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Dear Wendy

Should I leave my fiancé over a small(ish) issue?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Should I leave my fiancé over a small(ish) issue?

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 82 total)
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  • #962233 Reply
    avatarMaterialsGirl
    Participant

    Wait, you don’t consider abuse to be a dealbreaker??

    Okay maybe you meant that list (cheating, abuse) as the dealbreakers and this, not so much.

    Either way.

    Communication on expectations is key.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by avatarMaterialsGirl.
    #962236 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    You should sit down with a financial advisor. Find someone who specializes in beginners/first time savers and get some help walking you through how to put together a monthly budget, plan for emergencies, save for bigger things down the line, and start investing. Be up front. Explain that you’ve got a spender who needs the process to be as “idiot proof” as possible. Honestly if a preloaded debit card will work, do it.

    Agree on some chores he can start doing. Taking the trash out, dirty clothes go in one laundry basket and clean go in another if he doesn’t feel like folding.
    He vacuums. Or you budget for a cleaning lady once a month to do the heavy lifting.

    The problem I see is that you are doing all of the emotional and practical labor around some very basic adulting. Do you feel supported by him in other areas? Can you lean on him in times of need? Does he lighten your load or are you always doing the tough stuff for both of you? If you have kids do you believe hed be an equal partner in the enormous workload of caring for a child? Or would you then be stuck cleaning and saving for 3 people instead of two? If you’re already feeling overwhelmed, that’s going to get worse as you get older, not better. I say have some serious discussions, explain to him that his immaturity on these issues has lead you to question your future, and that you need to see real change. Lay down some rules, get the help of a professional financial advisor, and if you still don’t see improvement in 6 months I’d seriously consider moving on.

    #962237 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    How long have you been together?

    Why are you sharing an account?

    I don’t think you should be sharing an account. Get your own account, split your bills, and get him doing 50% of the housework. Do you think he even has the capability of doing that? It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t care about the mess, he should know that you do and that should matter to him. That’s showing respect for you. When you are with the right person, they want to make you happy. They want to make your life easier and lessen the burden on you. That can be seriously as easy as doing the laundry or dishes. He sounds like a clueless baby or rather… uncaring. It’s sounds like he has played you for a fool. He’s got a slightly older woman, who does all the chores for him, pays all the bills, handles all of the mental load of being an adult that he should have been doing for a decade already.

    He honestly does sound a like a teenager. Do you want to mommy him for the rest of his life? How does he not know to look at what you have in your account before buying something? How does he not know to ask you before he spends your money on a big ticket item? This is stuff most people learn much younger, especially if you’re both living paycheck to paycheck. And now because of his absolutely stupid mistake, your credit and rental history has been affected. He’s dragging you down with him.

    No, you should absolutely not get him a debit card and let him spend freely. Do you care about saving money? Why is that even a possibility? This is another example of his incompetence and immaturity and disrespect. He should care about your shared financial fate and he shouldn’t be spending any money (besides food and necessities) without consulting you.

    I really think this is NOT a minor issue at all. This is a big deal, especially at your age. (I’m a year older.) He is not showing you respect with this behavior. He should be learning how to handle adult issues if he never learned. He should not be putting this extra responsibility on you. Please, listen to your friends. They have pegged him right. He’s immature, and you’re older. This is not a good match. Set up a new account ASAP.

    #962238 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    By the way, “he’s never abused me,” is not a selling point. That’s bare minimum expectations for someone you’re dating.

    #962242 Reply
    avatarBlabQueen
    Guest

    Y’all have given me a lot to think about and I appreciate it. I figure I should throw out a few more clarifications.
    First I 100% consider cheating and abuse dealbreakers. Sorry if it was confusing wording. I am typing on my phone and can’t really re-read easily. I also don’t consider my fiancé not being abusive as a selling point. I mentioned it because I personally would never tell a friend to leave their partner over anything other than abuse or cheating or a really serious issue. I agree finances are definitely important but I never considered over drafting an account as a dump worthy offense (maybe I would if they used the money to buy drugs or something) We have been together for 3 years. We combined accounts at my insistence so I could help him manage his money. I guess I’m not as good at managing my own money as I think as I’ve never really worried about savings and my main concern has always just been not overdrafting my account or bouncing checks. The debit card I mentioned was never a free for all card. I intended to do a prepaid card for him with his expendable income after all of our split bill and necessities. it wouldn’t be more than 100 dollars a week or something like that. I think my main concern was more wondering if my friends were being shitty or helpful. I am going to take some of your advice about financial counseling for me and my fiancé and tbh I wish some of my friends had offered advice like that over “dump him” because it’s much more helpful. I think I will also just stop talking to my friends about my relationship and finance issues.

    #962244 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I think it’s VERY interesting that every one of your friends has said dump him. That’s not normal. In my experience it has to be a pretty blatantly bad situation for friends to say that, let alone all of them. There’s something to what they’re saying.

    For the record, not everyone complains about their partner to their friends. When I’ve done that, I’ve been in a bad relationship. You should stop doing this, as it’s not really fair or constructive to rip into him when he’s not around.

    And finally… these things are a big deal. If you marry him, you need to realize you’re going to be his mommy forever. That’s the dynamic you’re signing up for, and that doesn’t tend to work long-term. You’re taking care of everything for him, totally overcompensating, and he’s fucking everything up because he’s a little boy who does not care.

    #962245 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    LW —
    While I don’t think a six-year age difference at your ages is normally a big deal, that normally depends upon the younger partner being at least of normal maturity for his/her age. In your situation, that appears not to be the case. I agree with your friends that this s likely to be a serious problem if you and he marry.

    I’m not sure why the two of you aren’t saving. If his share of personal disposable for what you feel like buying is $5200 a year, then you should be saving. This is especially true in the age of Covid, when neither employment nor health is a sure thing going forward.

    Unless what your bf purchased was very expensive, it sounds like any unexpected cost would mess up your finances. You need a financial cushion, and neither of you should spend it on whim purchases. It is the emergency money that every person or couple needs.

    The more you write, the more correct your friends seem. If you combined finances because you felt it was necessary ” so I could help him manage his money.”

    Perhaps polling your friends was the wrong word to use, but you certainly seem to be over-including them in the problems of your relationship. If you do marry bf, that is the sort of thing which can make it awkward for the two of you to be couple friends with your married friends. I think you should be discussing your relationship problems with your partner and possibly a financial or couples counselor.

    #962246 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    He overdrafted your account- which affects your credit rating. It’s also cost you a lot of $$. Did he pay for that fuck up or did you? A late payment on your rent affects your relationship with your landlord, the recommendation they’ll give you when you leave and might affect your credit, too. This is not a small issue, this is a big deal. And his not chipping in at home is also a big fucking deal. He wants you to baby him. And you are!

    Do you really think giving your grown adult boyfriend an allowance is the answer? That’s ridiculous. Your friends are right. Listen to them.

    Get a new account, give him an ultimatum and leave the immature boy in your past. It is ridiculous he can’t adult at his age.

    #962248 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    You say he’s caused you to overdraft SEVERAL times. Jesus.

    #962249 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Oh Jesus I missed the “several” comment – and that’s only in the year they’ve had a joint account.

    LW, there are many, many things short of abuse and cheating that are worth leaving a relationship over. When your boyfriend acts this way, and it is very much a choice he purposefully makes to act that way, he’s telling you he doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about your financial security, he doesn’t care about the consequences for you, he doesn’t care that he’s using your money to buy shit he doesn’t need and costing you more money in overdraft.
    Not checking your bank account as a grown ass adult is an intentional choice not to do the literal 5 second bare minimum to keep your and your partner’s finances safe and healthy. When he leaves his shit, crumbs, crud and clothes everywhere he’s telling doesn’t care whether you feel comfortable and happy in your own home. These are big issues, big enough that advice to break up is warranted. And something tells me he isn’t magically mature, selfless, and caring in every other aspect of your relationship. Someone who needs to babied this way is likely selfish in other areas as well.

    #962251 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    Well, I am in agreement with your friends about dumping him. You say that’s your main concern: figuring out whether they’re being shitty or helpful. Just because they didn’t suggest financial counseling — that doesn’t put them in the shitty category. They can likely see MUCH more than we can.

    Frankly, your friends’ position is not what you should be focused on here. You have a serious problem on your hands. (Yes, even though it isn’t abuse or drugs, financial mismanagement can still be serious and a deal-breaker — for many people.) You are doing all the adult behavior in this relationship. WHY in the world would you want to take on a mommy role? So not sexy. Why not date a guy who knows he’s an adult and acts accordingly?

    Have you talked about core values with your fiancé at all? i.e., do you want kids, how will they be schooled, how will they be raised? Do you want to purchase a home? are either of you going to want to get more education? how is the household work divided? (No, it is 100% not cool for you to do all the housework. It is the year 2020!!!!!) Do you AGREE on these things? If you want kids, and you think this guy is going to step up responsibly, I’d say you’re off-base. But … ask him! You need to share a LOT about your future ideas before you get hitched. If you’re using a church, they likely have some kind of pre-marital program.

    Whether you stay together or not, YOU need financial counseling to fix the way you make financial decisions.

    #962252 Reply
    avatarVathena
    Guest

    I have a lot of sympathy for the struggle of living paycheck to paycheck. When I was a kid, my mom (single mother) could only afford to pay one utility bill at a time, and sometimes she would miss the cutoff and our water or electric would be shut down. One time we had to shake $20 in coins out of my little brother’s piggy bank to go grocery shopping. But if you’ve got $100 extra per week for your bf to blow as “fun money”, you sure as shit should have an emergency fund. I would think long and hard about marrying someone who is so irresponsible with money. It will make your entire life harder. Honestly, I can see circumstances when I could forgive my husband having an affair, but if I found out he gambled away our daughter’s college fund or otherwise endangered our long-term security, I almost certainly couldn’t come back from that to ever trust him again. It doesn’t sound like either one of you is great with money. You have zero savings – what will you do for retirement? Do you want to buy a house or have kids? Do you always want to live paycheck to paycheck? What if one of you gets sick, or laid off? If you can’t sit down and get serious about planning for your future security, if he can’t be committed to pulling his weight as an adult and full partner, and CARE about doing his part, I would think hard about marrying him.

    The cleaning shit is real annoying too. It’s not hard to put your damn socks in the hamper and wipe the fucking counters. He’s 29, he doesn’t live in the frat house anymore. You definitely don’t want to have kids with a guy who can’t be bothered to do the bare minimum of home maintenance. (I remember when I saw my now-husband’s place for the first time. It was tidy and grime-free and didn’t smell like feet. Then I found out he had an IRA. Swoon!)

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