Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should I leave it alone…message him?

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by Skyblossom Skyblossom 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #806763 Reply

    I recently went out a couple of times with a guy I met at a bar. He approached me we talked I took his card and from there Things took off. Things were casual and I thought we had the potential to be good friends. We went out a couple time to lunch, dinner,(he never payed, we went half) I later started feeling, myself anyway, like we needed to have a talk to officially establish that we were just friends. The last time I saw him, was when we saw a film together(he payed for ticket, I payed for snacks). He never made me uncomfortable and everything always felt relaxed. I told him that weekend I would be busy, (we went out that Friday) that I might text him to see if we could do something when I was freed up. That Saturday I went to a party which I told him about, it was just a gals only thing, otherwise I would have invited him. Everything was fine. That Sunday I was not feeling well, he invited me out to walk with him at a park, as I was leaving I checked my temp and I was running a fever. I told him that we could probably see each other Tuesday. He asked me how I was Monday and invited me to his place for dinner Tuesday. I agreed and told him that it was fine. However I was questioning the arrangement, since we only knew each other for a couple weeks now. I decided I would go any way, since he mentioned he had a roommate. That evening I waited for some heads up like an address or an time, all I got was a text about 6 saying he was in traffic, asking me what I was doing. I told him that I was at home studying. Probably should have said that I was still up for the dinner. The day passed and nothing. Wednesday came and he asked me through text when I was free for lunch, I told him I had gone, my work schedule is crazy and I had gone already. I told him that I wished he’d told me ahead of time that way I could have arranged a time
    . He told me that he had taken the day off and that he had his schedule free and that”that’s when he thought about seeing me”. I mentioned the dinner casually and asked what happened, he said he thought I was busy and thought I’d say “no”. I told him I had planned and remembered the dinner and that I had waited a bit for his invite. He replied and apologized and said that we could do dinner that evening at his place I told him I couldn’t, because Tuesday s and Wednesdays are tied up for me, I have evening class after work, which he knows. He then said we could meet thursday, which I respected, as this is a day which he reserves to have happy hour with his coworkers. He actually had invited me once before with his coworkers but I declined as I was busy again. He told me “I still want to see you” I told him that Thursday wouldn’t work and that we could do something Friday or saturday. He agreed. We did not text again until that Friday. He said that he found a place that we could try to eat at, a French restaurant. I replied later that it sounded great. In the end I sadly had to cancel as my mom was with me this evening in between running errands, I decided to get dinner with her. She was also quite down as Saturday is the anniversary of my aunt’s death, which we all take a bit hard. I opted to stay with my mom and told him that for sure Saturday we could do something, he told me that there was an event that his friend was working and asked if I would be interested, there would be drinks etc. I told him it sounded great and told him that we could meet later that saturday. I ran some errands the next day and had my mom again, she was having a tough time and I was as well. He texted again asking if I was still up for the event, which I was. As I’m heading home from being out with my mom, I wanted to spend time with her before I left. He later texted me saying to stop by for dinner. He said that he was going to cook something up before he left and that I could join him and that he was going to stay out pretty late. I just thought it was bit last minute and he really hadn’t text me and address for his place and he also never texted me an address for the event, I was irritated by this point. So I decided to take my mom out to dinner instead and told him that he should know that I’m a little sporadic and that I was headed in a different way and that I could catch him later. He replied with a peace sign. I told him to have fun and that we could just do something that Sunday. Forward to now, days have passed and nothing. He would text during the day or we’d plan usually plan something and I’ve had nothing. No reply, no texts, nothing. I have put his log on silent and have archived it since, the last two days I haven’t checked to see if he’s text. But it already had been some days since. The thing is, I liked him and we had alot in common, I saw it as a great friendship and am a little devastated he hasn’t replied back, since I texted him that we could do something the next day. I don’t want to send him anything for the fear of knowing that I lost him as friend and that he might not ever text back. I’m also a little prideful. Either way I just don’t know if I can text him back. People have told me I should reach out, other say I shouldn’t. People say he should have asked if I was okay, because I cancelled so many times. My question is were his motives even for a friendship? is he mad and does he have a reason? Is he being selfish? Should I just leave it even if he texts back? Should I text him back? I’m lost and confused

    #806768 Reply

    I’m guessing he is as exhausted as I was reading this with the whole thing. How is it this difficult to have dinner. Move on.

    #806769 Reply

    If you only saw him as a new friend, and if you already have friends, you probably don’t really need him to be your friend. I’d let it go. Besides, you cancelled on him a couple of times, so he probably thought you weren’t interested in spending time with him in general (whatever his motives were).

    #806771 Reply

    You were being a pain, with all the cancelling. That’s not good dating etiquette. The last thing you said to him, about how you’re a little sporadic, was pretty obnoxious, and he peaced out at that point. He’s done. Trying to coordinate dates with you is exhausting, and being cancelled on is hurtful.

    But you only like him as a friend anyway, so it shouldn’t be too hard to let it go.

    #806788 Reply

    He attempted to reschedule with you MULTIPLE times and you kept bailing or being passive aggressive about later re the first dinner at his place that he had offered. If you needed the address ASK FOR IT. I don’t see how you had any reason to be annoyed with him.

    I would leave it alone OR you could say, “hey i’m sorry i’m such a pain to make plans with” and then offer to get him a drink or attempt to make plans.

    #806795 Reply

    You say that you’re ‘devastated’ that he hasn’t reached out, but you cancelled plans again and again, when it was pretty clear that he really wanted to spend time with you. Your actions told him loud and clear that you didn’t think his friendship was worth the effort, and that he wasn’t worth your time. Maybe that wasn’t the message you intended to send, but that’s what it looked like to him.

    I’m not surprised that he’s gone. You could contact him and apologize, I guess, see what happens.

    #806797 Reply

    I agree with everyone else.
    You could reach out, and make sure that you begin with an apology. Ask him out AND follow up if it gets that far.

    But honestly, he wanted to date you. So if you don’t want to see where that goes, don’t reach out.

    You cancelled on him multiple times and never tried to reschedule real plans. You didn’t follow through. If you were established friends your behavior would probably be okay after you bought him some drinks and apologized, but this is kind of part of your first impression with him.

    It’s not his responsibility to ask if everything’s okay- you could have explained your mother is grieving and you were helping her, or that your mother was in town and you were distracted with her. He was pretty patient with you for awhile, I think.

    Reach out with a well thought out apology (not excuses) if you want to, because you have nothing to lose. Keep your expectations low.

    #806801 Reply

    Since you never told him you just wanted to be friends, then I assume he was trying to date you and then realized that since you were never available, you weren’t interested. Trying to hang out with someone when it involves this much planning is too much work when it’s someone you barely know.

    I think you should probably just let this go and know that in the future, if you want to be friends with someone, you can’t make them work this hard to see you. If you do end up trying to hang out with him again, be very clear you just want to be friends. That’s something you should have told him early on.

    #806802 Reply

    Well, I’m also confused.

    Do you like this guy, or not?

    He was interested in you, that’s why he kept texting you to do things. He eventually took your flakiness about getting together as a sign you weren’t interested (which is true, right? At least romantically you aren’t interested, right?). So, he’s moved on.

    He doesn’t want to be friends with you. You guys barely know each other. He wanted to date you, you didn’t want to date him, he’s moving on.

    #806829 Reply

    Yeah you were just giving him mixed signals and at the end of the day what it looks like is you’re not interested in him and he doesn’t seem to be interested in being friends. Also, the peace sign sounds like it indicator of bye “peace out”.

    #806835 Reply

    Your post is so obsessional. This list of notes you take of each text and missed meetings. The impression it gives is that you are totally self-centered, you have no time, no interest and no flexibility. His silence is eloquent.

    #806845 Reply

    Woof, this was exhausting to read. I can only imagine how exhausted this poor dude is. You were being unkind in continuing to half-heartedly schedule dates with a man you did not want to actually date. Be kind now and leave him alone so he can find someone who wants to date him.

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