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Dear Wendy

Should I leave my fiancé over a small(ish) issue?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Should I leave my fiancé over a small(ish) issue?

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 82 total)
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  • #962256 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Financial irresponsibility and selfishness are great reasons to break up with someone.

    Getting financial counseling, eh, I am skeptical it would change anything for him. He doesn’t seem to care or have any motivation to want to change. I do think YOU should get some, though. 35 with no savings and letting a man-child repeatedly overdraft your bank account? By choice. These are self-destructive decisions you’re making, out of fear of being alone.

    #962257 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    Don’t give him preloaded debit cards. Don’t you realise how pathetic that is? This is like giving him his pocket money per week.
    Separate your finance. He is an adult, he can manage his finances. Ask him to settle in his bank account a direct transfer to your account for the accomodation and utilities and groceries bills, as he seems to leave at your place.
    Then think long and hard: why would you partner yourself with a man like this (beyond the age?).
    Your friends are 100% right.

    #962265 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    This isn’t a small issue. It’s more medium to large. In this day of electronic banking there is NO excuse for not checking ones balance before making large purchases… Look, sure, you can give him one last shot —- if he truly really is THAT great. But one more stupid gaff and I’d call it quits.

    To bounce a check with your landlord is no small thing.

    #962268 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Look, I grew up with a parent who was terrible with money. I picked up really bad habits from that. I made mistakes when I become independent. But that was in my late teens/early twenties and I promised myself I would do better. I made an effort to never spend more than I had. I made a budget and stuck to it. I still made mistakes on occasion, but they were truly mistakes- not a pattern of carelessness.

    I just can’t see why- after combining accounts (that was a very bad idea) He has still repeatedly over-drafted the account. Like, a one time mistake I could understand. But multiple times in one year is a big deal. Making this many mistakes doesn’t seem like an accident anymore, it seems like he doesn’t give a shit enough to double check with you ever before making a big purchase. With your situation, no one should be spending a large amount of money without the other person okaying it (and honestly, it should never be okay.)

    He is showing you in these SEVERAL overdrafts that he’s more than irresponsible with your money. He’s showing you he can’t be trusted. You tried to take the reins to better his situation and he’s not doing his part in even attempting to be responsible.

    The housework thing…yet another example of disrespect, not caring. He knows you will do it, and he doesn’t care if that adds work to your life. That is being selfish. That is uncaring, and not an act of love. That you can’t or don’t want to consider these truths is sad. Your friends can see it. We can see it. You deserve better.

    I think a meeting with a financial planner for yourself would be great.

    #962269 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Financial incompatibility is a HUGE issue, do not dismiss this. Plus general responsibility is a HUGE issue.

    Look – he’s not puling his weight in terms of managing your life together. He’s letting you carry the load and he will not stop unless you have a serious conversation. Spending money he doesn’t have – irresponsible? Not cleaning up after himself – irresponsible.

    You can’t be the mother – you are the girlfriend. You can’t be the responsible one, both of you need to share that.

    Separate your accounts. Build your credit back up. Let him do him. Walk through the monthly budget together and make sure each of you are putting in your half. Walk through the chores weekly and make sure the work is divided. He lives there, he cleans up. He makes messes he cleans up. Both of you share the work. It’s not women’s work – it’s not men’s work. It’s just housework.

    And if he gets butthurt or makes promises that he doesn’t keep – then you have your answer whether to stay or to go.

    #962270 Reply
    avatarBlabQueen
    Guest

    Thanks again everyone
    Wanted to throw out there because a lot of people mentioned this, my fiancé and I are both completely disinterested in having kids so that’s not really a concern and also no interest in owning a home (we like to move around) so those aren’t really issues for us. I am not staying with my fiancé out of fear of being alone. I honestly just believe in making things work. I feel like a lot of you came off a bit aggressive but maybe I’m just sensitive. I didn’t expect my friends to give me financial planning advice but I feel like I personally would at least offer options if I was gonna press someone to make a life changing decision. Again, maybe that is just me. As I said before I’m not the type to tell someone to leave their partner but clearly that is something a lot of people are comfortable doing. I feel like I learned a lot from all of this.

    #962271 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    You keep saying what “type” you are, but you’re flossing over the fact that it’s super weird to have all your friends telling you to dump a guy. Most friends will not do that unless they truly think it’s your only good option. Of course they would offer suggestions if they thought there were any. Do you see what I’m saying? They think the guy is a total dud, and not redeemable.

    I don’t have kids and wasn’t thinking of kids when I gave my advice. I wasn’t at all thinking of buying a house either, because that seems like a permanent unreality for you two.

    You just should not combine finances with or legally tie yourself to a person who’s this recklessly irresponsible and truly doesn’t care. You just… don’t do that in life. Why would you?

    #962272 Reply
    avatarele4phant
    Guest

    So, I only read your first post and not all the other follow-ups, not sure what else has been said or if I’m being redundant, but disagreements on finances are *not* a smallish thing.

    So many divorces happen because of financial disputes.

    Marriage is many things – a romantic thing, a companionate thing, for some a spirtual or religious thing, but it is also a legal contract. You are legally and financially binding yourself to another person. For most of us, it will be the most legally and financially significant thing we ever do.

    I cannot stress this enough. *Do not get married until you are on the same page about finances*. If you can’t get on the same page, do not get married.

    #962274 Reply
    avatarele4phant
    Guest

    If you want financial advise, maybe find a finacial advisor and haul your and your finacnes butt there and talk over how you could combine your finances in a responsible way, and see how that hits them.

    But I think your friends are doing their job, which is strongly urging you not to press ahead with marriage if this is an open issue between you and your finance. Your aren’t necessarily financial experts so you can’t expect them to give you “options”, but a good friend should definitely give you a come to Jesus speech “Do not get married, do not pass go, if you and your finance are in different places financially.”

    And just working things out is a nice mentally I think…when you are married. That I think is one of the key features of marriage (or if you aren’t into the hetronormative marriage track a public lifetime commitment or whatever) is that you are become as locked in as can be.

    That’s the whole point of marriage.

    #962275 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Why do you feel a need to marry him? If you don’t want to dump him, why not just live together with separate finances like LisforLeslie described above? That way he can’t wreck your financial standing, and you still get whatever benefits you feel you’re getting from the relationship? Why the need to marry, especially if kids or shared property aren’t in the plan?

    #962277 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    My advice was not based on whether you wanted kids or to be able to buy a house one day. It has nothing to do with that, it’s a respect thing.

    I don’t understand your preoccupation with not personally ever wanting to tell someone to dump a guy. Why? Don’t you want the best for your friends? You’d want them to stay with a man that doesn’t respect them? Who routinely does financial harm to? Who doesn’t clean up after himself? How much money has his overdraft’s cost you this year? Has he paid for them, or have you? That’s not a big deal to you?

    Yes, it does seem like you are afraid to be alone if you’re comfortable staying with someone who treats you with so little respect.

    “I believe in making things work.” So, after three years with this man who can’t even stay within his budget…how is that working? It’s not. That’s why you wrote in. Marrying him would be a big mistake.

    #962279 Reply
    avatarBlabQueen
    Guest

    Anonymousse, to address you directly, my fiancé has always paid for his financial mistakes with his own money.
    I also don’t think me not telling my friends to leave their partners makes me a bad friend. I don’t consider what he’s doing to be disrespectful personally. He’s not malicious he’s just lazy and lots of men are. I was married before to a guy who was an accountant and he never lifted a finger to clean anything ever. (but to his credit he never overdrafted the accounts)

    Almost all of the friends I am speaking of have only known me and my partner for a year (we move a lot and tend to just make new friends where we go) the friends I had where we previously lived never had negative things to say about my fiancé despite these issues always being present. There is a lot of backstory i guess i didn’t think was pertinent.

    Also I don’t think that the only reason to get married is because you want joint property or kids. Maybe it’s because I’m already divorced but all i really consider marriage to be is dating with a better tax refund. We don’t even have a wedding date as it’s probably pretty obvious we can’t afford a wedding anyway.

    My relationship with my partner works outside the above mentioned things. I think what’s really not working is my relationships with my friends and if I could go back and rewrite this I would focus more on that because I can tell my fiancé to stop if he’s hurting my feelings and he will but I guess I have trouble telling my friends that.

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