Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should I leave my fiance

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Should I leave my fiance

This topic contains 15 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by avatar anonymousse 2 weeks, 5 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 16 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #849508 Reply
    avatar
    Chelsea

    I’ve been with my fiancé for almost two years now. We met at work and he confessed to telling everyone how much he admired me before I even knew his name. Everything fell into place with him. I completely adored everything about him. Until a month into our relationship. Money was tight for me as a single mother of a 6yr old. I had just been accepted into the nursing program and my lease was up in my apartment. He offered to move myself and my son into his house and help care for my son while I focused on school. Meaning I would pay $600 less a month on bills. I did it and two days later my sons father (whom I was still close to after dating for 5 years)overdosed and suddenly died. it shattered every piece of me. I had lost my dad to suicide when I was 3. It brought back a lot of intense emotions. My first time attempting to open up to my fiancé he told me I didn’t have a right to be upset because I was no longer dating him. The first time I had a meltdown in front of him he called me pathetic. I sunk into the deepest depression of my life. Without any support from my fiance. He grew up in a perfect family and hasn’t experienced a single struggle in his life. He lacked the emotional intelligence to support me through any of it. Once I fought to get out of the depression he was no longer sexually interested in me. He would go weeks without wanting me, touching me or even showing any form of intimacy. For 8 months I begged for his affection and attention. Without any excuse or reasoning as to why he didn’t want me other than him being tired. Of course, the very disconnected times that we did have sex. He would beg me to let him cum inside me in a forceful way, that filled me with guilt and would get mad if I didn’t let him. I’m now 7 mnths pregnant with his baby. I have no desire to be with him. I know everyone isn’t perfect and he’s amazing with my 6yr old son for the most part. I can’t tell if I’m running because I have commitment issues due to my dad and step dads suicide, being raped and entrapped during a relationship I had in high school or falling in love with a struggling addict. Or if I really should just go. I need to know I’m not just running away from something that can be fixed.

    #849509 Reply
    avatar
    Chelsea

    I would also like to add a couple more things. He is a video game addict. He prefers to play games over doing anything else. I told him in the beginning of our relationship that the one thing that meant a lot to me. Was if we went to bed together every night. The intimacy of going to bed after a long day apart. Sharing our feelings and talking until we make love or just fall asleep. That’s what I NEED from a relationship even if everything else is going wrong. Yet, he wasn’t and still isn’t willing to give that time up for me. Even if he’s played all day or for at least 5hrs that day. He isn’t willing to go to bed at 10pm with me. Always making me feel needy and unwanted. I understand having hobbies apart from eachother which is great. But even if we spend some quiet moments together. He starts rambling on about a video game for 10 to 15minuyes at a time. While I blankly Stare just wondering if I could listen to that for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I can. I believe he may deserve someone that is more accepting of hi hobby. And maybe he deserves someone that wants to hear his ridiculous stories about video games.

    #849520 Reply
    avatar
    Helen

    I don’t care how good he is to your 6yo, he’s horrible to you!! He got you pregnant on purpose to lock you down. I would leave him just for that. You feel unloved & unwanted & he called you pathetic when you reacted to the death of your child’s father. He’s a monster. Continue your education so you can support your children without his help. Sounds like you had a tough childhood. That can leave you incapable of recognizing bad people. Please get therapy so this doesn’t keep happening to you

    #849521 Reply
    avatar
    ron

    If he is spending all day as a video game addict, how does he support himself? Are his parents supporting all 3 of you? ballistic because her husband of 30 years became FB friends with an ex from over 30 years ago — an ex who was a friend of his sisters. It sounds like your bf was fine with you remaining friends with your ex, but then you say you totally shattered when he ODed. I think your bf concluded that you were still deeply in love with this ex. You might well be. It seems like this is unlikely to be that strong a flashback to your father’s suicide decades ago.

    You deliberately set yourself up in an extremely financially dependent relationship with him. That can’t help but make this something of an unequal relationship in which you feel less than an equal partner and he feels, after severe reaction to the death of your ex that you are just into him for financial support.

    I also don’t understand your resistance to your bf cumming inside you. That is a normal practice for cohabiting couples. There are all manner of birth control. Why haven’t you been using any?

    Yes, you do seem incompatible. He is extremely interested in video games and you are totally meh. This is your second addict.

    #849523 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Yes. You quite clearly loathe the guy. This isn’t exactly fucking rocket science. Don’t marry people you dislike.

    #849531 Reply
    avatar
    FYI

    Get.
    Therapy.
    Pronto.

    * You don’t move in with someone you’ve been seeing for a month, especially when you have a kid.
    * You don’t skip birth control when you’re living with a loser.
    * You don’t get engaged to someone who is addicted to video games and doesn’t want to sleep with you for 7 months.
    * You don’t get engaged to someone who has no emotional intelligence or compassion.

    There is a ton to unpack here about your decision-making. I’m not blaming you at all; I’m saying there are ways that you can make MUCH better decisions for you and your kid. Do it now while your son is still relatively young. Get therapy. What’s happening here isn’t going to be solved just by calling him an asshole and moving out. You’re going to repeat this same shitshow with someone else unless you get therapy.

    #849535 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Honestly, I do blame the LW. Her life is now a fucking mess, more her children’s life is a hopeless mess (FOREVER!) because she is too vapid to use birth control. Why is it only the dimmest of bulbs NEVER have problems getting pregnant and popping out brats nobody wants or needs?

    #849536 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    My patience is at an end. I am no longer responding to such letters.

    #849542 Reply

    You need to leave him and find a therapist. You have chosen to live with a man you barely knew, you stayed because it was better for you financially. It’s disturbing how many decisions you’ve made that were really bad for you. You set yourself in a place to be financially dependent upon him. Now you’re two months out from having a baby with this man and being tied to him for life. Did you want this child?

    #849565 Reply
    avatar
    MP

    Yes. Leave.

    #849658 Reply
    avatar
    Chelsea

    Bittergaymark-you are extremely bitter lol I can see that. Please don’t put other people down simply because you’re so bitter about life. I was in an extremely emotionally vulnerable place in life when I decided to move in with him. I don’t know what I was thinking
    Also, I’m not financially dependent on him. I work, I have over 2grand in my account at all times and he actually owes me almost 2grand because he’s unable to pay for half of everything. He works almost 6 days a week but he owes his parents money and with paying half of his bills it leaves little for him to pay me back. I moved in because I was scared to be alone and it was so stupid for me to do alone. For the judge mental people who accuse me of not being on birth control. I was! I also was taking the morning after pill each time which was costing me so much money. I happened to get a UTI and the antibiotic I was On was notorious for canceling our birth controls which I had NO IDEA of at the time.

    #849679 Reply
    avatar
    Kate

    For fuck’s sake, BGM, he’s an abuser. Abusers seek out vulnerable women and love-bomb them at the beginning. That’s CLASSIC. Pressuring you to move in after a month was part of that, and also part of getting you under his control. You should never move in with someone you’ve been seeing a month (12+ months is a good rule of thumb, but only if everything else is healthy and stable). Then he emotionally abused you (called you names, belittled you, was cold, withheld intimacy) and the forceful sex thing is called reproductive coercion and it’s a form of abuse. It’s also just straightforward physical/sexual abuse.

    Yes, you should leave. You have a history of abuse and trauma and you’re not seeing this clearly. If you need help, contact a local organization for abused women and ask for help making a plan to leave. This guy probably won’t let you go easily, so you’re going to need support. You can do it though. You can’t bring a baby into this environment.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 16 total)
Reply To: Should I leave my fiance
Your information: