Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should I date the jailbird?

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Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 57 total)
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  • #841802 Reply

    His committing a violent crime is something which should concern you. At the minimum you should want to fully understand it. The information should be public knowledge. Search newspapers for articles on the crime, his arrest, his trial, his sentencing. That should give you a lot of background history on his criminal record, what exactly he was charged with, how he explained himself to t he judge. I think you should be able to obtain a transcript of the trial, at least to be able to look at and read in a court house. Learn what, if any, restrictions will be imposed upon him when he leaves prison and for how long.

    #841817 Reply

    He committed a violent crime. If you had that information on day one what would you have done? You are assuming a lot of things. About how he has changed. About his values. About his future. He is still in jail. You don’t KNOW those things about him. You just have what he has told you. You have no proof of any of that ….because you can’t. Not until about 10 years from now.
    What you actually know is he is capable of violent crime. How would you feel if your mother was the victim of that type of crime? Or you? Or your child? Because that is what he did to someone.
    Dating a felon is the gold standard of a saviour complex. I advise you to move on. You have your own issues. This is not the man for you. Find someone who meets you on equal footing. This man will never be able to do that.

    #841822 Reply

    Have you reflected on what it takes to commit a violent crime? That’s not something just any human being is capable of doing. Outside of a life or death situation, I personally could never use violence or even the threat of violence against anyone, not even a stranger. This man may not be able to change. He may lack fundamental qualities like empathy and compassion that can’t be learned. He may be someone who always has the capacity for violence inside of him. He might reoffend. If you get into a bad fight, he might use his capacity for violence on you. Perhaps with a lot of hard work (on his part), he could be rehabilitated, but prison isn’t known for being a nurturing environment that facilitates that kind of change. If he’s just gotten out, he’s got a long way to go.

    In a relationship, you date someone because of who they are, not because of who you want them to be or who you think they are capable of being. He is someone who is capable of violent crime. Really think about that.

    #841823 Reply

    I am trying to figure out if you are just self-destructive, beyond stupid, or have somehow a negative grasp of common sense. The answer is no.

    #841826 Reply

    It’s really intriguing that you can say he’s being totally forthright, answering all your questions about the violent crime he committed YET he waited until a week before he was scheduled to surrender himself to his prison sentence to tell you the truth. He manipulated you. He still is.

    You are willing to overlook so many VERY ALARMING things for this man. Why?

    I honestly think you should probably stop contacting him for a while and contact a therapist to get some clarity of why you have this savior complex. You can’t fix him. You can’t decide he’s the person he wants to be, the person he isn’t yet, the person he may never be. You have to be okay with what he is now- a violent criminal still in prison. He admits to making stupid decisions, but he hurt someone, pretty badly it sounds like. It actually turns my stomach that you are so casual in regards to this. What happened to the victim?

    Would someone who is really trying to change their ways, their life…be on tinder looking for casual relationships?


    Lying by omission for months before telling you he’s going to prison do a year?

    I don’t think so. I think a man who was truly repentant would be doing other things.

    #841835 Reply
    Bon VivantBon Vivant

    And @Trinitee, your Pollyanna-like view of how he will be perceived and treated once out of prison isn’t helping you. Sure, privacy laws may vary, but I find it hard to believe that he will just sashay out of prison and carry on as if he had been on an extended vacation.

    #841838 Reply

    Love clearly makes most people fucking delusional.

    #841846 Reply

    I think it more a matter of prolonged absence of love makes many people desperately clutch at the dregs that come along. Clearly, she feels an attraction/chemistry for this guy, which she didn’t feel for the prior guys she dated. Perhaps the whiff of danger is an aphrodisiac.

    #841848 Reply

    Far too many people view relationships as the ultimate fixer-upper projects.

    #841857 Reply

    I think many people want to be that Jesus-like hate the sin, love the sinner ideal that is so easy to say and so stupid in my opinion. Love the sinner does not mean tie yourself to someone who is a criminal.

    For me the nature of the crime is key. Did he steal money from the mob? Run. Did he protect money for the mob and didn’t squeal? Probably run? Did he hack into the Pentagon servers using an old cell phone and a paper clip? Don’t bother running because you were probably chipped while you were sedated at the dentist or something.

    #841860 Reply

    What to watch for. You really see the core person when you see how they handle stress. If you continue to be in contact with him wait and see how he handles stressful situations. Watch to see if he can get a job and if he can support himself. If he can’t get a job does he turn to the old gang? Can he hold a job? That will show if he is dependable and reliable. If you were to get in a long term relationship with him would you be able to count on him being there when needed. Would he provide income or would you need to support him. Would he keep calm when things were going wild or stressful? If he was around kids would he be gentle and kind and thoughtful or would he shout and/or hit or belittle or in some other way be abusive?

    The only way to see his real character is to stand back and watch for years.

    #841862 Reply

    “But now, I’m not sure I want to. The last few people I dated seriously all ended because I couldn’t figure out how I was feeling or too scared to act on how I was feeling. This time that isn’t an issue. I feel like I owe it to myself to let my heart lead instead of my head for once. But at the same time these circumstances are completely different.”

    I think on an intellectual level you know this is not an objectively wise idea but you are drawn to it. You’ve made it clear this man is currently filling an emotional support need you have at this time (and being unemployed and not knowing what is coming next must have been stressful, what a nice break it must have felt like to have someone to spend time with during that stress!). At the same time it seems clear you don’t trust yourself or feel very confident outside of a “bubble”. Dating someone in prison offers a kind of safety in that he has limited options and agency, and perhaps nowhere to go but up. In some ways maybe that feels safe because it’s more manageable than how you handle stress and lack of decisiveness in close, intimate relationships with people who have less constraints?

    You know that having the attention of someone who has nothing positive and no one else competing for it gives you some power and maybe makes you feel safe continuing to have someone rather than no one to write? I’d figure out some coping mechanisms for whatever is making you think you can’t handle having a relationship with someone who has their shit together.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 57 total)
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