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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should I have a third child?

Home Forums Advice & Chat Should I have a third child?

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  • #1116917 Reply
    Kelly Gill
    Guest

    I have two children with my husband of 10 years. They are 6 and 8 years old and they are really the best part of my life. I especially loveddd the beginning years and I always thought I would have a big family. I spoke about having a third but my husband never wanted a third. During our ten years together, he had made several choices which I compromised with despite my feelings/opinion to the contrary. Each time I told him in a few years you will see what I was talking about and by then it will be too late. For examples, in our earlier years I told him that his own brother often tries to put my husband down with my husbands parents and doesn’t really have his best interest at heart. He disagreed. Now ten years later he has finally come to the realization, but the damage is done and his relationship with his parents is nearly ruined. When buying our home I wanted to buy a larger home with some distance to my in-laws but my husband wanted to be close to them, so we purchased the home closer to them. He regrets this decision now as well. For many years I tried to convince him for a third, but he simply wouldn’t have it and I tried to get over it as well. I have done a lot of work on myself (including therapy), re-evaluating my life this year. I have finally started putting my needs and happiness as a priority instead of my need to please people.I am going to turn 38 in two months and I really find having another child is not a goal I want to give up. I tried having a discussions with my husband but he keeps trying to put it off in hopes that I will simply forget it about. I am thinking of putting my foot down on this matter. We have embryos frozen from our last cycle with my 6 year old. Should I go ahead with it?

    #1116918 Reply
    PassingBy
    Guest

    “During our ten years together, he had made several choices which I compromised with despite my feelings/opinion to the contrary”

    The fact that you mention this worries me. Having a child is not something you get from a standpoint of “I compromised on these things so you owe me this”.
    Becoming a parent is something that both people have to be on board with.

    Is it important enough to you that you would choose being single with a third child over being married with two? It could very well come to that.

    #1116919 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    No, you shouldn’t go ahead with it. This must be a mutual decision.

    On the other hand, you and your husband can change part of what he initially disagreed with you about. There is probably no reason you can’t move farther from his parents. Not to late to stop all all contact with his brother.

    #1116920 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I agree with PassingBy. You cannot hold a tally of things you’ve compromised on in your marriage like, where to live and whether he should have a relationship with his brother or not? and compare any of those things to a having a third child.

    A home is not a human being, you can put it on the market tomorrow if he agrees with you. He can make amends with his brother, maybe.

    He doesn’t owe you another baby.

    How is therapy going? How are your six and eight year old? It also alarms me that you say you really liked the baby years and want a third. Try to focus on the blessings you have instead of looking for ways to be unfulfilled and unhappy. Would you rather have a third child, or a happy marriage? Are you happy? Is your marriage happy? Food for thought.

    #1116921 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    When I saw the title, my first thought was “If you’re asking strangers in the internet if you should bring another child into the world (No) because the people close to you are all saying No, and you want a different answer, the answer is still no. And then I read you’re actual post.

    It’s unconscionable and might even be illegal for you to do that against his will, but if it’s not, it should be. Get a divorce and marry a stud on a ranch. Have all the babies you want, with a willing partner, not do it behind their back when you know what their wishes are.

    #1116922 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    And one yet another note, I’m a similar age and my kids are the same age as yours. I’m psyched at this age, and I’m going back to work and restarting my career and I’m full of so much joy. No more butt wiping! No more constant talk of bowel movements and when everyone ate. Our lives are free again!

    Don’t get me wrong, I also loved parts of the early years, but did you really love them more? Because I like having myself back to myself a little and sleeping solid eight hours every night in my late 30s.

    #1116923 Reply
    ktfran
    Participant

    No, you absolutely shouldn’t “go ahead with it” without your husband’s consent.

    You really only listed one thing you compromised on, and that was the house. You did not compromise on the relationship with his brother. Barring something egregious/harmful, you don’t get to dictate your husband’s relationship with his siblings/parents.

    Btw, you can always move, as others have mentioned.

    EDT: since your husband is deflecting, maybe see a couples counselor to talk through the third child in a respectful, productful manner.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by ktfran.
    #1116930 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    No, absolutely not. It’s manipulative as fuck.

    You’re on the verge of 40. That means your last child would be starting college about the same time that you’d be closing in on retirement age. Will you and your husband be able to afford to send your kids to university? What happens if you have a third kid? Did you have mutually agreed-to expectations about what you would fund?

    Demand couples therapy if you need a way to navigate this. Making this decision by yourself, especially since these are frozen embryos, could potentially blow up your marriage.

    #1116965 Reply
    Hazel
    Participant

    One of the absolute worst things you can do to a person you are in a relationship with is to trick them into having a child. It is pure selfishness. Don’t do this. I understand that your urges in this may be strong but for the sake of your partner, a potentially resented child, your existing loved children, and your own peace of mind; just don’t.If you have a huge urge to care, perhaps your partner might consider adoption of an older child, there are so many in the care system needing help and if you are drawn to nurture that’s a potential outlet.

    #1116966 Reply
    Avatar photoLucidity
    Guest

    So you think that because you husband eventually realized that you were right about his brother and the house, he’s eventually going to realize that you’re right about a third child? What do you envision happening? He’s going to throw up his hands and go “well, you tricked me into it but gosh darn, now that this baby’s here, I see that you were right, I can’t be mad.”

    You need a lot more therapy. You can’t “put (your) foot down” on something like creating life. Your husband has a right to choose whether or not he wants a third kid. You cannot force him and you absolutely cannot trample on his reproductive rights by going behind his back. That’s morally and quite possible legally wrong, depending on where you are. I would hope that the agency you froze your embryos with would require his consent.

    Go back to therapy and tell them what you’ve been thinking about. You need a reality check.

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