February 10, 2019 at 1:49 pm #830408
From a LW (who wants to hear what she needs to hear from multiple people):
“I read your blogs often and the advice seems to really help. Three yeara ago a week from my wedding my husband was caught on Tinder sending nudes and having a vivid conversation with some girl. I usually have had a zero tolerance for this but ibknew from past failed marriages it lwaves you in hear break. I mean it wasnt physically cheating right? We got married and thebnext yer he qas caught on live web cams instructing wkman hownto touch themseleves to get himself off. We had sex everyday was I not doing it well? Fast forward 2 years. He is now stationed in another country for a year. He has in my opinion been trying to regain my trust. However once he got there, (S.Korea) he has changed his acct login and has his statements sent online so I can not see anything being spent. He said he is entitled to his privacy and to have things seperate from me. Um…we are married never should financials be a secret. He then somehow switched the rokes and somehow I am the agressor because I dont trust him. Im taking to long to truat him… i work at it every day. Somedays i dont question him but then there are tines that there are red flags and my mind goes crazy…like the bank acct or now only wanting to call when its in the am for him. I know he ia going to clubs and such as spouces we talk share photos etc and he was in the background of a photo in a club. Even before he left he was emotionally unavailable. Once he told me there wasnt time to make time for me but then that weekend cleared his schedule so he and his brother could go fishing for several hours.
I think i already know in my hesrt what advice youll give. I just think hearing multiple people tell me will help enforce my realization im with a narcissist and i need to move on.”February 10, 2019 at 2:31 pm #830424
You know he’s cheating. Get a divorce. At the bare minimum, make an appointment with a divorce lawyer to learn your rights and start figuring out your family’s financial situation.February 10, 2019 at 2:38 pm #830427
Zero tolerance doesn’t mean you allow any of this. It means you don’t allow ANY of this.
Unfortunately, you chose to marry a philandering man who has ZERO respect for you or marriage. File for divorce?February 10, 2019 at 2:43 pm #830429
You knew he was trying to cheat (or actually cheating on you) and you married him anyway???
Do what you should have don three years ago and toss his ass out.February 10, 2019 at 3:05 pm #830438
I mean, yes, obviously, leave him! You knew you couldn’t trust him BEFORE you married him and he’s never done anything to win back your trust since. I’m also a little concerned by your comment about “past failed marriages.” How many failed marriages do you have? After this one, I suggest lots of therapy and taking a break from men until your asshole radar is a little more finely tuned.February 10, 2019 at 4:46 pm #830455
I shouted “eff no!” after your second sentence. That would have been all the information I needed to nope right out of this sham of marriage.
Your standards seem very low. Behaviour like sexting, exchanging nudes and participating in sexually explicit webcam interactions might not be physically cheating, but it’s still a form of cheating. If you’re monogamous, you’ve each agreed that the other will be the only person with whom you engage sexually and romantically. He is sharing a part of himself that he vowed to save for you alone. He does respect you or your marriage vows.
Hiding his finances from you is a major concern. He’s entitled to separate accounts, but when two people are married, their finances directly affect one another, so transparency is very important. Since this behaviour is new for him, it’s clear that he’s doing it to hide something he doesn’t want you to know about.
Accusing you of not trusting him and making it out like you’re the aggressor is a form of gaslighting. He’s trying to make you think that there is nothing wrong with these strange behaviours and that any tension between you is all your fault, and that you’re the one who has to make changes to fix this.
You should not have to “try” to trust someone. Either you trust them or you do not, and his history and current behaviour makes him someone who is not trustworthy. You should not make yourself trust someone who has not earned your trust and does not deserve your trust.
Consult a lawyer and file for divorce.
Then go to therapy and work on your self-esteem and examine why this seems to be a pattern for you and how to break out of it. For the future, add “treats me with respect” to your list of must-have qualities in a partner.February 10, 2019 at 4:48 pm #830456
He does *not* respect your or your wedding vows. Bad place to skip a word!February 10, 2019 at 5:50 pm #830466
It also sounds like she has been effectively abandoned.February 11, 2019 at 8:27 pm #830665
This isn’t zero tolerance if you let him continue to walk all over you. He’s basically not your husband anymore. Make it official.February 11, 2019 at 8:53 pm #830667
Yeah. I think you should file for divorce. He is a cad.February 11, 2019 at 10:52 pm #830682
He is cheating. He has checked out emotionally. There is nothing to salvage here. Talk to a lawyer immediately so that you don’t pay for his lifestyle anymore. Money can’t be a secret kept from spouses because you are typically on the hook for all marital debt. Lawyer. Immediately.