Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should he come to my defense?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Should he come to my defense?

Viewing 9 posts - 13 through 21 (of 21 total)
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  • #860128 Reply

    Thanks everyone! I appreciate the positive support and encouragement that was given. I’ll definitely use these tools to help me out.

    #860137 Reply

    @Fyodor – there are no scripts per se – because we’ve been told all our lives to not make a scene.

    Any comment needs to be loud, direct and does not explain shit. None of this “When you touch me like this, it makes me feel….” or “I know you grew up in a different time Bob…” No. The statement is Stop this Now. Or stop this now or face consequences.

    I’m also partial to slapping or jostling anyone who makes excuses for the transgressor and then saying “Well it’s just a sign of my disapproval… there’s no real harm in slapping you across the face is there? It’s just something I do.” That’s harder to carry off though.

    However aside from the script I provided upstream I’ll offer:

    Keep your (damn) hands to yourself.
    Touch me again and you will regret it.
    Stop touching me.
    Stop fucking touching me.
    If you touch me I will stab you with a fork.

    #860146 Reply

    You could consider spraying him with something like pepper spray if nothing else works.

    I’d refuse to attend holiday gatherings with someone who doesn’t respect personal boundaries. I wouldn’t want it for myself and I certainly wouldn’t want to have to worry about what was happening to my kids. I wouldn’t want a daughter to think she had to put up with that kind of touching and I wouldn’t want a son to think that men can grab women if they feel like it. It’s a bad situation for the entire family.

    #860151 Reply

    I hope this isn’t your sibling. It would make sense to talk to your parents in an effort to put more pressure on him to quit if he were your brother or stepbrother.

    No matter how you are related you should feel free to tell your parents that you will not attend holiday gatherings with someone who gropes you. Tell them that if they won’t put a stop to it you will by not being there. If this is their home it is up to them to make sure it is safe for everyone. If they can’t do that they are choosing to celebrate without you or your family.

    #860166 Reply

    Why don’t you role play standing up for yourself with your husband? Have him play the creepy relative, while you practice telling him off?

    This serves a twofold purpose of letting you practice standing up for yourself and giving your husband firsthand experience of what it’s like to be in a situation like this.

    (And if your husband stops being such a coward after role-playing this scenario with you a few times, even better.)

    #860310 Reply

    If just calling him out doesn’t work, take up sewing (for christmas crafts,or anything) and always have a fine big needle behind your lapel or somewhere. Brandish it if he approaches looking grabby. If he still keeps taking you by surprise, accidentally flash your needle holding hand right into his leg. Make it a clean one, you don’t want to give him blood poisoning, just a fright.

    #860725 Reply

    If it were your husband’s relative I would say that he is the one who should confront, but since this is your relative I think it is best for you to handle it. Bob is a predator and he is banking on you not wanting to make a scene. He knows that you are too uncomfortable with causing a fuss at a public event and is using your fear against you. You need to reframe this – it is not you making a scene, it is 100% him. His actions are out of line and he refuses to respect your boundaries. If all else fails, keep a cup of hot coffee at hand that you can dump on him.

    #860737 Reply

    Having grown up on a farm a cattle prod comes to mind as a consequence for groping you. Hot coffee might hit someone else. A sewing needle wouldn’t and could be useful.

    #860739 Reply

    Yeah, a taser or pepper spray would be amazing. Or one of those personal alarms.

Viewing 9 posts - 13 through 21 (of 21 total)
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