Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should I contact him?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Should I contact him?

  • This topic has 34 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 day, 9 hours ago by avatarKerri Parker.
Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 35 total)
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  • #880672 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    It sure is a lot of “is everything okays?”

    Honestly, back in my very fleeting / now long closed window of being vaguely fuckable — I had my semi-fair share of relationships… and in my entire dating career I was never asked / nor did as much asking of that irritating question as you did to this poor guy.

    For fuck’s sake. Sometimes, I’m tired LITERALLY means I’m tired. And I don’t doubt he was tired, you sound exhausting.

    #880675 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Look, by our 30s (I’m 36) we’ve all had bad breakups, bad relationships, been cheated on, etc. If you haven’t, you’re lucky. Those things do not excuse this level of insecurity and neediness. If you are afraid someone is looking for the door from the very beginning, you need to work on that, possibly in therapy. By your thirties you should feel secure enough to be able to relax and enjoy, and be able to withstand small changes in behavior, temperature or attitude. Real relationships are not always going to be sunshine and roses, but they are also not going to fall apart if he’s in a bad mood, doesn’t want to hang out, etc.

    Literally what you were afraid of- him wanting to end things- happened because you were pushing him too much to talk about his emotions, your relationship, etc. It’s stressful and exhausting to have to constantly reassure someone. I think the last straw was when he told you he was tired and didn’t want to talk and you called him anyway and forced him into the conversation.

    I behaved like this when I was younger, insecure and fresh out of shitty relationships, but it didn’t take me long to realize that it was me that was behaving badly. No one wants to constantly worry you’ll be worried if they aren’t on their A game. They don’t want to have to fake feeling super happy, if they’re really tired and stressed.

    I hope you take this advice the way it was intended. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I’m trying to help you realize that you need to feel more secure before you will be able to have a happy and easygoing connection. And you can’t fake it, you really have to work on being happy in your own life to where a man adds to it.

    #880724 Reply
    avatarAnne
    Guest

    I appreciate all of the responses despite how hard some of them were to read. I do realize I could have let some things go and I’ve been beating myself up for the way I’ve handled things. I’ve had a lot of anxiety and loneliness in this pandemic and no social contact, aside from family and friend video and phone calls aside from this relationship so I think it heightened my need to want to keep it and get obsessed with the idea of it rather than what the reality is. I think I am turned off my some of the lack of thoughtfulness and how much he thinks about his own schedule compared to mine, so that made me act out at times with subtle passive aggressive comments that I’m not proud of and wish I could rewind. To clarify, I know I wrote about “relationship talks,” but I never wanted to establish exclusivity ( other than health reasons) and don’t want to rush things and don’t know why it came out like I did during this time. The “talks” we had were maybe 5 mins, twice just asking if he was okay with a total mood shift. I know it’s still too much, but I never harped on it for long when he told me it was okay. The second time I asked, it was after sex so it hurt a little more , he told me he feels off his routine if he doesn’t exercise earlier on in the day and gets moody, and I never talked about that again with him and said I’m glad to know that I know I’m still getting to know you. The other time with the parent call thing, I asked if he hadn’t talked to his parents a about the ex because he wanted to get back together with her or was still with her. I clarified with him for my own sanity and get like I had to ask since the timeline he told his brother on the phone was different from mine. He denied and told me he really liked me and understood why I needed to ask about it. I was going from his signals with pressing the relationship forward in the beginning. He wanted to talk all the time, see me three times a week or more and we did have some fun times including making dinners, watching shows, having some fun talks about deeper topics..he met my friends before the pandemic. He’s on my tennis team and we have mutual friends. I truly I don’t believe he intended to have me as a friends with benefits as I talk about it. I think I may have pushed him beyond his comfort zone but maybe that’s my perspective and I’m obviously clearly biased so that’s why I reached out on here. This guy has told me he’s never been more attracted to someone, that he loves hanging out with me, has alluded to doing things when this is over and I was so excited. I’ve explained the last week to friends and I’m self detrimental by nature and try to improve on my behaviors and find error anyway and they all thought he seemed selfish and gaslighting me in those two conversations but I didn’t know what to think since they are biased as friend so I can here. The last couple of weeks are the only time it’s been weird aside from
    Me having concerns about him being slightly inconsiderate and more into himself and his needs is the past week or so. I know it’s bad we haven’t talked in 4 days. I’m 32 and have had ups and downs in relationships and tend to go for less available, smart attractive men who seem to be less nice. I’m guessing because I want a challenger or because I don’t think I deserve someone who is nice. Either way I have a lot to work on in that area and I know that. I did reach out to him last night just so I would know and stop thinking about it. I said a friendly hey and mentioned that I ran into some mutual neighbor friends of ours. He responded right away and we had a couple back and forth friendly texts and it stopped. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I don’t know what I want I guess with him.I would love to try again but at this point I know he doesn’t. All of family and friends are not fans either even through I am very self critical in all of my stories. If by some crazy chance we do get together again I’m not sure if I should try to explain myself and talk again or just take things day by day and see how we feel? I know I may be looking for something else and he may not be a match but I still feel attached in a way. And yes, I’ve read “Attached” and know I have anxious attachment. He may be avoidant and this whole thing is a hot mess! Thank you again for all the time people took to read and give advice. I wanted unbiased advice and comments and I certainly got it and want to learn to be better in relationships. ll of the responses despite how hard some of them were to read. I do realize I could have let some things go and I’ve been beating myself up for the way I’ve handled things. I’ve had a lot of anxiety and loneliness in this pandemic and no social contact, aside from family and friend video and phone calls aside from this relationship so I think it heightened my need to want to keep it and get obsessed with the idea of it rather than what the reality is. I think I am turned off by some of the lack of thoughtfulness and how much he thinks about his own schedule compared to mine, so that made me act out at times with subtle passive aggressive comments that I’m not proud of and wish I could rewind. To clarify, I know I wrote about “relationship talks,” but I never wanted to establish exclusivity ( other than health reasons) and don’t want to rush things and don’t know why it came out like I did during this time. The “talks” we had were maybe 5 mins, twice just asking if he was okay with a total mood shift. I know it’s still too much, but I never harped on it for long when he told me it was okay. The second time I asked, it was after sex so it hurt a little more , he told me he feels off his routine if he doesn’t exercise earlier on in the day and gets moody, and I never talked about that again with him and said I’m glad to know that I know I’m still getting to know you. The other time with the family call thing, I asked if he hadn’t talked to his parents a about the ex because he wanted to get back together with her or was still with her. I clarified with him for my own sanity and feel like I had to ask since the timeline he told his brother on the phone was different from what he told me It was around when we first met. He came right out second date telling me about his relationship history when we had a deep talk about waiting to settle down versus people who got married earlier. I even told him that I was engaged when I was 21 and broke it off and he respected it so much and we had a great talk about it. I don’t usually like opening up so soon but he flat out asked me if I was ever close to marriage so I had to respond. When I asked him about the ex girlfriend He denied wanting to be with her and told me he really liked me and understood why I needed to ask about it.he said he would try to “hunt down” the guy if it was flipped. I was going from his signals with pressing the relationship forward in the beginning. He wanted to talk all the time, see me three times a week or more and we did have some fun times including making dinners, watching shows, having some fun talks about deeper topics..he met my friends before the pandemic. He’s on my tennis team and we have mutual friends. I truly I don’t believe he intended to have me as a friends with benefits as I talk about it. I think I may have pushed him beyond his comfort zone but maybe that’s my perspective and I’m obviously clearly biased so that’s why I reached out on here. This guy has told me he’s never been more attracted to someone, that he loves hanging out with me, has alluded to doing things when this is over and I was so excited. I’ve explained the last week to friends and I’m self detrimental by nature and try to improve on my behaviors and find error anyway and they all thought he seemed selfish and gaslighting me in those two conversations but I didn’t know what to think since they are biased as friend so I can here. The last week is the only time it’s been weird aside from
    Me having concerns about him being slightly inconsiderate and more into himself and his needs. To clarify, the only action I did with that is the water response once and one time I joked about being hungry and there was no breakfast. Neither turned into a fight.
    I know it’s bad we haven’t talked in 4 days. I’m 32 and have had ups and downs in relationships and tend to go for less available, smart attractive men who seem to be less nice. I’m guessing because I want a challenge or because I don’t think I deserve someone who is nice. Either way I have a lot to work on in that area and I know that. I did reach out to him last night just so I would know and stop thinking about it. I said a friendly hey and mentioned that I ran into some mutual neighbor friends of ours. He responded right away and we had a couple back and forth friendly texts and it stopped. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I don’t know what I want I guess with him.I would love to try again but at this point Im guessing he doesn’t. especially based on everyone’s comments I know I’m being a complete hopeless romantic thinking there’s a chance. I’m also that too.. it’s something I wish I could change! All of family and friends are not fans of him even through I am very self critical in all of my stories. If by some crazy chance we do get together again to meet up I’m not sure if I should try to apologize and talk again or just take things day by day and see how we feel and never bring it up ? I know I may be looking for something else and he may not be a match but I still feel attached in a way. Looking for advice how to handle that situation?
    And yes, I’ve read “Attached” and know I have anxious attachment. He may be avoidant and this whole thing is a hot mess! Thank you again for all the time people took to read and give advice. I wanted unbiased advice and comments and I certainly got it and want to learn to be better in relationships.

    #880729 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I’m sorry, I couldn’t read all of that right now, but don’t beat yourself up. These are extremely challenging and unnatural times. Trying to establish a relationship is probably just too much for most people. Fuck, it’s not easy being locked up all day with a spouse of 6 years who you have a very strong and healthy relationship with.

    And honestly, I don’t think it would have worked out with that guy anyway, but the isolation just put everything under a microscope and accelerated it. Look, no nice, decent guy would just not ask you if you want something to eat or drink while you’re at his house. That’s fucked up. Would you ever fucking do that to someone?? I’m not the most considerate person, but I ALWAYS offer people water, juice, coffee, tea, soda, snacks. What the fuck?

    The vibe I get is he thought you were attractive and fun, but then things got way too real too fast and he was not actually looking for, nor could handle, a girlfriend relationship. I’m not telling you he just wanted fwb, but he didn’t want to be a *boyfriend,* which involves a lot more than you maybe realize.

    If this was in any way meant to be, you will find your way back to each other, but I don’t think it was. I mean, be aware of your attachment style, but also understand that when you’re with the wrong guy who wants something different than you want, it can bring out some wack behavior in you. I’ve been there.

    #880730 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    I don’t think there is any real solid evidence that he didn’t want to be a boyfriend in so much as he realized he didn’t want to be HER boyfriend.

    Look, they just — clearly — were NOT a match.

    Helpful tip for the future: people have moods. Not every shift in mood can or should need to be explored or explained.

    #880731 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    And going forward? Your needs aren’t a joke. Don’t joke about them. If you’re at a guy’s house and you want breakfast, literally say, “I’m hungry! What do you have in the house for breakfast?” If he says “nothing,” you say, “okay, well, I need a bacon egg and cheese sandwich,” or whatever you eat, and literally leave and go get it. Go home.

    Next time, I would hope he has stocked his fridge with shit you like to eat. Tell him your favorite drinks and he should have some ready for you. Believe me, that’s how a nice, decent guy acts who is boyfriend material.

    Don’t push! Don’t apologize! Don’t joke or hint! Just say what you want and go take care of your needs. He should catch on quickly if he’s a nice person who cares.

    #880732 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Why would you “love to try again” with a dude who couldn’t be bothered to offer you something to eat or drink when you were staying at his home, sent you mixed signals about what he wanted, and then plain ghosted you? It does seem like he was really into the newness/intensity in the beginning, but when it started to wear off and you gave some signs of wanting something more he wasn’t interested. So he got distant and moody and then gave you shit for asking what was up. Instead of being up front and honest.

    If you find yourself attracted to that type of guy, consider counseling to get to the bottom of why. Also, be up front about what you want. If casual sex doesn’t work for you then don’t accept a situation where that’s what you’re getting. That sort of hookup culture is really common in hospitals (at least according to the several people I know who work in one), so knowing what works for you and what doesn’t is really important.

    #880733 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I would say his history with long distance and his inability to offer a bitch a sandwich or a beer are pretty strong evidence he’s not looking to be a boyfriend with all that involves.

    #880734 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Perhaps. But after trying to wade through that last WALL of blather that made up last post I gotta admit, I wouldn’t be offering very much either. He was probably simply too exhausted.

    #880735 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    He’s not too exhausted to have sex 3x in a night though.

    But yeah, LW needs to pull it together.

    #880736 Reply
    avatarAnne
    Guest

    Kate and golfergal- thank you so much your advice. What you said really hits home. I’ve been in relationships where I don’t like how much they text me and don’t consider myself to be extremely needy but the confusing parts about this guy mixed with this isolation and fascination for his looks and intelligence and charm probably pushed me over the edge to want to cling on. I can get too hopeful and romantic which is why I probably have a small desire to talk again. But the basics of not caring about my wellbeing when he knows I like to have breakfast, etc. is just disgusting when I think about it. I’ve been talking about how I needed paper towels for a week or so with him during this and it was funny how I could never find them and was done with my last roll and knew. I saw a HUGE thing of paper towels one morning staying over at his place when he opened the door to do his laundry. I said, wow that’s a lot of paper towels. He said yeah” parents Costco membership is amazing!” And never offered me any. The next day I was texting with one of my guy friends and he told me that if I needed anything like toilet paper it paper towels and him and his fiancé have plenty and to let them know if I needed any. I cried because the person I’m dating couldn’t even do this. It’s just weird because I have no issue connecting with friends and am pretty extroverted and am lucky to have so many connections but lately I keep picking the same type of guy like this.

    #880737 Reply
    avatarmellanthe
    Participant

    Talking about things is OK – important, even, in the right contexts. But it depends on the feeling and magnitude behind it. People can sense when “you OK?” is a light comment, and when it’s loaded with anxiety and you’re constantly worried about being broken up with. Sometimes it’s not about what you say but what’s behind it. Right now, it sounds like you’re a lot more involved than he is, emotionally. That’s not your fault – the early stages are a time when you both have to work out if you are on the same page. You’ve just been trying to navigate things as best as you can.

    Maybe he wasn’t ready to talk at the times you wanted to -without knowing the context we can’t say if he was just a normal guy acting normally and feeling tired, or a guy who wanted to weasel his way out of reasonable relationship talk – not everyone does well with reasonable questions. I think it’s interesting that you point out that your friends and family don’t like him and don’t feel he is being fair to you – they usually have a way of picking up things that we don’t want to admit.

    But when someone asks for space, they need to get it. And when they pull away you can ask to talk, and that’s about it. If he’s being distant, you can only talk if he wants to. It’s not your fault – perhaps you’re different. Perhaps you want different things right now. You can’t change how he will act, or whether he will decide that he needs a break. The signals he are sending suggest that he needs space and may not want to pursue things further. You can hope – that’s normal, but try not to spend too long pining away.

    You can’t change him, or how he responds, you can only work on yourself, and make sure that you can process your emotions. Reading the book is fine, but you need to put theory like that into practice – I really do recommend CBT particularly for worrying excessively, particularly if you can’t work with someone at this point in time.

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