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Short relationship ended in a tragedy.How to support him and get him back later

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  • #962596 Reply

    I was dating this guy (30M) for a month and saw him at least twice a week. We talked about a future but were not yet official. Everything was going really well. He is actually living in my building as he has just moved back to our town. We also have mutual friends who introduced us. His brother has a brain tumour which was only just discovered and is in a very bad state in hospital. He was very upset and suddenly stopped texting me and seeing me, making excuses about being too busy. The mutual friend then told me about his brother. A few days he told me he really likes me but just can’t start a new relationship right now and needs space. I understand this as is he going through so much. So things have ended between us. He did not seem to want to talk about his brother too much so I did not push it.

    I know he will need a while to come to terms with this and he has made it clear he does not want a relationship right now. However I hope we can get back together later on as it seems to have only ended due to bad timing. I have not messaged him since the break up 5 days ago as he became so distant himself and needs space but I will run into him sooner or later. What can I do to be supportive and leave the door open for a future relationship whilst respecting the fact he does not want to date me right now and that he needs space?

    #962600 Reply

    I think you should dig deep, compose your thoughts, and handwrite a heartfelt, sympathetic letter. In the letter, please don’t mention your desire to continue the relationship, as it’s clearly the wrong time. Rather, ask about his brother’s favorite flower so that you may send the perfect bouquet.

    Since you live in the same building, you may slide the letter under his door. Handwritten correspondence is more laborious than sending email, so hopefully he’ll notice and appreciate your effort. Your unselfish support and friendship will prove to be a fine foundation for your relationship, once he’s ready to date again.

    #962606 Reply

    Look, grief can make people weird, it can realign their priorities or how they view the world. It can change who they are and what they want. Or not.

    But you can’t know, nor can you push. He broke up with you because he can’t focus on a romantic relationship with you now, and maybe never. Respect that. At most tell him you’re thinking about him, and that you are there if and when he needs something.

    Then leave him be, and move on with your life. Maybe one day he’ll be ready to date and still want to date you, and you’ll be single too and it’ll work out. Or not. But don’t waste your life waiting just in case.

    But you can’t know, and if you pressure him now you definitely will close the door on a potential reunion down the line.

    #962613 Reply

    Its very possible he doesn’t have the energy for a relationship because his brother is ill. Also very possible he’s using his brother’s illness as an excuse to let you down easy. He’s aware you share a building and doesn’t want things to be weird. The only thing you can do is back off. Do not slide a hand written note under his door. Focus your attention elsewhere. If he’s interested, and it was all just a matter of bad timing, he’ll be in touch when he’s ready. Don’t pause your life for this guy though. Good chance you’ll have to accept that it wasn’t ment to be & there’s a better match out there for you

    #962618 Reply

    Yeah, what Helen said. No letters, no contact. Let him be. If you see him in the building, be kind and warm, but that’s it. IF he was excited about the possibilities with you, he’ll reach out again. But I’d chalk this up to awful timing, wish him the best in your mind, and move on.

    #962626 Reply

    Do not, under any circumstances, write a heartfelt letter, or any letter. That’s a terrible idea. You didn’t break up, you had only just started dating. He asked for space.

    The best possible thing you can do is respect his wishes and leave him alone right now.

    I would encourage you to do your best to put this behind you. There’s a big possibility he doesn’t want to date you at all, and it’s not *only* his brother’s tumor. You have to consider that and not hold out hope that he is going to want to date you in the future.

    Move on the best you can. Don’t be weird if you see him in your building or out with your mutual friends. Be polite, say hi and keep moving forward.

    #962628 Reply

    I think it wouldn’t be inappropriate to let him know that he can reach out to you if he needs to talk, without discussion of a future relationship. That will probably be enough to signal what you’re trying to signal pressing too much.

    For your own sake though, I would treat this relationship as over and move on. Don’t become emotionally invested in it coming back. I’d also not become invested in the idea that if not for the tumor you would have been together. You dated unofficially for a month. Maybe things would have become serious. Maybe not. Maybe this event has caused him to reassess what he wants in a relationship. You don’t know. But he’s not available and there’s nothing you can do and you will waste time and emotional energy waiting around hoping he comes back.

    #962632 Reply

    To be supportive you just reach out and say “Hey, I am hear for you or if you need anything, let me know.” – You know, a sincere no stings attached request. If you bump into him sincerely ask how his brother, he, and the family is doing and leave it be. Maybe offer to bring him some food or take him out as friends. Maybe google some helpful things to say. You could drop off a goodie basket for him to take to the family or some gift cards for eating out with a message, thinking of your brother and family during this time. I suggest doing the offer once and if the brother does pass send your condolences. Don’t expect a follow up.

    If he is interested he will ask. Do give him space and respect it.

    #962633 Reply

    Yeah if you say anything to him further it should ONLY be focused on checking on how he and his brother are doing, expressing heartfelt sympathy, and letting him know your door is open if he needs any help.

    There should be NO outpouring of your hopes and feelings.

    Then you need to move on with your life, and not wait around.

    Maybe one day he’ll come knock on your door and he’ll want to pick back off where you left off, or maybe he won’t. But there’s nothing you can do to make it happen one way or the other so you shouldn’t waste your time waiting for if or when it happens.

    #962643 Reply

    Oy, the heading of your post says it all. Basically it’s “he’s in the middle of a tragedy, but how can I get what I want?”

    This sounds like you want to turn him into your new boyfriend. He is flat-out not available for that right now. How could he possibly feel romantic anytime soon? Respect what he told you.

    #962647 Reply

    He asked for space and didn’t want to talk about his brother. Offering support or asking about his family is not what he asked for.

    Of course, if you see him and he’s engaging in conversation with you- offer support if you want to, but don’t reach out to him after he’s asked for space.

    “It’s been five days-“ you aren’t his girlfriend. You weren’t in a relationship. He knows where to find you if he wants to.

    #962651 Reply

    I’d say be open to listening and sympathetic if he wants to communicate when you happen to meet in the hall, apart from that, just steer clear, he has enough to deal with and he just doesn’t have space to deal with any relationship right now.

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