Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should I contact him?

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  • This topic has 34 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 day, 8 hours ago by avatarKerri Parker.
Viewing 11 posts - 25 through 35 (of 35 total)
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  • #880738 Reply

    Get off the fucking cross and make your own god damn breakfast. If you want paper towels. ASK!

    PS — Your relentless desperate desire to constantly paint yourself as the victim here REALLY bodes well for future relationships.

    #880742 Reply

    That’s so inconsiderate. Yes, you need to just state what you need/want, but omg. That’s not normal or ok to have a 12 or 24-pack of paper towels and TP and not offer it to someone who needs it. Again, I’m no Mother Theresa, but we already had a lot of TP when isolation started, just because we always do. And then we found some more. The first person I thought of was the elderly guy upstairs who had back surgery in February and I hustled 4 rolls up there. I disagree with Mark that you should have to ask someone for their hoarded supplies. If they have plenty and know you have none, they should offer. That’s really thoughtless and selfish.

    #880744 Reply

    “I know I’m being a complete hopeless romantic thinking there’s a chance.”

    I think the question you should be asking is, why do you want a chance with him? If there’s anything this experience should have showed you, it’s that you’re not compatible, and continuing to try to make it work would make you both unhappy. He seems to have come to that conclusion, and that’s why he’s backed off. The only way you could make it work is if you both turned into different people with different personalities.

    Right now, you’re playing this mental game with yourself, doing things like “Well, he’d be great if he….” Fill in the blank. If he were more thoughtful. If he were more attentive. If he were more willing to have a lot of are-we-ok check-ins and Serious Talks.

    He’s not that person. And apparently, he’s not willing to be, since his reaction when you pressed was to back away from you instead of trying to fix things.

    I think it’d be a better use of your emotional energy to call it a day with this one and keep dating till you find someone who’s a better fit for you. Trying to mold him into the person you want him to be won’t work, and will make you miserable.

    #880748 Reply

    I would really highly recommend that you look into seeing a therapist if you find yourself always going for inconsiderate assholes. Something is wrong with what you find attractive in men. Your picker is busted. You seem desperate for answers from him, even when he’s been pretty clear that he wants space.

    And it’s not that smart, handsome men are all assholes, either. There are plenty of attractive, considerate, brilliant men out there.

    You literally just wrote about how he didn’t offer you paper towels and then you cried when a friend did…and you are still considering making it work. Why?

    And you just had to reach out again, even though everyone has told you to leave it alone.

    I also think this could be a really good time for you to connect with yourself. Work on your self esteem with a therapist and do things you enjoy that feed you. Don’t worry about finding a man. It’s not like you or anyone else can even really date right now, or should be. So take a break.

    And maybe just don’t date guys from work anymore? That seems like a good rule to follow.

    When the virus is over, you’ll be in a better headspace.

    #880750 Reply

    It is pretty alarming that whatever you told your family and friends about him painted him in a pretty bad light, and you can look back and point out all these times he didn’t treat you right, but you also want to try harder. That’s really something to explore with a professional.

    #880752 Reply

    To me, it is a grave disservice to this LW to say that the guy must be an asshole. She has some glaring stuff she can change here, for the next relationship or dating thing, and it does no good to blame someone else and not address one’s own issues. For example:

    “If by some crazy chance we do get together again I’m not sure if I should try to explain myself and talk again …”
    Gurl. He doesn’t like these talks! He told you that. Anyway, why would you hope for another chance with a guy who has essentially rejected you? There’s no such thing as “crazy chance.” There is you, with agency, deciding whom to date. He has basically turned you down a couple of times now. Have some self-respect.

    “I can get too hopeful and romantic which is why I probably have a small desire to talk again.”
    Gurl. You don’t have a “small desire to talk.” Be honest with yourself. And this isn’t romantic. This is co-dependent. Learn to put yourself first.

    His saying he’s tired and can’t talk means exactly that. He set a boundary and you didn’t honor it.

    I’m not on your back; I’m saying there’s some stuff you need to look at for when you start dating again.

    #880753 Reply

    FYi: I so, so agree.

    #880754 Reply

    And the whole sobbing over the paper towels? Um… Seriously. Get a grip. There a million red flags here. All from the LW.

    #880759 Reply

    I don’t think he sounds like an asshole, or more honestly- I would find all of this exhausting and I would probably be labeled an asshole. I can be an asshole sometimes. I also think we might have an unreliable narrator since she doesn’t seem very self aware. Like she’s hyper aware of what behavior he is lacking, but doesn’t seem to understand where she has aggressively overreached his simple boundaries and how truly odd that is. If I told someone I didn’t want to talk and they called me right then to examine my feelings, I would not be happy. That’s seems more egregious than not offering breakfast (which I think was probably a low key way to get her to go find her own breakfast…)

    No grown adult wants to be a relationship mind reader. If you’re hungry or thirsty or want something, the quickest way to get that is to ask. Yes, most hosts are gracious and considerate, but not everyone is. And especially a doctor, right now…I can see how checking in with you about your needs frequently isn’t going to happen. Some people just do not have the habit or social courtesy to cater to every need. Some people lose that when they are in high stress situations. Some people even have grown up without having learned good manners.

    There’s nothing she can do about this guy other than to leave him alone and stop pushing. She can work on her own self esteem and communication skills.

    #880763 Reply

    Yeah, whether he is a good person is kind of besides the point. He’s not for her. He’s not world’s best host but it’s hard to really separate his withdrawn behavior from her endless boundary crossing. I think that she needs to back off from dating and get therapy and then find someone who is a better fit personally even if he doesn’t meet her high standards for looks and intelligence.

    #881358 Reply

    Right. He could be an asshole, or not. But you definitely aren’t picking guys who are a good fit. You need someone more nurturing- a guy who likes taking care of you. A guy who will pick up on your non-asks like “I couldn’t find paper towels at the store,” and see that as an opportunity to find you paper towels. They’re out there- my partner is one, and it’s great.

    But I’m still concerned about your own lack of agency here. Even the most thoughtful man in the world won’t anticipate all your needs or read all your signals. A secure person in a secure relationship would see those paper towels, not assume ill intent, and say “hey, remember how I’m out? How many rolls can I take?” You could wake up in the morning and say “I’m hungry – can we make breakfast, or are you taking me to ihop?” You could say “hey, I’m thirsty too! Could you bring me a water?” You wouldn’t assume his lack of thought about something demonstrated his lack of caring for you.

    To be clear, I still think this guy was thoughtless and not the right person for you. But make sure you’re feeling more secure when you head into your next relationship and you should be able to interpret those signals more objectively. Good luck!

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