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Dear Wendy

Should I leave my fiancé over a small(ish) issue?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Should I leave my fiancé over a small(ish) issue?

Viewing 10 posts - 73 through 82 (of 82 total)
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  • #962352 Reply
    avatarele4phant
    Guest

    Um okay then.

    Best of luck.

    You don’t have to lead a conventional life if you don’t want, but do try to stash away some money once in a while. You can’t count on the inheritence retirement plan.

    You never know – there may be less than you think there is, there may be liens and debts that the estate must pay off first, then estate taxes are no joke, and there will be little left after all that. Who knows, maybe these family members will live for a long time still but need substaintial care for years. We pay $9,000 A MONTH for my mother-in-law’s care. She’s stable, and only 65. She could live for years, for decades. We are assumming all of her savings will need to go for her care and there will be nothing left in inherit, which is totally fine.

    I’m not saying you or your finance need to live like corporate drones, working nine to fives until you retire to some souless golf course retirement community, but be a little forward thinking so you build yourself some amount of cushion.

    Life throws curveballs, a rainy day fund is never a bad idea.

    #962355 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I was being sarcastic about dating your coworker. Because, you know, another terrible decision. Get it?

    Girl, live your life with your best friend. Go for it. Just don’t marry him.

    And for heaven’s sake, if you’re going to be inheriting money, please get some financial counseling so you’re prepared to manage that money properly.

    I stopped believing much of what you’re saying after the first couple posts, but if this is true, you need to get serious about money management.

    #962357 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    Well, sincerely best of luck on continued happiness in your unconventional life. Not for me, but I’m not you.

    Your semi-umbrage at people suggesting that you leave your fiance seems strange for a poster who titled her post “should I leave my fiance…” rather than ‘are my friends full of shit?” If it wasn’t something you hadn’t actively thought about doing, you wouldn’t have written in and you certainly wouldn’t have chosen that title.

    I agree that it’s excellent to have a life partner who is your best friend. Less excellent to plan your future based upon certain of your and your partner’s relatives dropping dead. It seems so passive and so lacking in a desire to accomplish something in life which you can be proud of.

    #962358 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    Sounds like you are able to tolerate his flaws and what he gives you outweighs that, and money isn’t everything.It definitely sounds like you don’t want to leave him, so sort out your finances so his habits don’t impact on you. BUT do not not not base your decisions on what you stand to inherit, unless both your families are super super rich. Sometimes, when people come to the end of their lives, they need a LOT of care, the cost for this can be immeasurable, and it can continue for years. You’d want your parents to live out their last years with every thing that would make them more bearable as they may start to become frail, wouldn’t you? And for as long as they can, so they can keep enjoying the best life possible? Then do not count on any inheritance. If you are happy with no long plan, that’s fine and freeing but don’t imagine you definitely will have this to fall back on.And maybe find a couple of close confidants outside of work, as those work friends don’t sound like that’s always the best thing for you for the majority of your social needs.

    #962359 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    “Neither of us have any savings because we both stand to inherit a decent amount of money in a few years”.
    Ok, LOL! You are really a “blabqueen” or rather a fantasist.
    It is amazing that so many posters have given time and energy to try to make some sense of this LW’s story!
    It is a classic: LW wonders wether she should dump her significant other because he sucks. Everybody answer yes, then she takes offense and starts defending him and at the end of the day, decides that definitely people are mean and she will pursue her unhealthy relationship. She just littered the readers with her doubts to be able to continue her life just the way it is, super passive.

    #962361 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    And what began in the initial post, as moving a lot because she and partner want to experience living in different areas in her last post becomes: running from, rather than running to. She has learned that she can’t trust her co-workers, so her reaction is to run. Is that what she has been doing her whole life?

    #962506 Reply
    avatarMarie
    Guest

    You are getting good advice here and perspectives. One more: my son’s dad (we are divorced) is an academic and because he moved, I moved by choice so our son could live near both parents. Over and over, in each new place, I noticed that the first people I met were never long term friends. As in sometimes the first people who be-friend you are ultra lonely and with issues. But beyond judging them, the issue is always trusting myself: to listen to my gut, to know in whom to confide and who to trust. Knowing who to trust takes time. Trusting friendships take time. These are people relatively recently met. Who are they to you, your real self/your values?

    #962509 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    “…sometimes the first people who befriend you are ultra lonely and with issues.”

    ^^THIS^^
    Trusting friendships do take time.

    #963286 Reply
    avatarslamy
    Guest

    ” I know she says she has the mentality of just work it out no matter what baring anything extreme like abuse – but they’re *not* yet married (or even publicly committed if she’s truthful that she doesn’t care about marriage). ”

    This reeks of childhood issues playing out in the form of hanging on to a relationship that doesn’t work. Because it’s “just what you do.” My mom also modeled extremely unhealthy behaviors like staying in dying situations, so I get it. I used to be a ride or die chick. Thank God for therapy.

    And the fact that she thinks all of her new friends are the problem instead of her boyfriend who causes them to be late on their rent is laughable. I’m 2 years younger than OP and this is not something I would be able to put up with. It’d be a dealbreaker for me.

    #963317 Reply
    avatarAndrea Letsen
    Participant

    Nothing really to add that others haven’t said better. However, I will say that the title of your post was ‘Should I leave fiance etc etc etc’. I might be completely wrong but reading through all the responses and your subsequent responses – it looks very much like you haven’t heard what you wanted to hear, and thus reframed your ‘problem’ to be about something completely different entirely to avoid facing a truth you just don’t want to acknowledge. For your sake, I sincerely hope I am wrong on that, because if not – you are in for an extremely bumpy road ahead coupled with a relationship that is almost guaranteed to wind up miserable and costing you more than it’s worth – both financially and emotionally.

    You cannot ask for advice on a relationship that has serious flaws (yes they are serious) but then get defensive every time someone points out something you already know but seem unwilling to accept coming from anyone other than yourself.

    Please be smart and responsible for yourself.

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