Should I end things for good with my girlfriend and move out?
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Me (female, 23) and my gf have been together for almost 2 years and live together. The last couple of months have been really hard on our relationship because she has really bad depression. I’ve always been really supporting and did everything I could to help her and be there for her, so much it started affecting my own mental health and my performance at college. I study full time and have 2 jobs. When I get home I do the house chores and I’m always making sure I do the right thing or say the right thing because I’m scared of triggering her and starting an argument or make her feel bad. The last couple of weeks I started noticing I was really exhausted but I keep acting like everything was okay and kept supporting her.
2 weeks ago we had an argument and she told me she doesn’t love me anymore and wanted to break up. So we broke up. The next day she called me crying telling me she did love me but needed a break to be able to get help and work on herself so some day she can give me back everything I give her.
She always tells me I make her feel guilty because I do everything for her and I’m always understanding with her and she can’t do the same thing for me. When I express my feelings and my needs she feels bad that she cannot give me what I need in that moment and gets mad. She wrote me a long letter expressing these feelings and in that letter she confessed she did have a dumb crush on someone I suspected at some point. I asked her months ago and multiple times directly if she has a crush on this person and she always said no. She admitted it on this letter and said she always felt guilty for not being honest.
After the letter we talked again and we decided we were still not going to be together even though we love each other, it was better for us to heal separately and then when we’re ready try it again. She said she loves me and wanted to show me what I deserve and give me everything back. I even showed understanding with the crush situation. I said that in bad situations we search for distractions from our problems and that crush was probably her way of trying to escape her struggles. So we decided to keep living together and the last couple of days we even cuddled and kissed and continued talking about the situation but acting like we’re together without being officially together.
She promised she was going to avoid contact with the person she has a crush on and eventually cut it off. I believed her and gave her one more chance to trust her. Yesterday I was on my phone and saw an Instagram notification. (I have her Instagram on my phone because we had to log in from my phone one time and I just never logged off but without any bad intention, I never went on it). I saw a message from her crush and I asked her if she initiated the conversation, at first she said no and then she admitted she sent her a meme. I was a bit mad and felt betrayed. When I calmed myself I explained to her how it made me feel and asked her to not initiate the conversations. I even said she doesn’t have to ignore her if she texts first and she can slowly break the contact but I asked her to not initiate the contact as it made me feel like a literal clown if she one minute kisses me and then 1 hour later sends her crush a meme on Instagram KNOWING she has a crush and how it makes me feel.
She got mad and said she was breaking the contact with her for me and she was gonna do it her own way and on her own pace and that it doesn’t involve me in any sense. She also said she did not understand why it bothers me if she kisses me and later texts her crush. (Btw when she admitted to having the crush she said it didn’t mean anything anymore so I asked yesterday again if she still has a crush and she said idk). I asked if she was going to still meet up with her if the occasion arises and she said she was not gonna ask her but if her crush asks her to hang she was going to do it and couldn’t say no. I said of course she can say no, she knows how it makes me feel and she knows this person from only a few months and I cannot understand how that’s more important than what it makes me feel, her gf of almost 2 years who has been doing nothing but everything to be there for her. She said she couldn’t say no because her crush thinks they are friends and she can’t just cut the contact off and leave her wondering what happened.
So I guess what her “friend” thinks is more important than how it makes me feel? This whole situation makes me feel like I’m being toxic and I never wanted to be the person who is like “you can’t see this person” that’s why I said break the contact slowly, just don’t initiate it. Also for some context it’s important to mention that when we started dating she had recently broken up with her ex and she hid the she wasn’t over it and she wanted to stay in touch with her ex and we had a thousand arguments about this and she knew how it made me feel but I never told her she couldn’t and even nowadays they are still in touch and I just accepted it. But I’m just not gonna go through this again, not for some stupid crush.
I do believe she loves me, she has a real issue with letting people go, she has some abandonment issues from her childhood and I do know when she lies and when she’s being truthful. That’s why I knew she had a crush and I knew she wasn’t over her ex at the beginning but I gave her time and space and I do believe she doesn’t feel anything for her ex anymore and I do believe her when she says she will eventually cut the contact off with her crush. But I’m really tired of doing everything on her terms and being the one who always compromises. Just the fact that she would meet her knowing how it makes me feel tells me enough. For me it’s still very difficult because I still love her and we live together and the jobs I have are near where I live but I can’t keep lacking in my studies.
So I’m thinking about ending things with her 100%, move in back with my parents, leave the jobs and concentrate in my studies and my own mental health if I wanna make it past this semester. What do you guys think?
Yes, please end things with her 100% and move back in with your parents. Your relationship has run its course and is becoming increasingly toxic. It’s depleting you of your energy and even any positive feelings towards this person you say you love. It sounds like it’s expensive to be in this relationship too (when you could live at home potentially rent-free, quit your jobs, and focus on school until your graduate).
Not all relationships are meant to last. In fact, most aren’t. Especially at your age. It’s not a failure to end this one and move on. It’s smart and proactive and wide to leave a situation that no longer serves you and one that you can’t see a happy future in on the track you’re currently on. Who knows – maybe one day you will try again. But you both need your own space and to take care of yourselves, outside the demands of a challenging relationship. It will hurt, but you won’t regret prioritizing your well-being.
Agree with Wendy, and yourself! You know what you need to do.
She’s been lying, engaging in flirtations you have asked her to stop (and she agreed to!)…how exactly has she shown you that she loves you, in words, actions, behaviors of any kind? Why do you think you are so fully supporting someone who treats you this way?
Yup – 100% agree it is time to move on. There is an apt saying “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”
You can still love someone but know the relationship isn’t going to work out. You don’t have to hate someone to break up.
It must have felt good to write all of that out. Have you reread it? If not, you should, because it’s very clear that you already know what you need and want to do here. It’s wonderful that you can see the difference between supporting someone struggling with depression, and allowing yourself to be treated poorly. There are a lot of people older than you who can’t find that line.
Generally, anytime you’re asking yourself “should I end things?” about a relationship, the answer will be yes.
Good luck with your studies!
