Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should I confront him? Monogamous Online dating

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Should I confront him? Monogamous Online dating

This topic contains 11 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 4 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #845439 Reply
    avatar
    Khd221

    I met this guy from an online dating app last week, we have been on 5 dates. Yes, that means we saw each other basically every night last week.

    Our intentions are the same: looking for relationship. Though he also stated that he’s slow in trusting anyone and takes time to truly commit to anything.

    Sex started on the third date, it was truly amazing so we decided to see each other again on the fourth and fifth dates. The sex has been good and feeling compatible. I always slept over and we cuddled everytime after sex. I one time asked him to be monogamous and exclusive dating, I did explain to him that it was not about being in a relationship but just get to know each other, it still needs to be one person at a time, he answered he did not see or talk to anybody else.

    Today while being out of town for the weekends, I used my friend’s account on the same dating app and changed the location. I liked his profile and messaged him just to see if he’d respond back, and unluckily, he did. I asked if he wanted to go on a first date, and as ironic as it could be, he agreed.

    So do you think I should confront him about this? To be honest, this made me sad but I know we are not anything official yet to even complain.

    #845442 Reply
    avatar
    Betty

    You’ve been dating a week and you are already having sex and talking about being exclusive? Put on the brakes. If you confront him you will look crazy: you catfished him on a dating app after only seeing him for a week. Take a breather, date other people, and continue seeing him if you want, but you already know not to put all your eggs in his basket.

    #845443 Reply
    avatar
    Essie
    Participant

    I’m speechless. Why in heaven’s name would you WANT to be in a monogamous, exclusive relationship with a near-stranger?

    That’s not at all how dating works. You get to know the person, over time, and *then* you decide if you want to be exclusive.

    And then you run a catfish scam on the poor guy, and want to “confront” him. Wow. A first date, monogamy, entrapment and confrontation, all in the same week.

    #845444 Reply
    avatar
    Ange

    If you do confront him about this he’s going to run for the hills and it would be a smart decision. I don’t know who is in the driver’s seat in this relationship but they need to slam on the brakes. Surely you’re not so desperate that you have to have someone locked down in a week? You might have had a nice future if you’d taken your time and dated for a while first but I’d say you’ve ruined that now. You can always go back to him and say you’ve realised things were moving too fast and you’d like to try dating without expectations for a bit longer and see how that goes, it’ll take a lot more emotional self restraint than you’ve demonstrated though. Good luck.

    #845447 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    You should carry this scheme to its logical conclusion. Show up on the date in a disguise and then burst out of the disguise and confront him on public.

    #845450 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    What everyone else said.

    But also, confront him about WHAT?? He actually didn’t tell you he wanted to be exclusive with you, or that he would be.

    He told you up front that it takes a long time for him to commit. Which basically meant “don’t expect me to commit to you.” Then when you asked for exclusivity, all he said was “he answered he did not see or talk to anybody else.” Which was probably true. He wasn’t lying. But what he didn’t say was that he *wouldnt* see anyone else. He didn’t promise you that.

    This guy isn’t interested in being your boyfriend. You could take the advice to slow down and take it easy and see where this goes, or you could just move on now. I would recommend the latter. I just can’t see you two getting on the same page or you ever being able to just relax and go with the flow and trust.

    #845461 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Instead of trying to force a guy to conform to what you want, you need to be conforming to what you want. If you want an exclusive relationship, demonstrate that by not having sex early on with a guy who warned you he doesn’t commit and who hasn’t expressed wanting to see you exclusively. Have sex with a guy who acts like he’s your boyfriend and says he’d like to see only you.

    #845477 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    My advice is to de-activate your dating profile, tell this guy you like him but just realized you aren’t emotionally ready to date right now, and then take six months and literally don’t go on a single date or in any way even try to date. If someone asks you out, politely decline and say you’re taking a break for dating but if they’re still interested at the end of the year to check in with you. Give yourself the rest of 2019 to clear your hear. Your behavior is borderline unhinged and I suspect you put a lot of energy into landing a relationship instead of developing yourself as a person who might attract quality men and healthy relationships.

    #845480 Reply

    Think about what it would have felt like if he’d done this to you.

    He didn’t do anything wrong. He told you he wasn’t currently seeing anyone else. If someone messaged you and asked for a first date, ticked all the boxes etc you would say No after dating a guy for one week? When someone says they want a relationship, it doesn’t and shouldn’t mean right away. You don’t even know him. And he told you he wanted a relationship, but it takes time for him to commit.

    I agree that you don’t sound ready to be dating if your first instinct is to test his loyalty. Seriously, that twisted little game you played is middle school stuff. If you confront him, he’s going to block you and use you as a crazy dating story to laugh about, if anything. It’s weird to have done that. I hope you realize that what you did was more messed up that’s him agreeing to a first date.

    #845520 Reply
    avatar
    LisforLeslie

    You are getting a lot of good, rational advice and you need it.

    If you are the kind of person that wants a monogamous and committed relationship then you need to state that and demonstrate it. You don’t have to be prudish, but maybe don’t have sex with someone until you feel that they’ve demonstrated the kind of commitment you need. Don’t have the “let’s be exclusive” talk after sex.

    You wouldn’t accept a job offer and then try to renegotiate the benefits. You’d go through the interviews, figure out if this looks like a good match and then agree to the terms before you hand over your Social Security Number and bank routing details.

    Don’t try to convince yourself that you wanted to find out if you were sexually compatible. I think that’s a lie you tell yourself.

    #845547 Reply
    avatar
    cdobbs

    i get that if you are sleeping with someone you would want it to be monogamous….but he obviously feels different and so i would end things with this guy

    #845596 Reply
    avatar
    dinoceros
    Member

    Just because you’ve been on five dates and had sex doesn’t change the fact that you’ve only known each other for a week. A week is too short for anyone to agree to exclusivity. You BARELY know each other. Why would you commit to someone you barely know?

    I agree with Wendy. If you’re in a position where you want a relationship so badly that you’re trying to get into one with someone you just met and are willing to spend all your time with them immediately, then you need to pause your dating. I don’t think anyone should play games, but TBH, most people are going to be turned off if someone is willing to toss aside the rest of their life in order to spend 5 days in a week together. I’d be wondering why this person I was seeing had nothing else going on in their life besides going out with me.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
Reply To: Should I confront him? Monogamous Online dating
Your information: