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Dear Wendy

Short relationship ended in a tragedy.How to support him and get him back later

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Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 27 total)
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  • #962657 Reply
    avatarCheryl
    Guest

    Leave it for later. You do not want to support him, you want to stay connected to him. You are not close enough nor do you know him well enough to date. If you want him back, stay NC. I hate to say this but it was too early to know if that’s a reason. If you stay connected, you will ruin your chance later!

    #962705 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    If you want to support him, just do what he asked you: leave him alone. Move on. If you meet him by chance, be nice and greet him, but don’t start a personal discussion about his brother. Anyway, he is not that into you. He is not interested in a relationship. It ended, like many relationship at their start. It is over and don’t pursue him because he lives in your block.
    I once read something useful : the worst thing you can do to someone is to love them when they don’t reciprocate.

    #962719 Reply
    avatarSleepless
    Participant

    Thanks everyone for your replies. I ran into him today. We chatted for a few minutes, and he smiled when he saw me. I did not bring up his brother as I have already expressed my well wishes towards him.

    Look, I know it may not have worked out anyway, but he did just go very distant all of a sudden as soon as his brother became poorly. I know it may never work out. I don’t think it is fair to suggest he is not interested in me though or didn’t want me anyway. We were in early stages and not boyfriend/ girlfriend yet. And I think its normal for a man to withdraw from people and can understand he cant focus on a relationship now. He is going through so much.

    The thing is I will continue to see him, in our building and with our friends. I cannot go no contact. I wont call him but should I be friendly when I see him or just polite but indifferent?

    I will move on with my life I just want to keep a future chance open with him just in case.

    #962724 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Make him some food that he can freeze and pull out when things are overwhelming. It’s a kindness and it will give him an excuse to return the tupperware.

    #962726 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    omg, don’t make him food. Leave him be.

    Just be polite and a little friendly, yes, but don’t chase or orbit around him. Talk to other people if you’re in a group together.

    #962735 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    He asked for space. Respect his wishes and give him space. Don’t make him food. Be normal in person. Don’t hold out hope he actually does want to date you in the future.

    #962774 Reply
    avatarpinkcarnation
    Guest

    I am deeply cringing at some of this advice.

    No handwritten letter. No perfect bouquet of flowers. No food.
    No expending energy on this man.

    He told you he does not want a relationship. It’s age old advice, but it’s worth repeating – when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, what he means is he doesn’t want a relationship WITH YOU. His personal family situation is irrelevant. Cooking him food and sending his brother flowers is not only incredibly inappropriate, it’s highly embarrassing. Imagine the situation in reverse. You told a man you don’t want a relationship and he shows up on your doorstep with a casserole and heartfelt sentiments for an ill family member? No.

    I know it hurts and I’m sorry you are going through this. Do not waste your time and energy “leaving the door open” to him, as you will seriously hamper your chances of moving on and meeting a man ready and available RIGHT NOW for a relationship with you. Be civil and courteous when you run into him, as you would an acquaintance. Read nothing into him smiling at you, it’s polite to smile at acquaintances. Smile and keep on moving.

    #962775 Reply
    avatarEle4phant
    Guest

    If he wants to be with you, he knows where to find you. There’s nothing you can do to leave the door open, if he decides he’s changed his mind, it’s not like you’ll have disappeared into the ether, you know?

    Just be polite and friendly when you see him, like you would with any other neighbor, like you did when you last saw him.

    Because right now, and probably always from here on out, that’s all you are – neighbors.

    #962776 Reply
    avatarEle4phant
    Guest

    I would also say, in general when someone is going through a hardship, it is a kindness to do something like make then a meal or offer to help take something off their plate, like running errands or babysitting their kids (or pets or plants or whatever).

    I have done that many times for friends or people I care about when they are going through something. Even people I’m maybe not that close to, because we are social beings and we care about others, and are kind when we can be.

    That said, given your history with this guy, you should not do something like this for him. This kind of thing should be done truly as a selfless gesture, and you aren’t in a position to do that. You’re hung up on this guy, if you do something like that it will be super transparent you have ulterior motives.

    Just be a normal person. If you run into him, be friendly and ask him about the weather or something light. Just treat him like a friendly neighbor you have a nice rapport with in passing. Because again, that’s all he is to you now, just a neighbor.

    #962778 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    I made the food suggestion only as a kindness. When people are grieving they don’t always take care of themselves. You could put food in recyclable tins requiring no further contact. It’s a nice gesture of friendship, nothing more.

    #962780 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    But they aren’t friends, and he expressly asked for space.

    #962781 Reply
    avatarSleepless
    Participant

    I saw him again today, on the other side of the pavement he was in conversation with someone else, but he still called out to me and started chatting. I only smiled and kept walking until he called to me. Just to say hi and whatnot.

    I know I should assume all is over and he actually could have wanted to end the relationship and this is an excuse. But he is very close to his brother who is very ill and it could actually be he can’t emotionally deal with starting a new relationship right now with all the other emotions he is feeling. I think I’m so hung up because I don’t know if he wanted to end the relationship or it is just because of the emotion of his brother. He has been single for a long time and an introvert so maybe isn’t used to having a women to share these hard things with and he withdraws.

    Obviously he would still be polite to not make things weird as we do have to live in close proximity. But I just don’ know what to make of him come out of his way to chat to me.

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