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should i let go of my severely depressed first boy friend

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This topic contains 29 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 2 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #849518 Reply
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    mha
    Member

    hi. i am 16 years old and i had been with my first boyfriend for 7 months up until yesterday when he ended it for my sake. today he has text me and asked to meet because he doesn’t think it was the right thing to do and regrets it.

    he is severely depressed and is transgender; born female and identifies as male. he has not started his transition at all being only 16. so basically his problems are not going away any time soon, and no matter what hormones or anything he gets won’t change the fact he is unhappy in the body he’s living in. for the last 7 months he has been using me as his therapist, and hasn’t spoke to anyone else at all. my family have noticed the affect it’s having on me hearing so often that someone i love wants to die they’re so unhappy.

    he has told me that i’m the only reason he’s staying, the only thing that makes him happy and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me. a week ago today, he overdosed. he talked me through it all, and didn’t ring his parents or anything, he told me how much paracetamol it would take to kill him and proceeded to take 3 under that number. at this point i was out with my friends for a summer program i’d signed up to, and he was aware i was out but still talked me through it all. he told me not to ring anyone, so basically he was asking for me to be aware he was trying to kill himself and just let it happen.

    my mum has told me if i do get back together with him, she can’t stop me but i don’t have her blessing and she won’t take me to see him or let him in our house. i don’t want to ruin my relationship with my mum.

    is it the right thing to do to end things now? despite the good times we did have and how much i love and care about him

    #849526 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Sadly, yes. This is way too big for you to handle at 16. Tell him he needs professional help. Which he clearly does. Honestly? If you were 46, I’d give you the same advice.

    #849528 Reply
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    FYI

    You can’t be someone else’s unpaid therapist. Tell him that he needs to get some mental health counseling and that — since you are not a professional — you cannot walk him through his issues. Also tell him that you cannot and will not listen to another suicide attempt ever. That you will phone emergency services immediately.

    Learn now, while you’re young, that anytime someone says to you, “You’re the only one who can [save me / help me / love me, etc.]…” — that relationship is extremely unhealthy and that person is manipulating you to avoid facing their own problems.

    Read a book about setting boundaries — not just because of this guy but because you will need it throughout life.

    #849530 Reply

    Yes, you need to stay broken up and take a few steps back. He’s not well, he’s very abusive and manipulative. The next time he overdoses for attention, call the police, call his mum, etc.

    #849532 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    PS — Yes, it bears repeating. What he did to you with that suicide attempt was fucking bullshit. Manipulative bullshit. If somebody pulled that shit me I would simply NEVER speak to them again. And I trust me. I so know firsthand what it means to be suicidal. But that is beyond the pale.
    .
    Next time that happens — oh, and it will happen again, believe me — call his bluff by calling both his parents and the police.

    #849540 Reply
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    FYI

    Seriously listen to what people here are telling you. If you are a compassionate person, you have to learn how to recognize emotional vampires — and how to avoid them. They will drain you dry. It’ll be great for you to learn this now. Read about boundaries with your mom, so she can help.

    #849541 Reply
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    mha
    Member

    thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply to me. i value all of the relies and i do think ill tell him all of this and that i think it’s best we stay broken up.

    just to clarify i did actually go against my word and ring his sister at the time and he was angry for a bit and stopped replying to me but was understanding later on

    #849543 Reply

    Don’t tell him anything. Just walk away.

    #849553 Reply
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    FYI

    You didn’t “go against your word” — is that his language? You were trying to help him, for chrissakes. Don’t use that kind of put-yourself-down language. It shows that you’re putting yourself last.

    And, oh, he was angry? Stopped speaking to you? And then understood? This guy is manipulating you.

    Here is your script: “It’s best we stay broken up and not see each other at all. I will call emergency services if you threaten suicide.” Then repeat that over and over and over. Don’t explain. Don’t get into a debate with him. Don’t try to soothe his upset.

    Remember: wounded animals have sharp teeth. Stay away.

    #849558 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    The points FYI just made CANNOT be stressed enough.

    #849615 Reply
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    mha
    Member

    after a long talk with my mum i’ve text him back now and instead of having another full conversation over the phone i’ve just quite briefly said i think we should stick to last nights decision for both our sakes, and i wish him all the best in getting help etc

    thank you for everyone’s help i have really listened to it all and i really appreciate it

    #849618 Reply
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    FYI

    Good for you! Remember not to get sucked back in, because it is very, very likely that he will react in a dramatic way. Just know that you have a great life ahead of you and that you can’t afford to be dragged into someone else’s illness — especially when that person won’t get help. You get to put that energy into your own beautiful life.

    I suggest blocking him on all of your accounts so that you don’t have to listen to the manipulation.

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