Should I leave my fiance or work through things?

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  • Gina
    December 7, 2022 at 1:57 pm #1117081

    My wedding is set for next year and I don’t know if I should be marrying my fiancé. 

    My partner (male, 32) and I have been dating for 4.5 years. Like any relationship, it’s had its ups and downs. Recently, I’ve just been so hurt over his actions and I don’t know if I can get over them.

    For context, here’s a bit of background on me. The first year that we dated, I was needy, insecure and had low self-esteem. My ex of 4 years (relationship prior to this one) got addicted to drugs, specifically meth and heroin, in our last year of our relationship. I begged him to stop but he wouldn’t. I understand addiction a lot more now but at the moment I thought he chose drugs over me and it was a crushing blow to my self-worth. We were supposed to get married.

    After hitting rock bottom, I’ve been building myself up over the years. I go to the gym now and feel more confident in my body. I’m very self-aware of my triggers and try to work through them. I make sure to say something positive about myself any time I look in the mirror.

    My current partner is generally a sweet and thoughtful guy. But lately his words/actions have been so hurtful. He has told me on multiple occasions that he loves a certain body type that I don’t have. Recently, we started watching porn together and he put it on several videos of solo females touching themselves while I sat next to him awkwardly. He said he was just showing me the subreddits because I was curious (I was) but I didn’t ask for him to show me multiple videos and only of women. He got fixated on one of them and seemed to forget that I was next to him. That bothered me and we decided to watch porn that was beneficial to both going forward. In our last fight, he scoffed at the fact that I felt uncomfortable about that incident and basically called me insecure. I also found that he watches female live sex cammers and frequents live chatrooms. 

    A few nights ago, we were driving to dinner and he asked me why it was wrong for him to rate the women that his brother’s been with. I told him that I feel like it’s inappropriate and that I wished that he wouldn’t. He then called me insecure and berated me for the rest of the drive. I asked him to stop talking about it, that I was getting overwhelmed, tried turning the music up, but he kept going. 

    I’m supposed to marry this man next year and I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do. Almost everything’s booked and our families are involved so it’s even more complicated. I don’t know if I’m overreacting in these situations or if I’m justified over how I feel and his actions have been inappropriate. He thinks I’m being insecure. I always feel like I’m the crazy and unreasonable one. I don’t know if I should walk away from this relationship and cancel our wedding or try to work things out. 

    December 7, 2022 at 2:13 pm #1117082

    Cancel. It’s much easier to end an engagement than to end a marriage and this guy is bad news. I don’t see what there is to work on. He shows no evidence of willingness to change and will only blame you. The engagement seems to have given him the idea that he owns you and marriage will only strengthen that feeling. The courtship ended with the engagement, now you are into increasing abuse territory.

    December 7, 2022 at 2:39 pm #1117083

    Agree. He doesn’t respect you as a person with your own thoughts and feelings. He sees you as an object. Something, not someone. Rating people based on looks? Disrespecting you? He makes you feel bad about yourself and you deserve someone who thinks you are awesome and amazing and tells you that regularly.

    Walk away and don’t look back. You’re stronger, smarter and braver than you realize.

    December 7, 2022 at 4:27 pm #1117084

    He’s totally pushing it.He must have surely known he was upsetting you and did it anyway. Not nice. Bullying. I’m sorry it has got so far before he showed his true colours but better now than after you were married. You absolutely deserve someone who does not treat you like this.Sure its normal to look at some beautiful person and admire them but he’s using it as a weapon to make you feel bad.

    December 7, 2022 at 8:51 pm #1117085

    Yes,time to break it off. He shows no inclination to change or understand how he is hurting you. Things won’t improve or change magically if you get married. Better to disappoint other, than be stuck and miserable and find yourself dealing with divorce.
    It is possible that if you cancel the wedding/break up with him,he would agree to therapy or realize he is hurting you…but even if he did,I bet he would eventually revert to his old jerk ways. Wish you the best,I bet you will be relieved and happier and find a better guy in time.

    December 7, 2022 at 10:33 pm #1117086

    Yeah, wouldn’t even keep dating this guy. He’s gross.

    December 7, 2022 at 10:35 pm #1117087

    He views women as objects, period, including you. He berated you. My husband has never yelled at me. I mean, you’re tying yourself to him for life. Cancel it. Who cares about the money when your entire future happiness would suffer?

    December 9, 2022 at 7:29 pm #1117108

    Your gut is screaming at you to leave. This man is already disrespecting and cheating on you by watching live porn and webcam girls. He is likely cheating on you in real life with other women. He’s shaming you for not sharing his warped view of women and sexuality. Listen to your inner voice and leave this man before he ruins whatever shred of self-esteem you’ve managed to build up. Also look into working with a therapist to see why you keep entertaining addicts (drug addict then and sex addict now).

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    December 18, 2022 at 9:33 am #1117231

    Ugh, leave this MFer – he doesn’t respect you or care about your feelings. Whatever inconvenience and embarrassment you’ll experience in cancelling your wedding will absolutely pale in comparison to the experience of marrying a jerk who is bad news for you and then trying to get out of a bad marriage.

    December 20, 2022 at 2:12 pm #1117279

    “I always feel like I’m the crazy and unreasonable one. ” This is called gaslighting, and it’s very intentional, look up the definition, I suspect you will see a lot of yourself there. He is not sweet and thoughtful, my guess is that he ACTS sweet and thoughtful at times to keep you hooked, but he is actually the person who you describe in your letter, the person who hurts you , belittles you, and makes you feel crazy when you are having completely normal feelings. A therapist could really help you see things more clearly, I would definitely recommend that. And what everyone else said about the wedding, cancel it and walk away from this man. If that’s hard to think of doing, ask yourself if this is the way you want to feel for the rest of your life. I don’t think you know this, but this is not the way a relationship is supposed to be, not at all, no matter what he tells you. You can do much better, get some therapy so you can see that.

    December 27, 2022 at 1:40 pm #1117320

    I wish I had listened to my gut and not married my ex-husband. I felt like I couldn’t back out after I had pushed him so hard about wanting to marry him. Turns out it would have been much easier to back out while we were engaged instead of after we had a kid together and tied ourselves legally and financially.

    I have to wonder if your fiancé gravitated to you initially BECAUSE you were so insecure and vulnerable. Abusers target people with low self-esteem and some of his behavior smacks of emotional abuse. Instead of building up your confidence, he is keeping you feeling insecure because 1.) you won’t think you can do any better and 2.) you’ll work really hard to please him and put your own needs aside.

    You can do better. Please don’t settle.

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Should I leave my fiance or work through things?

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