“Should I Give Him an Ultimatum?”
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From a LW:
“I’ve been in a relationship for two years with a 41 year old man no kids and I’m 35 with 3 kids. When I met him he was working a dead end job and no car. I had to push him to get a better job in which he eventually did. He makes pretty good money at his new job but has a very hard time saving money . I also had to push him to get a car and eventually he did. I really love this guy alot and we have such a great time together but here are a few of my concerns …1) He is a truck driver and he doesn’t have his own place his lives with his parents 2) He is emotionally immature and unavailable and anytime I want to have an adult conversation with him about about taking the next step marriage or buying a house he is all for it , but when I mention us being a family unit he says he doesn’t want to talk about it. But I’m telling him in order for us to take the next step he needs to step in and build that relationship piece with my 3 children 3) I always have to motivate him to do better which is annoying because he lacks so much motivation. He wants the finer things in life but won’t take the necessary steps to get there. 4) He doesn’t cook and he will wait for me to make something or if I don’t he will just go and buy fast food.
Some great qualities about him is he is caring , he loves me alot and it shows as he spends all his free time with me at my house . Im just wondering if I should give him an ultimatum to step it up or just call it quits.”
You sound like his mom, not his girlfriend. I’d call it quits.
Also, I’m not saying he doesn’t love you, but it’s not shocking he’s at your house all the time… he doesn’t have his own place!!
Yes, he doesn’t want to be their dad because he’s a kid himself. He can’t parent anyone. You are younger than him and taking care of him. He isn’t the one.
Don’t become his mommy.
You’ve invested time and effort to improve someone else’s life. That’s great – but it seems he would have been just as happy to stay where he was. Now you’re trying again to “improve” his life by trying to make him into something he’s not. He’s not motivated, he’s not eager to grow up. He’s not going to be a responsible partner. He is going to happily take all of the meals, all of the money, all of the care and he will never ever return an equal level of care or effort. Ever. He will give you the bare minimum because that’s who he is. I bet his mom cleans their house and he barely lifts a finger to keep things maintained.
You are always going to be pushing this guy up the hill, he is never going to change his stripes and suddenly understand that if he wants something he has to work for it. He’s never going to wake up one day and say “wow, she does so much for me, I’m going to be a responsible functional adult for her.” He’s going to expect you to carry him through the ups and downs because that’s what you’re doing now.
If he changed nothing about himself or his life would you stay? If no, then it’s time to MOA and find someone that you don’t have to “train”.
You are learning there’s a limit to how much you can fix a guy you see as a fixer-upper. It seems you liked zilch about the original him and have changed a few things but still find him unsatisfactory. Not a knock on you, I think most would find him unsatisfactory. MOA, for the sake of yourself, him, and your kids. If you look at this logically, he ticked zero of your boxes, definitely doesn’t want to parent your kids, or apparently to marry you, but you want all of that, plus ambition and cooking skills he lacks. Yikes!
One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was, “Never stay with someone for their potential.” Phrased differently, if you knew everything would stay exactly as it is today for 5 more years, or 10 more years, would you still want to be in this relationship?
Because the fact is, he has shown you who he is and you keep thinking you can change him. How would YOU like to be with someone who insisted that you needed to change yourself for them to be happy with you? You’d probably feel hurt and insulted.
This guy isn’t ambitious and motivated, he doesn’t want to be a stepdad, and he doesn’t share your values about money. He thinks you should do most of the work in the relationship while he only has to have fun.
You can love someone and have fun with them and still be incompatible in a serious, long-term relationship. You and he are not compatible and you’ll spend the rest of your lives making each other miserable — you’ll resent him for not pulling his weight in the relationship and he’ll resent you for trying to change who he is. End things now when you can part amicably and your children don’t get more attached than they already are.
