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Dear Wendy

She used me for years, should I get her in trouble for it?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice She used me for years, should I get her in trouble for it?

This topic contains 25 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by meadowphoenix meadowphoenix 2 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #789423 Reply
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    Writewrong

    I graduated college long ago. Years ago I had met this woman who I fell very hard for. We hung out a lot, talked a lot about having feelings for each other. She had said she was too messed up from a previous relationship to get close at that moment, and she was just starting up college again and so wanted to focus on that. I told her how I was disappointed but understood, and we still hung out a lot. She started getting closer to me. Then I was doing things for her all of the time, because she asked for a lot of help with many things and I wanted to make her happy. She eagerly accepted, and then asked for more. Buying her food, bringing her dinner, bringing her to expensive shows, buying her expensive toys. The biggest part was how she always asked me to do her homework. Like everything else, she asked and I did without complaint. Many many papers and tests later, I did start to complain, telling her I was starting to feel used, and that I was feeling like a fool for living my life for her when she didn’t want to start a relationship with me, and that I felt like she was getting herself into a hole by ignoring school lessons and letting me do everything. She got VERY MAD that I even dared accuse her of using me, stopped talking to me for a few days. Then we made up but she insisted that she had feelings for me and was just waiting for school to be done.

    So she got halfway done with school, got the hardest classes out of the way early, and then texted me to let me know that she “just realised” she actually has no feelings for me and she’s only got love for one other person who she is now dating and has been dating for several months, (months during which time she had been begging me to do yet another entire research paper for her even though I am working much more overtime myself lately). So she was just blatantly using me the entire time and especially so these last few months. Part of me wants to inform the university that she has completed almost zero work on her own during her time there. Would that be wrong? Usually I’d be okay with knowing that she can’t possibly do her own homework from this point and she’s probably going to end up in academic trouble from it. But I am honestly afraid she might just find some other gullible pawn to keep up her ruse. For what it’s worth, I can’t discuss this dilemma with her but I had tried; she insisted on keeping her betrayal to brief texts informing me of this “new situation” and refusing to meet in person or discuss it further.

    #789424 Reply
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    Ale
    Member

    Dude, move on. You need a therapist to find out why you let yourself be used like that. Revenge won’t bring anything good.
    I do believe in karma, and if you do too, let karma do its thing. Move on and get better.

    #789428 Reply
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    JD

    I don’t think she will find someone else to do her papers because no one agrees to that. Why you did is confusing. Therapy. Lots of it.

    #789432 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    It would be pretty ridiculous to report her—you weren’t concerned about the ethics of it when you thought you had a chance with her. Reporting her now is straight revenge when frankly, the person you should be pissed at is yourself. I agree with the others—go to therapy to find out why you would behave this way.

    #789439 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    Obviously what she did wasn’t great, but i agree with her refusing to discuss this further or meet you. You sound a little unhinged and the classic “nice guy.”

    I think you would benefit from therapy (everyone can) so that you don’t repeat these behaviors with anyone new. You did all of these things for her expecting to “earn” physical favors (“relationship”) when that didn’t happen you now want to report her for behavior that you voluntarily continued to do…

    #789441 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I’m confused. If you were in college “long ago,” then why is this still relevant?

    Of course you shouldn’t report her. If she were a person in your class who was cheating (and you were not helping), then sure, you could follow the honor code and report her. But you’re doing it solely out of revenge. That makes you sound really unhinged, to take a word from CurlyQue. Adults need to be able to get over slights from other people without trying to ruin their life. Aside from that, a lot of schools consider helping someone cheat just as bad as cheating, so I don’t know if there are any ramifications for you if you’ve already graduated, but you’d be tattling on yourself too.

    It was wrong of her to use you, but she couldn’t use you without your consent. You agreed to all of it. You apparently thought cheating was OK at the time. That’s on you.

    #789442 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    Shes a toxic AHOLE. Just sit back and let Karma do its thing. Eliminate this parasite from your life for good. Look up gullible and learn not to be that.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by avatar Poppy.
    #789443 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Walk away and consider it a lesson learned.

    For future relationships, know that you can’t buy a woman’s affection with dinners, favors, homework help, expensive shows and toys. If a woman is not feeling that way about you, no amount of money spent on her is going to change that. Some guys make the mistake of thinking that if they do nice things for a woman, she owes them love, sex, a relationship. Nope, doesn’t work that way.

    And think about it…is a woman who asks you to buy her stuff or do stuff for her all the time someone you *want* to be in a relationship with? Someone whose affection is contingent on how much you’ve spent on her? That’s not a real relationship, and it sure ain’t love.

    Try building friendships with women you like. That’s how you find someone who genuinely likes you.

    #789447 Reply
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    Northern Star

    She won’t find another gullible pawn. Very few people are as foolish as you have been. She’ll either fail, drop out, or figure out how to do her own work.

    She’s a totally garbage person, so just leave her completely in the past.

    #789448 Reply
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    Ruby Tuesday

    No one forced you to do her homework. You refused to accept her initial rejection because you thought that if you bent over backwards and showered her with gifts, she would change her mind about dating. You willingly agreed because you thought if you did her homework for her, she would fall in love with you. When you began to realize your plan wasn’t working, you confessed to her that you felt like “a fool for living my life for her when she didn’t want to start a relationship with me.” After a few days of silence, you went right back to the same routine, buying her presents and doing her homework. You felt betrayed when she rejected you because she never had and never will have feelings for you. You couldn’t stand it, so now you felt used. And here you are, all these years later, asking a complete group of strangers if you should report her for honor code violations.

    You also violated the honor code. You willingly completed her homework and allowed her to claim it as her own. I doubt an academic institution would buy your sob story or that you are a victim. You were a willing participant. If you report her, your career will go down in flames from the fire you started.

    Personally, I think your obsessive behavior began to make her feel uncomfortable. She told you from the beginning that she didn’t have feelings for you, but you could not accept that. I think she sent a text because she did not feel safe telling you in person. Years later, you still refuse to accept any responsibility for your behavior. You want to report her to your school because you want to hurt her like she hurt you. You want her to feel pain because you refuse to let your pain go. She just wanted to be left alone. You want revenge.

    Mollie Tibbetts just wanted to be left alone while out on a run by herself. Her alleged attacker told police he started following her and that she got frightened by this and said she was going to call the police. That threat made him angry, he said, and then he blacked out and woke with her dead body in his car trunk. Her body was discovered in a corn field last week. She had been missing for a month. All she wanted was to be left alone from unwanted male attention. She’s just one of countless, nameless women who lost their lives at the hands of men who felt used.

    #789449 Reply
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    JD

    Ugh I knew a guy like this before. I never asked for anything let alone doing home work but he would just do things I maybe mentioned in passing and then lost it on my for not wanting to be with him since he had done those things. Heck I even asked him repeatedly not to do those things. I think in passing one day I mentioned some food that looked good in an ad, the next day he showed up to my work with that food for me.

    He ended up being such a creep he followed me to my boyfriends house, walked into the unlocked door and walked in on us as though he had caught me cheating. Super creep. Restraining order happened.

    You are owed NOTHING ever from anyone, especially love for doing things for this woman. Yuck, thinking about that guy again is freaking me out.

    #789454 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    I’m not sure this happened years ago. I think HE was in college years ago and the woman is currently in college, this makes think there was a bit of power imbalance in play when they met. She’s a young college student and he’s an older man trying to elicit favors. I’d be curious to know the actual ages they met since LW has known her for years.

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