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Dear Wendy

“Should I Fight to Get Him Back?”

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  • #873810 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    “So, I’m just going to get to it…

    I met someone, he was a great guy – Kind, caring, funny, gentlemanly, etc. I met him through work. We were friends for a while (because he had a long time girlfriend back home – ~7 years). Early last year he made a play for me at a company party, which I gave into because I really did like him. I came to find out that night, his girlfriend back home had cheated on him and ended the relationship – despise his attempts to work on it. From this moment forward, we entered into a casual relationship. Remember, he and I still worked together, so it was quite difficult, but at the same time, it was fun sneaking around. We both didn’t think much of it, other than just two friends/coworkers hooking up every so often. That is, until we started getting feelings for each other. I started first, I had realized 5 months in, I really have a thing for this guy and I wanted to date him. He was high up on the chain at work and didn’t want this to mess with his reputation so I understood. We had many conversations about this and some nights it did get heated because I wanted to know what we were doing here if it wasn’t long term. Still we continued, however as of recently, I no longer work at the company.

    I decided that we should have a talk. As of a few days ago, we were still randomly hooking up and we have so much fun together whether it be when we go out with friends or when we go out just us, everything just worked with him and I. Since I no longer work at the company, I asked him what is holding him back from going to the next step and exclusively dating, it seemed like a no brainer. His response is really what has me shook/worried. It went something along the lines of “I’m not ready to be in a relationship yet. I have an idea of what I am looking for in my next relationship and I just don’t feel like I 100% see it with you. If I did, I wouldn’t be hesitating and I just don’t know if its something that doesn’t exist or if I am being silly, but I just think that if I knew for sure, I wouldn’t have a doubt.”

    Easy to say, I was broken. I left him on that day and immediately blocked his number and removed him from social media platforms because I just couldn’t think of what else to do! I think I was in love with him because everything I started doing after this conversation reminded me of him. How I would never see him again in that way, how we would never speak of the same inside jokes we had, how we will never end up finishing that movie we started the other night, etc. Because we worked together, I saw him daily and now..? I won’t see him at all.

    I guess the reason I ended up searching online for self help articles was to see if there is a point to trying to get him back. Do I have a chance? Is there a way? Does he just need more time? Is there something that I am not seeing here?”

    #873816 Reply

    Get him back, why? Does he suddenly “100% see it with you” now?

    Give him credit for being honest with you. He wants something different than you do. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. That doesn’t mean you won’t be sad. But, it does mean that he isn’t going to give you what you want out of a relationship.

    Take time to grieve and heal. Then, when you’re ready, you can try to find someone who has similar wants and goals for a relationship as you.

    #873819 Reply

    I can’t think of anything more off-putting to the guy than your “fighting to get him back.” What would that even look like? There’s no way it would come off as anything but desperate.

    #873820 Reply

    No, you shouldn’t try to get him back. There is probably not really a chance at all. Time isn’t going to change it, because you’ve already spent a lot of time with him. He told you that you’re not what he’s looking for.

    I’m sorry, it really sucks when someone doesn’t like you back. The best thing is to try to focus on the future and move forward. Keep him blocked and try to redirect your thoughts when you think of him. Spend time with friends, distract yourself with hobbies, exercise, whatever you’re into. Be good to yourself.

    #873821 Reply

    You can’t get back what you never had. It was, as you said, a casual hookup between coworkers. It’s not like he was your boyfriend, and it doesn’t sound like he ever expressed any interest in being your boyfriend. Except that maybe you interpreted (wished) his wanting to have sex and hang out as wanting to be a couple?

    But anyway, what would “fight to get him back” look like? Begging him to be your boyfriend? Pleading with him to love you? You can’t make someone feel what they don’t feel.

    You were friends with benefits. You wanted more, he didn’t. It’s completely understandable that you feel sad, and you did the right thing by blocking him and un-following him. It’s good that you don’t work together anymore, that’ll make things easier.

    #873832 Reply
    Kate B.Kate B.

    Absolutely not. When you pursue someone who has told you that they are not interested in having a relationship with you, that’s called stalking. He gave you an honest answer, be respectful of that. You did the right thing by blocking him, now move on with your life.

    #873842 Reply

    LW be proud that you had the courage to end things when you weren’t getting what you deserve from the relationship….i know it hurts now, but you will get over this guy….and the bonus is now that you are away from him it won’t keep you from meeting someone with the potential to develop something real with….i had to end things with someone similar to this….it took months to get over….what helped me was focussing on what was wrong with the relationship….his flaws (no one is perfect) and all the bad ways he made me feel….in those moments when i felt weak or like reaching out to him that is what helped me be strong and to instead focus on myself and what is best for me in the long run

    #873853 Reply

    OMG no. He doesn’t want to be with you. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. You two have had “many conversations” about this over the past (I’m assuming) months and his answer has been the same every time. Maybe his work reputation was a good excuse while you were co-workers, but now the circumstances have changed but his answer has not. (On this note, were neither of you concerned about YOUR work reputation!? Getting involved with a higher up at work is usually not the best idea.)

    What you feel right now is normal with a break-up. You’re sad. You feel rejected. You miss him. It sucks and hurts, and for that I’m sorry, but you have to accept that he’s simply not interested in a relationship with you. Any kind of “fighting to get him back” is going to look extremely desperate, and it’s not going to work. Now you treat yourself with kindness, build yourself back up, and, when you’re ready, look for someone who wants the same thing you do.

    #873854 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    When someone is honest enough to tell you he doesn’t see a future with you, let alone an actual relationship, believe him and be grateful for all the time and energy he’s saving you! You did the right thing moving on. Now, keep moving forward and not backward. He’s not the one for you and you both know it.

    #873858 Reply

    I once fell for an FWB too. Hard. And it took me way too long to detach myself from the situation. And yes, it hurt. I was absolutely miserable for a while. But every day it got better. Every day I saw more and more how unhealthy it had been. I spent so much emotional energy trying to get him to love me I had started to lose myself. Once I got away, really away, it felt amazing. And it allowed me to open my heart up to a good friend of mine not long after. We’re still together five years later and I’m still wildly in love. The best part? He loves me too.

    You deserve love. Real love. And you deserve someone that can give that to you with his whole heart. He can’t. It’s sad and I’m sorry. But you are doing the right thing walking away and going no contact. Absolutely do not try to get him back. You will only end up getting hurt more.

    Stay strong. It will get better. I’ve been there.

    #874550 Reply

    1. I’m really sorry, sis, but you never ‘had’ him. By your own admission, you were ‘friends with benefits*’ and he never wanted more, and you went along with that. So, on paper, it was sex and not much else, always.

    2. He’s told you he doesn’t see a future for him with you. I know this is hard – I’ve been in the unrequited position far more oftent han I’ve been loved back. But please believe him. It’s what he feels. Why would he lie about this? It’d be much easier to string you along.

    3. he chose his career over dating you. You’d been together in some capacity – either as friends or clandestine lovers for months and months at this point – if he had felt there was any chance of a real relationship with you, he would have made a go of it, or talked with you about how you could both work at different places so it’d no longer be an issue.

    4. You can’t make someone want to be with you if they’ve told you they don’t see a future with you. But I’m proud of you for taking control, and choosing to walk away when it was clear he could not give you what you needed. It was tough, but it was the right thing to do.

    *Incidentally, this is why I never recommend FWB unless you can 100% guarantee you or the other peson won’t catch feels. It’s not cos I’m anti sex – knock yourselves out! Who am I to judge. I think a good fling can do wonders for people. But FWB? I’ve seen it go wrong too many times, or too many people who cling on for years, having been told many times that no relationship is on the cards. Because the sex and the chemistry was so good, usually that they kept on hoping the other person woyld realise how special it all was, except they never do.

    I’ve seen to many people get burnt. I’m sorry it’s happened to you – it’s not your fault at all. Life just sucks sometimes. It hurts, and it’s going to feel really sore for a while. But when you’re ready, I’m sure you’ll find someone who loves you back.

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