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Dear Wendy

“Should I Contact Him or Should He Reach Out First?”

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  • #1009197 Reply
    avatarDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    “I have known this guy for about 4 to 5 months now. When i started talking to him I had my guard up and i was terrified of opening up. In the past I was in an abusive relationship and when i left it was hard to trust people again.So when i met him it was hard to open up to him but he would do so easily to me. He would keep asking me how exactly i wanted us to get to know each other but i wouldn’t really respond seriously because i was scared to take him seriously for fear he would hurt me somehow. I have been scared to be in anything serious for along time and i have been settling for just going on dates with guys or having alil fun but a full on relationship scares me.

    Anyways when we would text on WhatsApp, I wouldn’t really respond to his messages in time and he would do the same…but i didnt feel it was such a big deal because he runs his own business and it probably eats up alot of his time ,im still in varsity so im almost always busy. He asked me to come over and i did because i was still in my “nothing serious” phase. We talked drank some wine and he kept on taking shots and trying to get me to do the same. It was all so weird and he asked me to give him a long hug and it was even weirder,ended up dry humping but nothing more. So i went over to his house a few more times and things moved from dryhumping to actually touching and i was okay with this because i was still in my nothing serious phase. But he would show frustration that i had my walls up.

    I eventually went back to school and we continued talking in our usual hours long spaced conversations. I was there for about three weeks and when i was back he shocked me by doing something small for me,i told him i liked it when my wine is chilled and he did exactly that. When i left he said “so we are going to do the 90 day rule” …but i thought that was for people in a relationship ….where there is a certain unsaid timeframe before a girl can sleep with a guy. Its all so strange because i thought we would be fwb…was i wrong? Then when i got back home and i told him I wanted to see him at the end of the week he expressed disappointment that i didn’t want to se him earlier. He always talks about how he wants us to kiss more,more deep kisses. When i did finally see him i gave him a quick hug and he got mad that it was too short,when he was in the bathroom i started using my phone then he got mad that i was using my phone when he was around then he asked me if he could eat me out… I just dont understand this.

    This other day he started telling me a story from his childhood…its confusing.He told me he wants me to make him a priority and that he doesn’t like that i ignore him . So i stopped responding late but he didn’t stop. I told him i missed him and he said thats cute. I was starting to develop feelings for him yet he seems to have lost his. Is this revenge for being unresponsive in the beginning?maybe i deserve it i dont koww. I once told him that i want him to really set aside alil time for us and that id love to see him for more than an hour and that i dont like how he always says. “we’ll see” when it comes to us seeing each other.

    Ill admit i was trying to show him i want a serious relationship ,that i want more but he just said he really has no time and im being petty. So i just really want to know what the hell is happening ,i told him i wont be available fr a few weeks and from there we haven’t talked for about 10days now and its really killing me. Should i contact him or should he reach out first. I cant stop thinking about him yet i dont want to be hurt . Please help. “

    #1009202 Reply

    From your narrative, it seems that he is mainly interested in getting laid.
    And you are not so passionate about him.
    You don’t “deserve” any punishment for anything! You weren’t that interested and he doesn’t seem that great either. You don’t say anything positive about him, it says something.
    Let this one go. It was exactly in the range of not so serious dating experience that you wanted.
    You will feel it when you really click with someone.

    #1009204 Reply

    So he’s pushing you to be more affectionate, more committed and make him a priority and this is or is not what you want?

    I don’t understand why he’s making demands on the type of affection you show him? A hug needs to be longer? Something is not right here; you’re trying to take it slow and protect yourself and he’s demanding you jump in on his schedule, not yours.

    #1009205 Reply

    To me, it sounds like he’s jealous, controlling (you were on your phone in the bathroom, and that made him mad?) and playing games with you. He wants you to make him a priority and then ignores you. He is trying to make you feel bad so that you’ll sleep with him the next time he pressures you.

    I also don’t think it’s cool at all that he was pressuring you to take shots and drink more.

    I don’t think this is the guy you should get entangled with, especially if you have a history of abuse.

    Normally, I’d say if a guy is confusing- he’s just not into you. Guys who like you, want you will be direct and make their feelings known. It sounds like he is testing you, negging you, and just generally kind of a dbag.

    You’re in college, right? Are there no eligible men at your school? If you truly want a FWBs situation, do that with a laid back dude at school.

    You don’t have to date or text a guy with clear intentions that you do or do not want a relationship. You can just spend time with a guy and feel it out.

    Please think more about what you want and how people make you feel.

    #1009206 Reply

    Make an appointment to see your school counselor if you are having trouble trusting people. There’s a difference between trusting people and your intuition that is telling you “Nope!” In this case, I think you know deep down that this is not the guy for you.

    I recommend counseling because it can take years for people to work through trauma or past abuse and counseling can really help you get through that sooner. You need to work through this so that you don’t end up in a bad relationship again. Also, it’s part of your tuition, and it’s good to take advantage of all the benefits of being a college student while you can. Therapy and counseling are expensive, so consider doing this now while you can.

    #1009207 Reply

    Oh dear. This guy was pushing for sex/physical intimacy, he didn’t get it, so he’s not interested anymore. Him pressuring you to take shots you didn’t want, telling you that you aren’t “allowed” to sleep with other people (but apparently he was?), pushing for things like deep kissing and oral sex that you didn’t want- these are bad signs. He’s not a good guy. Don’t contact him anymore and block him on all platforms.

    You need to take a big step back from dating. You were in an abusive relationship which can really, really screw up your “picker” – and that seems to be the case because you’re saying you want a serious relationship with a guy who didn’t treat you well and then ditched you after he didn’t get the sex he wanted.

    You admit yourself you’re terrified of opening up and you play games with not answering texts, not saying how or if you want to see someone, and not asking for what you want. A good guy isn’t going to stick around for that. The only guys who will are the ones who just want sex or another abuser who will recognize and prey on your lack of self esteem. Make an appointment with your college’s counseling center. Take a look at and Take time to heal, build your confidence and self esteem, detox from the abuse you suffered, and learn what red flags to watch out for and what a good guy/relationship looks like. Then start dating again. But please don’t date until you’ve done some of that work or you will end up in another abusive relationship.

    #1009208 Reply

    Good lord.

    Stay away from this person. You are so, so, so, SO not going to have a relationship with him, nor are you ready for a relationship. Your standards are too LOW.
    * You’re shocked by chilled wine? That is not a grand gesture.
    * He — seriously and for real — asked if he could eat you out when you haven’t even dated or slept together? Christ. That is NOT romantic, or seductive, or … anything.
    * He is telling you FLAT OUT what he wants, and you persist in finding that “confusing.” Why? “I have no time” and “you are petty” — those are words that he means. He wants sex. That’s it.
    * You’re expected to meet all of his wants — don’t talk on the phone, give him longer kisses, etc. — but your wants are “petty.” No.
    * You are totally, totally kidding yourself when you say you are just a chill girl who wants FWB with anyone. You are clearly vulnerable to assholes, still, and should probably get some therapy. That’s not a put-down; I say that with kindness.

    #1009209 Reply

    He sounds like he will end up abusive, just like your ex. You aren’t dating yet and he doesn’t respect your boundaries physically or emotionally. That is a huge red flag. You don’t “deserve” to be punished–you are not a criminal and have done nothing wrong.

    #1009210 Reply

    Ohhhh, I don’t like this guy at all.

    First of all, “he would keep asking me how exactly I wanted us to get to know each other.” That’s pretty weird. Getting to know each other should happen organically – or not. It’s not for one person to be prescriptive about “here’s how I want it to happen.” That makes no sense. And I think it was disingenuous anyway in light of his later actions. Anyway, the right response to that on your part would have been something like, “Let’s just take it slow and see how it goes. Right now I am not looking for anything serious.”

    So you text casually for a while and then he asks you to come over and tries to get you drunk? That’s where it looks like he was full of shit with the “how would you like to get to know each other” thing. A guy who goes right from casual texting to “come over” and “let’s do shots” is only interested in sex. The long hug thing is fucking weird too, but yeah, it was just a way to pull you in physically – for sex.

    Also, chilling your wine? Means nothing. That’s table stakes. He doesn’t get some kind of special credit for that. He was again just trying to get you drunk at his house – for sex. And then he was trying to get you to tell him what’s up with your plan for having sex with him. Like, when can he expect it.

    Also, why did you think you would be fwb (or anything else) when you had *never had any actual discussion* of what you’d be? Did you want that? Did you not? Did you use your words in any way?

    Then he’s pressuring you, trying to tell you what to do, offering oral sex – so he can get laid. That’s all he wants. He’s not taking you on dates, he’s just inviting you over, giving you alcohol, and pressuring you. He’s not trying to get revenge on you, he’s just cooling off because he didn’t get the sex he wanted. Which, that was ALL he wanted. And now he’s not contacting you at all. He’s said he can’t give you more than he was giving you, which was what, an hour at his house once a week? IF that? What the hell is happening is, you didn’t have sex with him, he doesn’t want any more than that, and now he’s out.

    Don’t contact him. And going forward, with the next guy, please be a little more honest about what you want. If you just want to date and nothing serious, SAY THAT. If you just want FWB, SAY THAT. If you’re feeling like you’d like to get more serious, have a check-in with him. Don’t expect him to read your mind and your hints. And don’t agree to go over to some guy’s house in lieu of going on dates. When you do that, you’re signaling that you’re cool with just skipping right to the sex. This guy got that message from you and then got frustrated when you didn’t actually skip right to the sex.

    #1009211 Reply

    And 100% what Golfer.Gal said about a good guy not sticking around for your non-communication and games. You’re going to be stuck with creep after creep if you can’t (with help from a therapist) get to a point where you can pick up on signs a guy is a creep or has boyfriend potential; reliably gather data that will enable you to know what you’d like with a given guy, and communicate that appropriately (neither too much nor too little info); as well as know and keep your boundaries.

    #1009214 Reply

    Your letter made me so sad, you are teetering on another abusive relationship and you don’t even know it. Please listen to me, there are so many red flags with this guy, I honestly hope he’s only looking for sex and isn’t trying to rope you into an abusive relationship. This is CLASSIC controlling behavior, he keeps you unsettled and confused and he gets off on it. Just a couple of examples – “I told him i missed him and he said thats cute.” – ugh, that’s so you will wonder if he missed you too, but he doesn’t tell you that on purpose. “i dont like how he always says. “we’ll see” when it comes to us seeing each other.” NO ONE should EVER say “we’ll see” to another person unless it’s a parent talking to a child! Or MAYBE a boss talking to a subordinate. Listen to me now, in a relationship, BOTH people are equals, BOTH people participate in the decisions, BOTH people are in control of how often they see each other, how intimate they are, and everything else. I don’t think you know that, so please go talk to the counselor at your school. You are so vulnerable to bad guys like this right now, it will really help to talk to someone who can help you see why. Hugs

    #1009219 Reply

    “When i started talking to him I had my guard up and i was terrified of opening up.”

    Then why even talk to him?

    If you are shattered by a past relationship, literally only predators would try to have sex with you. It’s okay not to date while you sort through the past. The men will still be around when you are fully ready to date.

    Creepy assholes talk about how “damaged goods/crazy women” are wild in bed.

    I don’t think you are damaged, crazy or ruined, but gross people look for weakness and try to exploit it.

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