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Dear Wendy

Should I go on a date with a guy that has been pursuing me for a while?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Should I go on a date with a guy that has been pursuing me for a while?

  • This topic has 10 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarLisforLeslie.
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  • #962650 Reply
    avatarBex
    Guest

    I have known this man a while, we used to work together. About 5 years ago he messaged me to say he had always liked me but I had a boyfriend back then when we worked together. He asked me out but at that time 5 years ago I was not interested in dating after a horrible break up and abuse. He has a child, he is 36 but I know he has some mental health issues that he has been very open to me about and some alcohol issues. He messages me on occasions and asks how I am and if I’m still single and if I want to meet. I avoid the “do you want to meet?” question as I’m unsure of his intentions. He’s an attractive man and I’m sure has plenty of female admirers. I have asked him what is he looking for, he says he’s not looking to just have sex with women he wants a real relationship. But I don’t know if I believe him plus a huge thing is his alcoholism. He has said he is/had got help with it but I see on social media that he is at the pub on a regular basis. What do I believe and should I just not bother with him? Any advice welcome xxxx

    #962653 Reply
    avatarBetty
    Guest

    I would be open about your concerns–he is pursuing you which puts you in a position of power. Tell him you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who is a current alcoholic. If he tells you that he has gotten/is getting help, tell him you are concerned because he posts a lot about being in pubs. If he is truly interested in you then he will be open to this conversation. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings–not letting him know why you aren’t interested is also hurting his feelings. If he gets defensive then he is not in the right head space for a relationship with you.

    #962655 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    He has a child, mental health issues and is an alcoholic.

    You never mentioned once if you were interested in him, or attracted to him. He honestly sounds like a bit of a mess and you already are suspicious of him and his intentions.

    Not letting him know why you aren’t interested in him is not hurting his feelings. You don’t owe him or anyone else any explanation.

    #962658 Reply
    avatarCheryl
    Guest

    I’d steer clear as someone with mental health issues myself. If he has issues with alcohol then the mental health is not treated and manifesting itself in alcohol. The fact is, we don’t make good partners and relationships can Infact trigger us. I don’t think you can handle the responsibility of being with someone Ill. You are better off leaving him alone and moving on. If I was attracted to a guy and he offered his friendship, I wouldn’t do it. I’d be like you can get over yourself about now! A true man would stay single and be your friend through the support but I wouldn’t ask someone to do that.

    #962659 Reply
    avatarBex
    Guest

    I don’t agree with never being in a relationship with someone that doesn’t have mental health issues because you are talking about pretty much 80 percent of the population. I do however think if you have a mental health issue you need to get help as I have done and I stayed clear of any relationship. I’m not perfect as I get very anxious and self critical still but it’s a working progress. I do agree yes he needs to sort his life out before he starts a relationship. Him having a child doesn’t bother me really, it’s mainly the alcohol issue and he has PTSD from being a Royal Marine for years.
    Thank you for your comments xxx

    #962661 Reply
    avatarOracle
    Guest

    This is one of those “if you have to ask”. Run.

    #962664 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    The real big thing I noticed was that you did not mention one good thing about him in your post. Not one.

    #962669 Reply
    avatarSarah
    Guest

    Outside of him being somewhat attractive and having pursued you for so long, do you have any other reasons for going on a date with him? Do you like spending time with him? Does he make you laugh, feel comfortable, enjoy life a bit more, etc.? I wouldn’t just agree to go on a date just because he’s been asking for a while if you don’t also, to a certain degree, like him back and actively do want to go on a date with him.

    #962718 Reply
    avatarBetty
    Guest

    Just clarifying: you do not owe him anything, and if you hurt his feelings, so be it. I was just trying to say that you should not avoid a difficult conversation just because you are worried about hurting his feelings. If you want to avoid a difficult conversation because you are not interested, that is fine!

    #962720 Reply
    avatarSleepless
    Participant

    Do you like him and would you like to see if things could develop into a relationship? If not, don’t see him.

    If yes, go see him. I’d talk about his alcohol and mental health issues too though. If he proves he can work on himself and improve, it’ll be worth a go but if not, I’d be wary.

    #962723 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    I think you should pass on this one. You were in an abusive relationship and now you’re wondering if you should go on a date with someone who has clear red flags.

    Do you wait for someone to like you first or do you actually determine if you like someone? I’m not sure I’m being clear, and I’m not trying to be mean here – there are plenty of people who are so flattered by attention that they simply date whomever likes them without stepping back and determining if you actually like them.

    You should be attracted and like a person, and like them for their personality and what they bring into this world; something more than “they like me.”

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