Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should I continue to wait?

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  • This topic has 12 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 months ago by bittergaymarkBittergaymark.
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  • #869590 Reply
      My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years and living together for 2. I have one child and he has 2. The kids are very close and consider themselves as siblings. Every time I bring up marriage and even a proposal he completely changes the subject or ignores me all together. I’m currently taking college classes and will not be done for another year and have explained to him many times I wouldn’t want to get married until after I graduate. I have asked him why we cant get engaged soon and just have a long engagement but he always says that he’s just not ready and when I ask him what he means by that he says he doesnt know.
      I have tried to explain to him that him not being willing to talk about marriage is making me doubt our relationship and myself. I dont know how to explain it to him other than I love him so much that I would do anything to show him how much he means to me but I dont feel like he would do the same for me. As stupid as it may sound I would have married him after our first month of dating him because I have felt he was the one for me.
      I am terrified that he is never going to be “ready” to marry me and that I’ve spent all of this time loving someone who will never love me back the same way. I think I should mention that on our 1st date I made it clear that I wanted marriage and he said he did as well. I just dont know how long I should wait and I guess I feel that he should at least be willing to discuss marriage at this point.
    #869593 Reply

    I think you need to have a talk with him about marriage. Get away for a dinner or something with I distractions and make a plan with him about how it will work. Cover as much as possible , pregnancy, work, family events, everything you need to have a good relationship leading to marriage. Listen to what he says and attempt to come to a compromise that will satisfy you both. Of you can’t reach an agreement move on. Everyone has some deal breakers.

    #869611 Reply

    After 3 1/2 years he knows wether or not he wants to marry you or not. The answer is no. If marriage is what you want he is not the guy.

    #869618 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    If he ever wanted to marry you, he’d be willing to at least discuss it after 3 1/2 years. He already has what he wants – living together without the legal and financial commitment of marriage. It’s very highly unlikely he will ever propose to you, I’m sorry.

    #869625 Reply

    If you aren’t getting what you need from the relationship then it’s time to make an exit plan. The situation as it exists is likely perfect for him. He has you, and you probably take care of most of the house and child activities and if he doesn’t like it, he can walk away at any time.

    He’s given you his answer. Time to listen to what he’s (not) saying.

    #869639 Reply

    Yeah, I would agree he would know by now. He doesn’t want to get married. He doesn’t want to talk about it because he knows you don’t want the same things. If marriage is what you want, you need to move on. I’m sorry. Did you talk about this before you moved in together?

    #869651 Reply

    If he wanted to marry you, he would have. He doesn’t want to. You know that. He likes things well enough the way they are now, but won’t promise it’ll be permanent.

    So, now you have a decision. Either accept that it may not last forever, and enjoy it for as long as it does, or cut the ties now. The fact that your kids are so close certainly complicates things.

    #869656 Reply

    Please don’t let the fact your kids are close keep you in this relationship. I was incredibly close to my first stepbrother, and he was like a brother to my siblings and me. My dad and my stepmother ended up getting divorced, and while it was sad, it was not the end of the world we were separated. It is now about 30 years later, and we are still in touch.

    I know it sucks, but as everyone has said, the guy does not want to get married. What sucks even more is that he doesn’t have the balls to just tell you. I mean, his non-answer is speaking loud and clear, but by not answering, he’s giving you hope. I would say that if he had given you an honest answer that he didn’t want to get married, and you decided you could live with it, maybe you could make it work. But, he’s stringing you along, and that is not something you do to someone you love and respect.

    #869659 Reply

    If a guy is ambivalent or confusing, especially at this stage, the answer is no. He probably knows you would leave if he told you he truth.

    #869667 Reply

    I agree with everybody else. He decided quite a while ago that he doesn’t want to marry you. He also knows why he decided that and knows that you would leave if he told you. The likeliest reason is that he is still holding onto the belief that he can do better and thinks marrying you would be settling. I would not bet on his actually being monogamous while he’s been with you.

    #869686 Reply

    The guy I’ve been seeing for three months has already talked about marriage. Not in a serious, exact time frame way. But we’ve had the general, ‘this is my goal for a relationship way.’ He won’t even talk to you about it, he isn’t going to. I am sorry, but you need to find someone who wants the same things as you do.

    #869704 Reply

    “… he always says that he’s just not ready and when I ask him what he means …”

    That IS what he means. He’s not ready. He already told you. You didn’t want to hear it, so you’re pretending like there’s more to it than that. He isn’t ready for marriage to you. And that doesn’t mean he will be ready someday. Three years is long enough to know.

    The more concerning thing — much more concerning — is that you say you’ll do anything for him and that you could’ve married him within one month. That’s not love. That’s insecurity. I mean, one month? Have you no standards? You barely knew him. I know, I know, you’re protesting that it really is love, but it isn’t. You have a KID. Again, fix your picker. Aim higher. Show your kid what self-worth looks like.

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