Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should I date the jailbird?

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Viewing 9 posts - 49 through 57 (of 57 total)
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  • #841924 Reply

    She did say it was not sexual assault.

    #841927 Reply

    The thing about him turning a corner and bettering himself, he moved and started going to school. That’s maybe a shred of progress. I think if he was in therapy or in anger management you would have mentioned that. It’s sounds like he blames his gang or whatever. He made the choice. He committed the act.

    I believe criminals can be reformed but welcoming a criminally violent man into your life with open arms is foolish. Especially one who lies. Especially one who manipulates.

    #841931 Reply

    You have seriously dated people before and broke up with them. People without baggage.

    You don’t have to hang on to this guy like it is your last shot at a relationship. And rationalize your decision with sociological considerations.

    Just break up now. I am sure you will find someone in future without all this baggage.

    #841932 Reply

    Maybe this is very American of me, but I am still a strong believer in personal responsibility.

    I do believe in systematic inequality, I do believe that explains the lack of social mobility and higher rates of stuff like poverty or criminal behavior in certain populations compared to others. I 100% believe the capitalistic economic and criminal justice systems in the Western world are stacked against some people and not others.

    I am not ignorant of sociological theories and there implications. I know what institutional racism is. I am familiar with what social capital is and what it means to have or not have access to it – I wrote a whole thesis on it.

    THAT SAID, people still have free will, you know? Not everyone who grew up with your friend has followed the same path he did, right? Just because he’s had a shit start at life that makes some paths much harder for him than they are for people like you or me does not excuse him from some of the individual choices he’s made along the way.

    I absolutely believe that people are capable of change, of growth, of restorative justice. But that’s two sides of a coin right? If we are capable of changing our patterns and engaging in “good” behavior, we are also accountable for our bad behavior.

    This man may be capable of change. But he is SO early in his journey, if that’s the journey he is on, you have no guarantees here. He’s already lied to you in a pretty substantial way.

    He’s in a pretty artificial environment right now – it’s easier to be better when you have a lot of structure around you. Prison is stressful, I have no doubt, but he’s also in a weird bubble not having to confront the daily stresses of supporting himself and being cut off from the sorts of people and situations he floundered in.

    You need to tread very very careful here, and don’t let your ideals about how you think the world works cloud the reality of what’s happening in front of you.

    #841946 Reply
    avatarRuby Tuesday

    I think @bgm got it right the first time with “No.”

    #841987 Reply

    You said you try to judge people on who you see in front of you, as opposed to their past etc. but the thing is, what you have right now in front of you is a man who’s in prison. That is not his past, it is very much his present. What you will have when he gets out is still someone who just got out of prison and is in need of rehabilitation. That person is not ready for a serious relationship. I agree with whoever said that if in 5 years he’s well established in his new life and has left the gang life behind him, then you could reconsider this. But not now.

    You’re not the only one with a backround in social sciences, but you’re the only one who’s trying to rationalize the macro level of someone else’s social reality and backround to your own personal micro reality in order to justify your emotions. In deciding what’s actually good for you personally, psychology is a lot more applicable science than sociology ever could be, and that’s coming from someone who absolutely loves sociology.

    #841989 Reply

    Oh, and if you’re thinking about all the hot sex you’ve had with him, wait until he’s out of prison and you’re the one he leans on everything in order to get his life on track. I guarantee you that playing his caretaker is going to kill every bit of the sexual energy you used to have. Unless you’re into that sort of thing sexually, of course.

    #841997 Reply

    I agree there’s going to be a huge difference between sex with a guy on a one-day leave from prison and everyday sex with a guy whose life you’re trying to rebuild.

    Also, unrelated question: has he told you he’d like to be in a relationship with you when he gets out?

    #842338 Reply

    Curious if op has any updates

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