason that you need to go to her wedding.March 4, 2018 at 10:59 am #741611
I would interpret it as her putting new boundaries in place because the friendship no longer feels intuitive and natural for her. I had a friend I distanced myself from. It wasn’t because the friend had “wronged” me in any way.
A wedding invitation is fairly labor-intensive for the guest. It involves choosing an outfit, finding a date, buying a gift, writing a card, and setting aside an entire afternoon/evening.
My guess is she is sending you an invite because she likes you, or perhaps she recognizes what a good friend you once were to her. Maybe its because you still have friends in common. In any event, she just doesn’t feel as close with you. You are a friend who she may catch up with on occasion or around holidays, but you are unlikely to ever be a regular every-month, all-the-time-online, friend, especially since she is getting married.
People can disappear sometimes when big life events happen, but you are unlikely to have the level of closeness you once shared if she isn’t motivated to keep that space open for close friendships. Personally, I wouldn’t be interested in attending a wedding of an acquaintance. I might send a card if I genuinely liked them and enjoyed their company. But I wouldn’t out of a sense of formality. I think you can just decline. You don’t owe her any more over-thinking, she isn’t interested in reciprocation.March 4, 2018 at 11:13 am #741612
I understand that you may feel to distance yourself from somebody, but don’t act as if you didn’t.know what you were doing or that the other person doesn’t have feelings. She said she didn’t k ow she hurt me and that it was a mistake that she sent me the invitation. So it’s clear that she doesn’t want to talk about it, I guess I have to accept the fact that I will not get an answer from her. I just don’t understand how can she be like this, when she knows I am sensitive and she said that she knows I am trying to find a reason or a mistake I did, but I didn’t do anything. Well if you know this affects me ,how can you be so indifferent towards me? This is what hurts maybe more than the actual distancing. And I never expected that from her, since we were so honest with each other and she would communicate everything. And now she doesn’t say anything.March 4, 2018 at 11:56 am #741614
I think you’re misinterpreting the wedding invite as her trying to come back and be your friend again like nothing happened. I don’t think that’s what it is. I think some people just invite everyone to their wedding because they want a lot of people there. So any friends or acquaintances get an invitation. I don’t think to her the invitation means anything. You have your answer in her behavior – she is very casual about the friendship you two have/had, and doesn’t feel like keeping it going. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, and I don’t think there’s a point in trying to get an explanation from her. Some friendships are temporary. They come and go. I can tell that it hurts a lot, but I think if you accept that the friendship has simply run its course, you can move on. I probably wouldn’t bother going to her wedding unless you actually want to and think it will be a good time.March 4, 2018 at 12:01 pm #741616
No, I know she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, because if she wanted, she would have said something in reply to what I told her. I just was baffled that you invited me as nothing happened. If you are going to rule me out of your life, at least just leave me alone for good, it’s like an ex that appears to stirr the waters. Like you don’t want me in your life anymore, why would you want me at your wedding. If it’s that casual for you, sorry, I don’t want that kind of friendship, where not considering how someone feels means nothing to you. That is what bothered me. Don’t expect me to want to see you again either, if that was your wish, stick to it.March 4, 2018 at 12:03 pm #741617
As hard as it is to hear, she wants distance and she is trying to avoid drama. She is not responsible for your feelings; expecting others to behave a certain way, do specific things is immature. The only thing she is responsible for is not being rude. She doesn’t owe you an explanation. Don’t hash and rehash w your friends, they are going to get frustrated and bored. Talk to a therapist or just move on.
This has happened to me too. It sucks but youn can’t make people explain themselves, you just have to deal with your own stuff.March 4, 2018 at 12:10 pm #741619
She didn’t say she never wants to see you again. Sending you an invitation is no effort on her part. She invited you to be polite, or because you have mutual friends, or to fill up the venue, or because she likes you but doesn’t want to put in the effort to keep the long-distance friendship going. I don’t see sending you an invitation being incongruous with her other behavior.March 4, 2018 at 12:20 pm #741622
So you are telling me that if you had a very good friend who was communicative and sensitive, cut you off and say to you you won’t be seeing each other and that they don’t feel like writing to you like they used to do for 2 years, wihout giving you any reasons as to why, just that this how she feels like doing, cutting you off cause why not. And then coming back after a few months with a wedding invitation after hurting your feelings, you would consider that as normal?? Like ok, you do whatever you want with me, I will pretend nothing happened and encourage you do the same.March 4, 2018 at 12:23 pm #741624
…kind of? I’d be annoyed, but yeah.March 4, 2018 at 1:59 pm #741625
“I just don’t understand how can she be like this, when she knows I am sensitive and she said that she knows I am trying to find a reason or a mistake I did, but I didn’t do anything.”
“Well if you know this affects me ,how can you be so indifferent towards me?”
It sounds like you have expectations for your friendships that she doesn’t meet. You should decline the invitation. You know she didn’t send it as an invitation to hash out why she doesn’t want to hang out the same way, anymore.
As for judging her for sending the invitation, that is up to you. I don’t view it as her doing something wrong to you. You don’t have to be friends with someone on their terms if you find those terms insulting.
Maybe you still feel rejected? Even if you were amazing friends, you don’t need to see her distance as a personal judgment about you as a person. I’ll bet it has much more to do with her own time and space limits than it does with you not offering a very valuable friendship in general.